My brother has been gone for almost two years next March. My father and mother are gone. My half-sister and I have been apart from each other since dad died.
I’m still here. I usually feel a sense of displacement. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to live through these empty days . Some days I can’t seem to feel grounded. I’m tired.
I have never felt needed like I did when I was caring for my father and brother . It was a special kind of being needed . It wasn’t like when your kids need you or your spouse wants extra attention .
It was different ; hard to explain I guess. I’m labeled through my medical records as having depression . I always thought depression centered around sleeping , medications , maybe a little zombie like. I can pull smiles off. I can be with my friends.
Put me in a room by myself, and thoughts of the family that once was, comes rushing back like flooding waters . I just can’t seem to snap out of this for good. I guess the doctor was right. I have mild depression .
I want to work, but am too unsteady. I usually feel in the way or a bother, or the old person. I really don’t like feeling this way. If things get too rough , I will call my friend and let her walk me out of my sadness.
That’s the name, sadness. I am so sad without my family. I have not been able to fill the void. My grandkids come closest to being a natural medicine for me. I listen to them talk and giggle and I can feel my smiles come once again .
Alvin is at peace now. He has no more pain. He is free from the clutches of MSA. My dad is free from his bone cancer and Leukemia. I had no idea my healing would take so long.
I want to go back to the person I was, but I don’t know if or when that will ever happen. Right now I am looking for small things that bring me peace. I smile when I see the frost make the ground look snow covered . I look at my silver Christmas tree and get lost in the memories of when I was a little kid, and watched the colored wheel cast lights on grandma’s tree. I think about what it was like being a young mommie.
I look at me now and ponder on what’s next . For me, it was more than losing my brother to an ugly disease . It was an uninvited , forever change in my life, which I am still trying to heal from.