I felt sick. I thought I was going to vomit. I felt panicky.
Ever since Al passed away a volunteer that used to bring Al baby food or sherbet has remained when Hospice left. This lady named Sue is amazing.
She knows everyone and everyone loves her. She has nudged, called and begged me to go places with her.
I have fought it each time I get the invitation. You have to understand that my life…
I felt sick. I thought I was going to vomit. I felt panicky.
Ever since Al passed away a volunteer that used to bring Al baby food or sherbet has remained when Hospice left. This lady named Sue is amazing.
She knows everyone and everyone loves her. She has nudged, called and begged me to go places with her.
I have fought it each time I get the invitation. You have to understand that my life revolved around Al. There was no outside life. Everything I did was on the inside of these four walls. Sort of like living in a cardboard box full of sadness.
Even today a month after he has left this world, I head for my bedroom. It is the farthest away from Al’s room. I feel secure and hidden apart from the hustle and bustle of the outside world.
I didn’t even realize that I had been turning into a hermit, so to speak. The comfort zone in my room was all mine. I share it with no one. But, because I like Sue, I give in and accept her invitations. This is where the jitters come in and the sick stomach. I think it is called panic attacks.
I become chained to these four walls and it takes some heavy-duty prodding to get me out of here. Even going to the grocery store is not appealing to me. I get in and I get out and get back home.
Thankfully, I recognize that this is not normal for me. I used to be a get up and go gal, so I realize I need to change, but wow, is it ever hard. Have any of you ever been in these types of situations?
Panic attacks, are something else. I had them several years ago and somehow fought through them and don’t want them to take permanent residence within my body again. Heart beating fast, tingling of hands, sweating, a feeling of dying. Totally stressed to the max.
I started getting them about three months before Al passed. They are caused from exhaustion and stress. The body gets weak and tries to run on over-drive. Panic attacks for me can pop up when ever I am the most vulnerable, meaning tired and lack of a good night’s sleep.
I have dealt with these and then for a while after Al passed they left. Since last Saturday happened when I realized I was really never going to see Al again until I got to heaven I have had minor panic attacks again. I am fighting them with all my might. I don’t want them to run and ruin my life ever again.
So tonight, of course I accepted that invitation again. I was sick and nervous. I got inside the building and all I could think about is getting out of there as fast as my fat little legs would go.
But, I stayed. I forced myself to take a half of a little white pill the doctor prescribed to me for instances like this. I went to my doctor this week. He said he had no doubt I would become addicted because he and anyone else that knows me understands I HATE TO TAKE MEDICINE.
After about a half an hour I started to calm down. The tingling left, my heart slowed down. I started to talk and I know here and there I smiled. I even danced one time. And on top of that I was introduced to a great-looking guy and we chatted for a while.
Inside I am hoping we get to chat again. He has dark hair like Elvis Presley and he sounds like Elvis too. We have some things in common. If God wants anything to come together between this nice guy and me, he will make it happen.
So a little chatting, a few smiles, sharing girl talk and dancing, I was glad I went. Tomorrow I have been invited to a fish fry. I accepted that invitation also.
Win-Win Situation For Al
Today it seemed like a chilly Spring day. The temperatures were in the thirties. A much higher temp…
Today it seemed like a chilly Spring day. The temperatures were in the thirties. A much higher temp than thirty-five below zero. I went outside our front door. It felt good to get out.
I drove to Wal-Mart to get Al a new baby monitor. One of those that you can carry with you. With his new air bed motor being noisy and the fact the caregiver has hearing issues, I felt like I was a big, old nag continually letting her know Al was calling her name.
She didn’t mind me telling her, but I minded it and with Al’s bitter soft voice, I admit he is very hard to hear. I got Al a new box of ice-cream and some popsicles. The nurse thought the treat would feel good on his lips.
I couldn’t get the ice-cream without the chocolate syrup of course. That is the way he likes it. For several days this has been all Al will eat. He eats very little but at least he will eat that. Along with some other groceries I wanted to look around for clearance items too, but started feeling a little ill.
I tried hard to fight it but it continued to get worse so I stopped at the Sub-Way inside the store and picked up two sandwiches, one for the caregiver and of course me. Both Chicken, Bacon Ranch on flat bread. I like to do nice things for Stacy if I can, because she is so caring and good with Al.
Once I got back into my car to leave for home I instantly felt better. I knew then that it was me that was causing the ill feelings. I was out of my comfort zone. I was in a place where many people were and I was uncomfortable.
I started the car and waiting for it to warm up again, I questioned myself on how long I had actually been in the house. I couldn’t remember. I knew that I went down to the grocery store before the blizzard and got some emergency foods so I didn’t run out. I also remembered going to the big grocery store the week before Christmas.
Other than that the bad weather and Al’s health have held me inside our home. I can’t let myself become a hermit. I can’t believe I didn’t really enjoy being out and on top of that almost made myself sick.
All the time I was out I thought of Al and hoped he was alright. I checked my cell a couple of times to see if Stacy had called, needing me. Being a caregiver involves so much more than just the physical care of a patient. I believe it takes hold of every fiber of our being when it is a full-time job.
I made up my mind that when I can, I will get out for a bit. I can’t control the weather, and I can’t fix how light-weight my car is, but I can get outside for a breath of fresh air more often. I need to push myself harder and realize I am not the one who is lying in the bed sick. I have two feet that work and I do not have to be glued to the four walls.
I will be glad when Spring is here and I can get back outside again. Maybe sit in the swing, or watch the birds. If Al is still here, I can carry the portable monitor with me or just hand it to the caregiver and let her be doing the job she was hired for.
Al loves his new air bed and this is nice. But I think with having to get him out of bed yesterday for the transfer of beds was hard on him. His vitals have changed and haven’t returned back to his normal. He has slept around the clock since yesterday, only waking up to eat some ice-cream. I am thinking part of it is the comfy bed and part of it is the illness. I have been told by many that in the ending days Al will sleep almost all the time. Either way, God is in control.
So many have been praying for Al’s release of this body into a new heavenly body. Maybe God used that new mattress as a way to speed up the process, and maybe not. All I know is Al is very calm, very peaceful, and sleeping 22 hours out of 24. If this is the way Al will enter into his new life, then it is a good thing, and if this is the way his body is going to react to the new bed, then that is also a good thing. Either way, it is a win-win situation for Al.
Who I am 