Thoughts Reining Over Me

I was reading a blog of a friend of mine here at WP today and it stirred up something in me.

Here…

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Thoughts Reining Over Me

I was reading a blog of a friend of mine here at WP today and it stirred up something in me.

Here is the link of what I was reading;

http://iprodigaldaughter.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/the-big-i/comment-page-1/#comment-512

I get many comments on WP. Most of them are wonderful and heart-felt. I sometimes blush and can even get embarrassed although there is no one here beside me reading or watching me.

I was brought up to believe I am just a person.  I was to be a good girl, grow up, get married and have a nice life of my own. It was instilled in me as a child that I was to be seen and not heard.

My father left me in the cold car while he went in and saw my new step-mom. I couldn’t have been that good of girl, could I?

As long as I kept my nose clean I didn’t hear my name called too often at home while growing up. I do remember trying my hardest through my teen years to cook the best tasting supper, or iron for my mom with no wrinkles, or clean the house until it sparkled. I would do anything, just about, to get noticed.

I can’t remember ever getting a thanks, but I may have. I remember sort of staying to myself as a teen, but don’t most teenagers? I had a nice home, nice clothes. I was never kicked out of the house. My parents didn’t cuss or drink. No drugs could be found.

So what was wrong with me and my thinking? Why did I want more? Was I never satisfied with what I had?

Then I started writing for WordPress. I have now been writing here for a year and three months. Comments started coming in and they were good comments. People who didn’t know me were saying I was a nice person. I was a caring sister. I heard that I had a good outlook on life. Some even wished they lived closer to me so we could be friends in real life.

This isn’t what I was used to. I was never beat at home. I do know that I was violated at the age of two or three, but how could that affect my entire life?

Then I became closer and closer to God. I learned that God made me perfect in his eyes. I was taught that he loved me even though I made mistakes. He would never leave me, I didn’t have to be afraid.

This is nice to know but there are times that things happen in my life that I freak out. I don’t feel smart enough to be able to handle some situations. I then go to God and speak to him about what is eating at me.

Have you ever had a person make you feel like you have been convicted as a guilty person, when you knew inside that you were innocent? That if you made any mistakes it was not done intentionally? I have one of those instances facing me today.

It has ruined my day. I slept it a way for the biggest part. My stomach has churned and I felt sick all day. I was to receive a phone call but was told if it didn’t come through it would first thing in the morning.

All the things I was taught growing up have come and tackled me. It is like watching a big football game. The guy is on the bottom of the huge pile with the ball. No one wants him to gain any more distance.

I have prayed off and on all day to have God’s help to calm me down. But I have so little belief in myself today, that the prayers are not working. Now I am sweating it waiting for the call tomorrow morning.

I am ashamed of how I am reacting. Why can’t the wonderful comments that I am given today stick with me? Why must I remain hiding under the bed, believing what was ground into my head?

Maybe this is why I fight so hard for Al. I know I can do it. I know I can protect him and make him as comfortable as possible. But I look at myself as a nurse for others but a failure unto myself.

It is so stupid. So when I was reading this post of my friend, I realized that God loves me. I need to repeat that over and over. It is true. I am not a bad person. Now I need to not only believe it, I need to live like I am God’s child. He made me perfect in his eyes, not perfect in society’s eyes.

In The Shadows

A little mouse came out to play

So thin so ugly  not knowing the way

He always stayed inside and hid

He just wanted to remain a kid

His momma kept telling him he had to stop

Letting bad feelings go over the top

One day she told him he must go

He had to learn he had to show

That he was worthy of taking space

Among the world of the mouse race

She shoved him out the door just now

He found a corner his head did bow

He shivered he shook from the fear within

His confidence dwindling he wanted to go in

Then a long came a mouse who sensed this fear

He came up so close and very near

He asked what is wrong how can I help you

Tell me your story, let’s see what we can do

The little mouse poured out his heart

The other mouse listening not taking a part

He gave him time to say it all

He understood why he was about to fall

The other mouse asked if his story was done

The little mouse said yes my song is sung

The big mouse stands tall and inhales a sigh

He stands very close and wipes the others eye

He says I used to be the same way

Until a friend walked up one day

He explained that we can not be the same

We are born and we play the game

We can not all be nice and fat

There is always going to be a dirty rat

Who tries to tell us we are nothing

When actually we are really something

Be proud of who you are and how you look

Don’t go by any of those crazy mouse books

The truth is known you were made this way

So that you could help others have a better day

I learned this the hard way by getting beat up

I soaked in my pity in the old kitchen cup

I decided right there and then

That I would go out and I would win

Now I am happy with who I am

I walk with my head high and my gut held in

You can do the same my friend

If you will let loose and begin to bend

Accept that you are just as good

As all the mice in the neighborhood

The little mouse looked up at him

And with shyness he gave a little grin

Will you help me along this rocky road

Will you show me how to lift this load

Will you be my friend forever more

Will you help me walk proudly through the door

The big mouse said of course I will

Now let’s get moving let’s not stand still

Together the two different mice did stay

Good friends and are yet still today.

Terry Shepherd

01/19/2013

 

 

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• Big Realization from a Tiny Mouse (twowritingteachers.wordpress.com)
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Who We Are

Jeans down to the crack

Showing respect is oh so lax

Boxer shorts in colors galore

Makes my eyes wish for no more

What is the statement being made

When my face turns crimson and many shades

I want to believe that they have smarts

But all I see is brains come apart

Each of us were made to be

To fit in with our family

We were given talents to share

Not to see your underwear

The pressures of being a youth today

Cause many kids to go a stray

To be accepted in a group

Has thrown their thoughts for a loop

I know that once I was a teen

And I wanted to be oh so keen

An ear was pierced, my dad got mad

I wanted to fit, but he mad me sad

I wore skirts and little shirts

Mom said be careful, when playing in dirt

Don’t show your privates to other eyes

Don’t lie in grass, legs to the skies

Cross your legs, don’t let eyes in

Because you don’t want to cause others to sin

Now most morals have left the door

Anything goes from shore to shore

I am glad my parents cared

And loved me by the way they shared

That staying true to who you are

Will keep you close and not drift too far.

August 29,2012

Terry Shepherd

Twinkle Twinkle

Twinkle twinkle, little girl

Get some guts and be ready to hurl

Bring the toughness here to me

For I am going to be queen bee.

Twinkle twinkle hear my voice

You have left me no other choice

I am drawing my life today

I swear part if it will go my way.

Twinkle twinkle to those who stray

And try to avoid me on this day

Someday you will regret I know

That your cute face never did show.

Twinkle twinkle little star

I don’t wonder now where you are

With friends who care and show they do

I am getting smarter and much taller too.

 

Terry Shepherd

08/21/2012

I Changed my Mind

I changed my mind, as when I had accepted the last award today, I was writing no more, today,but I am sitting here in awe. Yes, I think my mouth is actually dropped and open, and it isn’t taking any food in.

I just watched Joyce Meyers, and I swear she knew me. It was like she had somehow received a letter from me or someone close that knows me because the entire message was for me!

I am sitting here with jaw dropped because, she made it very clear that I am beautiful, that God made me beautiful and in his own image, and that I am just what he wants me to be.

Now, I have gone through here stating to all of you that I have lost myself, and this is what she has talked about. Being a people pleaser, forgetting who I am, trying to do for others. She didn’t say I could not do for others, she stated that I am doing TOO much for others.

How can a three-letter word,too, be so darn important? Ask me, I know, I am that person. I have lost myself, and am trying to find out who I am, and who God says I am. I know that I am a caregiver for my brother, and I know I love to write, but other than that, I have no idea. I bet you all know more about me than I do about my own self.

I am going to have to ask god tonight to show me who it is that he hath made. What is special about me. What is it that he liked about me when he made this creature that sits here in front of my screen sometimes laughing, sometimes crying and sometimes questioning life.

She made me realize that God is crying because he knows I am crying and that I am not happy. I don’t think it is all about Al either, but he does have a huge part in it, because I ALLOWED him to over take my life.

So, I have work to do, lots of work. I need to kick this slight depression in the ass and toss it out the door! I am  a child of God, and he loves me! Why did it take her lesson to get me to see it? I don’t know. I almost missed the show, and then I was mentally kicked in the rear, turn it on!!!!!!

I am glad I did, and now to start finding out about what I am all about. I don’t have any idea why I am even asking this, but I felt the need to, please, help me find me again through prayer. I know there is something else about me that is worthy besides being a caregiver.

This blog page is sort of sad, but yet I am a little happier, because, I can, with your help and God’s help, quit trying to please parents who no longer are living, I can quit trying to please my children, who will always love me in the end, I hope. I can start to relax, and enjoy this life that God has given me, instead of stressing out each moment, wondering if I am doing enough.

Geesh, I love God and Joyce Meyers……………..