Before I started caring for my father and then my brother, death was the last word in my dictionary. I didn’t ponder on it or even think about it. I was one of the lucky ones whose relatives lived long lives. I had only had one grandfather who had passed and I had made it through the heart ache.
Now, death is in the front pages of my dictionary, and I try hard to shove it back to where it belongs, but it just keeps reappearing, like a bad dream. I have been now for a few years, afraid of dying.
What is it that causes me to be afraid of death? I know it is not the fact, that I will be with Jesus. This alone should make me so happy, to rid myself of all anguish on this earth. No more dieting, no more bad habits that I carry, as my smoking. I will be beautiful, but yet, I am still afraid.
When Andy Griffith passed away this week, it was a big wake-up call for me. People that I admired, who I lived to watch on TV, are no longer here. I have lost my parents, most of my grandparents, aunts and uncles, to the point I am now left with Al, and my kids.
I watch Al struggle with his fears of dying, and have seen him prepare himself for this big step, and I think, I can do this also. I try to tell my children how I feel about them, and how important they are in my lives. I know they listen, but they do not hear.
They are young, they are living their own lives, and raising their own children. They are trying to make a mark on this earth, just as I did.
I think that what I am afraid of is what I will be leaving behind. It doesn’t matter what I instilled in my children’s minds or didn’t instill, I believe as a parent, they will always need me at some point. It is realizing that I will no longer be here to listen to them or help them. I will no longer be able to see the grandchildren grow, marry and have children of their own.
The fact boils down to this, we are all going to die, no matter how afraid we are of it, or how much we fight it.
What matters to me anymore, is that I have told my children how I feel, and I have Jesus with me all the way. The walk to heaven will be the most honored walk-way I could ever walk.
We need to live our lives in a Godly way. Loving Jesus, making godly decisions, and spreading our love to others. I try hard, and I know I error, but it is alright, God forgives me. So from now on I will quit shoving the word death to the back of the book, and face it with respect. I will be ready when it is my turn.
Who I am 