My Story In a Song, (Sorry I Am Weepy Today)


When I was a little girl I looked at my Daddy as my great big hero.dad and me

As I grew older I over heard words of disappointments from others. When I heard us kids names mentioned I always felt sorry I couldn’t do enough to make him love me as much as I loved him.

When I grew up and got married it seemed like maybe he was proud of me. He smiled and liked me being around. He never actually said he loved me back then, but I just knew. I just wanted my Daddy to accept me for who I was.

When he got sick and we found out he was going to die, a part of my heart and soul died right there on the spot.

Oh it hurt. It hurt real bad. I started taking care of him and weeping behind closed doors. I memorized every move he made. Every thing he saw I photographed in my memory. The crook of his smile. The twinkle in his eyes. Each day I tried my best to grab and hold close to me not wanting to let the next day appear.

When the morning sun did appear and I held my Daddy as he took his lost breath I wept. There is never a day that goes by that I don’t look up to the heavens and know he is up where he belongs smiling down on me.

Life is repeating itself and although I don’t want the sun to shine. I don’t want to hurt, I will some day be looking up to the heavens again knowing my brother is up where he belongs.

 

One Word is All It Takes


It is odd that just yesterday I was talking to my girlfriend about how the laws and courts can take an innocent person and turn them into gray, black and bruised all over. We sort of laughed over our conversation but there was a tiny part of me that knew something like what we were talking about could happen.

Al and my step-sister took me to court. She wanted to care for Al. I tell you from the day I received the court papers until the judge’s announcement I was a wreck. I prayed like crazy but there must have been a huge part of me that was not praying deeply and earnestly enough.

I knew that I was a good sister. I knew that I had done nothing but my very best for him, but knowing the law, strangers who knew nothing of Al and me could be twisted into believing the evil one.

Fortunately God was at work through my weakness. The judge threw our sister out of court and said she was nothing but a trouble maker and to leave us alone. Al was the center of attention and even though it has been a couple of years ago I can still see the movie clip perfectly.

Al screamed and cried. He kept telling the judge, “please don’t make me go a way from my sister. I love my sister.” I am sure God had a huge hand in our case, but the pain has remained all this time. Anytime Al hears our sister’s name his body tenses. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth when I mention her name.

Believe me that name is not brought up in this house, and yet for Al’s sake, when he begged me to get a hold of her and let her know he was so sick, she turned her back on him and me.

So the conversation with my girlfriend still leaves a small scar in my mind and heart today. A bit of fear can and is with me as I care for Al daily. What if he falls? Is anyone going to blame me? Are the laws going to get involved? Will I once again have to prove my worthiness?

My girlfriend bounced a way from that topic and went on with new subject matter. This morning I am watching Anderson Live. I was shocked when one of the guest was a wife who had been her husband’s caregiver. They had been married almost fifty years. She had to attend things throughout the day so was gone for about six hours total.

I don’t know his health conditions but she stated that he was fine when she left. When she returned home he was dead. When she called the authorities to report his death she was arrested for his death.

Her daughter was on the show and spoke about the fear and tears her Mother suffered. Seeing her own Mother in the orange garb and behind bars. Eventually the innocent prevailed and she was released. I didn’t catch how long she was behind bars. To me this isn’t nearly as important as the fact that this woman who loved her husband. Who would lay down her life for him. Who chose to care for him at home instead of sinking him in a nursing home, was accused of murder.

The facts were in the end that he just died. Sad, yes he died while she was gone, but we don’t know when our last breath will be taken. We can not even live like we are waiting for a last breath to be taken from a friend or loved one. We would all be crazy and fill up the nut houses and be overflowing.

I felt so bad for this wife. Her husband died, and she was tormented and accused. She suffered terribly and was so scared for her life. Finally now that she has been released she can begin to mourn for her mate and begin her healing process.

I couldn’t help but think back to the incident with our sister and the conversation of  my girlfriend last night. Life is never guaranteed, and God wants us to definitely on him for help and release and justice.woman arrested

_Picture it & Write/ Ermilia


http://ermiliablog.wordpress.compictureitandwrite2copy-1man scared

All his adult  life Joe had been living an alley life. Taking from others. Eating others remains. Not willing to spend out of his pocket, but interested in hoarding what was his.

He could not see himself as anyone but the richest man in the city.

The only way this creature could figure out how to get that is to steal and connive.

Everyone hated him. People gave soured looks when they heard his name. Innocent became damaged. Trust was taken out of his dictionary. All that remained was evil, theft, hatred, jealousy. This was his dictionary of life.

He had grown up poor. His Mamma took in ironing. His Pappa had worked the mines but had ended up paying a high price and died of lung cancer. His sister ran off with the first man who sugar-coated his words.

Now it was up to him to make a life for himself. He swore to himself he would be damned if he was going to live as his family. He wanted more and no matter how he had to do it, he would wear blinders.

He knew the good word. He went to Sunday School as a child. But no one could get him to accept the idea of worshiping a man who had never been seen. Who was so crazy that they would grasp at the imagination, cling to empty words? Well, not him. He would work hard, he would become rich. He would own the city when he was done.

One day as he had just taken another bag of money from an unknowing human  he was racing down the streets. He had his routine. He knew the favorite hide-out. It had worked each and every time.

But this time his game plan failed. The people he had stolen from knew his name. They offered him to dine with them before he left and went on his way. The food was delicious. He had seconds. He took the food. He took the goods.

He ran but he started cramping. Running became a slow pace. Power became weak. The once clear skies became black with birds. Vultures ready to pick the life from his bones. He tried to run faster but his body fell to the ground. The birds  feasted. The town returned to quiet. The man who had offered him food was sitting on his porch smiling.

Which Choice Do I Make?


Although Al had a good day, you can see by different signs that he is sick. For example when I took his shoes and socks off for his nap, his feet are once again swollen. The other thing is he is still napping. He usually sleeps for a couple of hours. Sort of a catching up thing from his days.

Here it is 8:30 and I went into check on him. I actually jumped back and my heart began to beat very quickly.beating heart

There is one thing, no two things that you never see Al do anymore. Number one is; his head will not go back. You could force it all you wanted, (which I don’t), just saying you could and it would not move.

Al’s head was laying flat on the bed. His pillow had slipped out from him or he moved it.

Number 2; his entire body is calm. Absolutely not one tremor. In the shadows of the night all I could see was gray shadows around his face, bouncing back at him by the black shirt he is wearing.

Instantly my breath caught. I saw my brother as he will be when his time is up. I didn’t mean to see it, it was just there all out in the open. I immediately started to cry.

Then my mind snapped back into reality. I checked his breathing. Yes, he is breathing. He was so calm and relaxed I didn’t want to wake him. On the other hand I want to go to sleep tonight. I don’t know which choice to make, let him sleep or wake him up.

Need Your Help Again


I have this issue going on so I want to ask for your advice. I also have some information for you also.

The first being Al. I am learning that the days are becoming a little more confusing for him. A good example is this morning. He brushed his teeth after breakfast. I then placed his electric razor in his hand and asked him if he would please try to shave and I would help if he needed it.

He said he already shaved. I said, “no, you just brushed your teeth.”

After a minute of trying to explain he was crying and arguing. I then took the razor and began to shave him. Then he wanted the shaver back and he tried it. It was like something clicked and he realized he hadn’t previously shaven.

This is one example of what is happening here. Last night is another good example. He has terrible tremors and many times he and I have done hands on with changing the channels. Many times I have shown him which buttons he is allowed to use etc.

As he was changing the stations the remote went funky on the inside. No more switching, no nothing. I worked at it for about 20 minutes, frustrated because I didn’t know which button he had already pushed to mess up the remote.

I finally called Dish. After walking through commands and nothing happened, the staff decided it was definitely the remote. This morning a technician is coming out to fix whatever is wrong.

After I hung up from Dish Al went on a rampage of him hitting the wrong buttons. This is because it is usually the case. I explained that this time he did nothing, it was all in the remote.

He cried,  he wailed he started getting mad. Mad at himself and I think mad at me because I was telling him it was not his fault. This went on for some time and I could not reason with him so I left his bedroom.

I went back later and offered to take him out to the couch to watch the main TV so he could watch his shows he liked. At first he refused, on the kick of he did something wrong. I was actually starting to get a headache, letting me know that two arguments in one evening were not doing my blood pressure any good.

Finally I convinced him he had three choices. Watch the TV in  his room with one station and be limited on viewing, go to bed, or come out to the living room. He did let me bring him out here with me.

This is happening more and more. I blame the confusion but I also know from years of experience Al is a persistent arguer. I can pop a calming down pill in him or wait for him to reason things in his own  mind.

Part of me thinks if I pop a pill every time he is confused or gets upset he will be living on these pills.

What should I do? How can I handle this differently as the mind of Al becomes more ill?

 

100_0749The second part is the talks of Al and his funeral. He is becoming obsessed with who is not going to be at his funeral. It is also a familiar topic in our home now a days.

I feel guilty because my mind often drifts to the future, thinking on his funeral. I kick myself for doing this. It makes me feel like I am focusing on his death instead of his living. I am not actually, but I do ponder the more he brings it up.

I was talking to a friend here at WP about the topic of cards. I was wondering if it would be proper if I ever have to make that sad announcement to my friends here would it be alright to let you know our home address in case anyone wanted to send cards.

She suggested I not wait for that gloomy day. That since Al is having issues about who will or not be at his funeral that I suggest Thinking of You, or Wishing You Well, etc. cards be sent now while he is here to enjoy them.

So I thought that was a good idea. I guess what it comes down to friends is that I really do consider you my friends. Just not people in  passing, but friends who are involved with Al and my life. I would want to let you know if something happened to Al. I don’t look at any of you as,oh they are just WP friends. Nothing more or less. No, I look at you as part of my life, part of Al’s life.

Al still has his birthday card, and sometimes he will ask me to get them out so he can look at them and hold them.

So I think I am asking you, would you like to send Al a card now?

If so, please email me at tellmenolies2004@yahoo.com

I will be more than happy to send you our home address. If you go by another name through your emails that I may  not recognize, please put Al’ card in the subject area of your email so I don’t consider it trash or spam.