My Heart Is Broken

I haven’t blogged all day. I had some time to but just couldn’t. It is still hard but I need to. It heals me and gives me a soft place to fall.

Today I spent time with Al at the hospital. Then I went to the grocery store to buy the items needed for Christmas Dinner. Once home and putting the groceries a way I clicked on WP and then turned a way from it.

Now it is almost 8pm and the tears have begun to fall. It is strange how silence and a sense of loneliness come out of the woodwork once darkness falls upon us.

A Specialist, and Doctors along with Hospice had a conference and came to the agreement that there was nothing left to try for Al. They took him off of his remaining medications. The only thing he will remain on is his pain medications.

Al’s body is still continuing to contract. Now when you try to do a brief change or turn him in a new position he reeks in pain. He stutters from the pain medication. I can barely make out any words he is saying.

He realizes I am his sister, he recognizes the time but yet he is floating a little. He fiddled with his sheets, wadding it into a ball.  He picked at them, he was hot than sweaty. He was cranky and irritable.

He is being dismissed tomorrow morning to come home to remain here for what ever time he has remaining. The caregiver will be here and I am so thankful for this.

My heart is broken as I realize that Al will find no peace here on earth while he waits to be taken by God. My heart is broken because all has been tried and all doors are shut now.

I pray for a quick release for him. I pray his pain will be swiftly gone. It just doesn’t seem fair, not fair at all. Being mentally challenged didn’t give him opportunities for girlfriends, marriage, a family of his own. Being ridiculed by his Father sure didn’t make his life any better. Having a heart attack at barely over fifty wasn’t right. But now this, a terrible disease called Multiple System Atrophy, (MSA) is going to drag him to the end. It is going to force Al to endure the wicked pain until his last breath.

I am so glad and feel very honored that I have had these past six years to show Al what fun life could really be. I wish there was something I could do but there is not. I will do my best to bring him comfort. I will read the Bible to him, sing to him and hold his hand. I will continue to tell him how much he is loved. I will not stop until I know he is free of pain.

al and rhino4

Continuing Story Part 41

Ralph and Rachel walked back with the doctor slowly, as the anticipation of what the

English: Accent Dahlias, small dahlia farm (or...

doctor was going to say. They felt an uneasiness as they followed the nurse to the doctor’s office and were shown where to sit. The nurse said the doctor would be in a few moments, and left quietly shutting the door behind her.

Ralph took hold of Rachel’s hands and with a shaky voice told her everything was going to be alright. What ever the doctor said, they could handle it with the strength of each other. The two then sat in silence waiting, and then the door opened, and the doctor came in. Ralph stood up to shake the doctor’s hand and then they both sat.

The doctor looked at them from over the top of his wire rimmed glasses and said, it doesn’t look good. I have here the test results of what we have run, and as you can see here, the cancer has taken over his entire brain hemispheres.

Rachel at once began to cry and the doctor offered her the box of kleenex. She dabbed at her eyes as the doctor continued on. He said, there is nothing more we can do, and we do not want to release him at this point. I believe he would be more comfortable here in the hospital.

Ralph asked the doctor, are you sure there isn’t something you haven’t tried yet? Maybe a new drug, or a surgery? The doctor shook his head back and forth, and said, son, I am afraid we are going to have to leave the healing in God’s hands. No one has ever been able to perform the type of brain surgery that it would require to remove the cancer. The chances of death or total vegetarian state would be very risky.

The doctor let Rachel and Ralph weep in each others arms, and then he asked if there was any questions they had, and being ignored by the two, the doctor stood up and walked softly out the door, closing the door behind him.

Ralph and Rachel remained in the room for some time. After no more tears could be cried at the moment, they released each other, and dried eyes, and blew noses, and sat taking deep breaths, and each wondering how they were ever going to tell the others this terrible news. Their son was dying, he was going to die right here in the hospital.

Before another crying episode broke out, they dried their eyes once more, and the two then stood up and walked out the door to the nurses station. The nurse asked if she could be of assistance, and Ralph asked if they could see their son, and the nurse said of course, and pointed them in the direction of Drew’s room.

Upon entering the room, and seeing the monitors, and all the tubing running out of Drew’s body, Rachel started to cry again. Ralph told her to please save it for later, or leave the room and come back. He was sure that Drew could hear her. She understood, and sucked in her tears.

The two of them walked up to his bed, and looking down at the lifeless body, Rachel spoke to him in a loving mother’s voice. Drew, I am here, it is your mom, can you hear me? She searched his face for some acknowledgement that he had heard, but found nothing.

She rubbed his arm and touched each of his fingers, as if this was the very first time she had ever laid eyes on him, remembering back to when he was just born, and she was counting fingers and toes. She leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek. All the while, Ralph standing behind his wife, not wanting to move a muscle, in fear that he would break down right here in the room. All he could think of was, my son, my son, I don’t want to lose you, I don’t like seeing you this way. A tear slipped down his face, and he turned away wiping it quickly, so that his wife would not see it.

The two stood on the side of the bed, until the nurse came in to check his vitals and to give  him some more medication for pain through his IV. Ralph took Rachel’s arm, and said let’s go. We need to let the others know what is happening. I am sure they are worried now as they have not heard from us.

The nurse glanced at them and told them they could come back in a little while, and the two nodded and hand in hand they left the room of their dying son. They walked down the corridor , down another hallway, and then out the double doors into the lobby where all of the others were waiting restlessly.

One look at their faces, told everyone that this was not good news. They all stood up and gathered in a group, then a receptionist came over to them and offered to show them where the hospital chapel was, and they followed her with no hesitation.

Once, they were all seated in the privacy of the room, Ralph stood up and went to the pulpit and looked over at each person.This was his family, and he loved each one of them. How God had been good to him and Rachel, and now he had to speak, as everyone sitting was waiting for the news.

He coughed from nerves and began to open his mouth, and at first nothing would come out, only tears began to flood his cheeks, and his wife came up to him and wrapped her arm around him and looked at everyone and said, it is not good news. The cancer has spread over Drew’s entire brain, and the doctor says there is nothing more to be done, but pray and wait.

You could hear a pin drop, the room became so silent, as everyone was trying to digest the information just given to them. Dahlia asked, are you saying he is dying? and Rachel shook her head in affirmation. Drake laid his head against Dahlia’s shoulders and wept. She wrapped her arms around him, giving him comfort. In between the sobs she could hear Drake crying out, my brother, my brother.

Each of them found themselves clinging to each other, and tears were being let loose, and God was reaching out drawing them all into his arms, bringing an understanding to each of them that they were going to lose their son, brother and good friend.

All of them sat back down and held hands in a circle, and Ralph began to pray to the heavenly father, asking him to watch over his son, and then one by one added their own request. More weeping was done and then silence fell over the room, as the touch of God’s arms wrapped around them was bringing them a peace they needed so badly at this moment.

As minutes ticked by, crying stopped and you could hear small gasping breaths from some, and others were trying to pull themselves back together. Sue spoke then, asking if they were allowed to see Drew, and Ralph said yes.

Each of the members of this group, stood up and said that they also would like to see Drew. They all walked out of the chapel door and back to the lobby, where others were sitting and now wondering what these people had been told that their faces were so forlorn.

Ralph walked up to the receptionist and said that they would all like to see Drew, and she reminded him of the room number and said that only two could go in at a time, and with this two by two they each went to see Drew.

Continuing Story Part 33

Drake and Dahlia had a good feeling about their upcoming wedding. Everything seemed to becoming together nicely. He had his suit, she had her dress. He  had his best man, and


Dahlia (Photo credit: Jonathan Gill)

she had her matron of honor. They each had their rings for each other. The flowers were ordered, the church and the minister were reserved. Family and friends were coming. They could think of nothing else they needed, but the food.

As Drake drove back to their home, he reached over and grabbed Dahlia’s hand and told her how much he loved her and could not wait to make her his wife. He could see the smile stretching on her face. He felt he was the luckiest man alive. He felt like he could not take his eyes off of her.

At that moment, the crunch was heard, as the car was being slammed into the car ahead of them at the stop sign. Drake was thrust forth into the steering column and then bounced back and slammed into the back of his seat. Dahlia was pushed forward and her head was meeting the windshield, forcing it to crack, and then she was slammed back into her seat and once again she went forward hitting her head again, but on the dashboard this time.

The car became quiet and all inside were still, but moans could be heard from Drake. The man that they had slammed into had been jolted but thankfully not injured badly. He had a cut on his forehead. There was not a high-speed and so Drakes car had pushed the car ahead of him into the cross streets, but he was alright. He got out of his car and stumbled a little getting his balance, and then walked back to the car that hit him.

The front of the car had been dented but not pushed in so far as to trap the two inside the car. He went and looked inside the windows at the two sitting there. He saw that Drake was sitting there rubbing his head, and glancing over at Dahlia he saw that she was slumped forward, her seat belt holding her in place.

Traffic that came up from different sides, stopped and turned off their engines. One lady ran over to see what she could do to help. She stated she was a nurse. The gentleman, David, who was hit, told her about what he observed, and the nurse ran over to Dahlia’s side to inspect for injuries. She yelled at one of the bystanders to go call an ambulance.

The nurse asked David if he was alright when she saw the cut and blood streaking his face, and he said he was fine, just a little shook up was all. The nurse opened the door of where Dahlia was sitting and felt her wrist for a pulse. She found it and yelled that she is alive, but she is unresponsive. We need to get this one to the hospital as quickly as possible.

David did his best at inspecting Drake and asked him if we was feeling any pain other than his neck, and Drake said he thought he was alright, to not worry about him, to please take care of this lady beside him.

Soon they all heard the roaring of the siren as the ambulance drove quickly to their aid. The driver and his helper jumped out and went to the back of the ambulance and threw open the doors and got the gurney out and as the nurse yelled at them to come to this lady first, they went over and tried shaking her and asking her if she could hear them.

Getting no response, they placed a neck brace around her neck and then gently pulled her from the car and stretched her out on the gurney. They quickly placed a mask over her nose and mouth and hooked the tubing to a portable oxygen tank. They took her vitals, and noted this on their reports. They then covered her with a warm blanket and placed her in the back of the ambulance. They then started and IV drip on her and then the driver got out of the back, shut the doors and got into the front seat of the vehicle and with sirens racing, he took off for the hospital.

David offered to drive Drake to the hospital in his car. There was not so much damage that his car could not be driven. Drake in a slight daze said he would appreciate this but he could not let his car sit here, and by the time he got those words out of his mouth, a wrecker had appeared. Between Drake and David, they gave the instructions on where to take the car, and David helped Drake out of the car.

He staggered a little but could walk fairly well. David told him that he thought it would be a good idea to let the hospital check him out as well, just to make sure there was nothing more seriously wrong than just a sore neck.

Drake agreed, but his mind was not on himself, it was the precious cargo that was being taken to the hospital. He walked with a little help to the passenger side of the car and with David opening the car door he sat down and buckled up. David got in on the driver’s seat and glanced at everything inside of the car. It all looked normal, and he turned the key to the ignition, and the car started immediately. He took off slowly making sure all was alright with the car, and then finding it safe, they took off at normal speed toward the hospital.

When they arrived at the hospital, Drake opened the door by himself and got out. Walking in a slight drunken state, he started walking toward the ER doors. David kept his pace with him, and when they got to the registration desk, Drake asked quickly about his fiancée, and the receptionist said she had just received the paper work on the patient, and until they knew more, she suggested the nurse and doctor check him out also.

Drake shook his head up and down nodding that this would be alright, but stating he wanted to know how Dahlia was as soon as there were any reports known. David took a hold of Drakes arm and helped him to walk over to the seating area to wait until they heard his name announced.

Picture it and Write it, August 26th, 2012










I am writing an exercise writing prompt for Ermilia today.

The watch was showing that time was ticking by quickly. The announcement had been made, the doors had been closed, and now the mind was left in the small room to ponder on how to move forward, after just receiving the deadly news that cancer had made its home in this body.

No one knew of this news yet. It was still being held as a secret in the only mind in the room. Tears were gently sneaking out from the corners of both eyes, falling on to the lap and forming  small spots of sadness. The mind was racing, and deep breaths were being inhaled in and out, as if it was forcing the mind to slow down. Give the sponge a chance to soak in all that had been said.

There was no comfort, only rules of etiquette had been followed. The nurse standing behind the doctor as the words came out of his mouth in monotone. The words that were remembered last were, I am so sorry. Is there someone I can call to come pick you up? I will give you some time with yourself to get your composure back. You can leave the office when you are ready.

The legs did move, and the body did follow, as the hand on the door knob turned it and let the complete body and shadow out of the door, closing it gently behind him. There was no stopping at the receptionist desk, and no appointments to be made. Artificial smiles were seen staring at the eyes, as the body made its way out the front doors.

It opened the car and sat itself in the front seat. All being done out of habit, as having been trained years ago on how to position oneself for driving a vehicle. Instead of placing the key in the ignition, both hands gripped the steering wheel and clung so tightly, the knuckles could be seen turning slowly white, and the finger tips turning a red rose color.

Tears that had been slowly falling, had now been turned into a water fall, and the eyes became blurry from sights in view, like drops of rain falling on a camera lens, and the head fell gently on to the steering wheel. Sobs could be seen outside the window, and anyone walking near, could see pain written all over this soul as it raged in shaking emotions.

After the body had exhausted all tears, and the well was dry, the nose was blown, and they eyes wiped dry. The key was entered into the ignition and the car was started. It didn’t know which way to go, so it sat motionless waiting for direction.

Eventually, taking a deep sigh, the car’s tires started to roll and it made its way out on to the high way. It somehow made its way to the city cemetery and found itself being parked in front of the parents grave sites. The body opened the door and dragged its feet until it came to the exact spot the lifeless shells were resting. Falling to the knees, the body slammed falling to the ground and grabbing hands full of grass, ripping them out by their roots, he cried and screamed to the markers, what did you do when you found out mom and dad that you had cancer? How did you deal with it? What were the emotions that were running through your mind, that you hid from the family? I miss you mom, I miss you dad. I need your help. Tell me what to do…………

Needs Or Wants

Cover of "Kindle Wireless Reading Device,...

Cover via Amazon

I am doing laundry and considering washing a couple of windows, inside and out. While I am debating on what to do next, I have been watching the commercials on the television. I realize that you can buy anything your heart desires for the right price. Do you need a new figure? You can buy a Weight Watchers diet plan. You can buy the special foods with the points numbered on them, and you can even pay to go weigh in public with others. Do you not like your face, your eyes, nose or chin? You can pay for an alteration, even splurging for a look where people would not recognize you immediately. Do you have those ugly spider veins? You can pay someone to take the streaks away, leaving you with beautiful legs. Are you and your partner not compatible in the bedroom? You can buy another human body for an hour to give you what you think you lack at home. Do the shoe commercials tell you that your feet would look more beautiful if you wore their brand of shoes? How many pairs of shoes are already in your closet, also guaranteed to make you more beautiful than you already are in God’s eyes. Did God not give you the perfect breast size? You can purchase new ones if you want. How about the body that God hath made? It is remarkable that you can now pay top dollars and have your gender changed. Can a commercial convince you that your car that is running fine, and only five years old, that you must have a faster, safer, more exotic car  to be able to fit in to this world? That you will get more dates, more looks, and more envious eyes turning your way? Don’t like carrying around your favorite paper back book? You can buy a Kindle and take this with you everywhere. You can purchase a certificate for anything you want to be today. I can remember when training was offered for free at a job, along with a weekly pay check. Remember, going into your grandma’s garden and picking that warm, plump  tomato off of the vine? Enjoying the flavor of it as you bite into it and the juices run down your arm? The watermelon? Dad would go to the garden patch and pick out one of many, cut if from the vine, and you had it for supper that night? Now you can pay a high price for organic, the same food you ate from the garden in earlier days. Now you can pay high prices, thanking the production companies, by filling their pockets, for not putting that cancer chemical in your foods. My father mowed our yard with a hand push mower, that had blades and a frame and handle. Now you can purchase gas, electric, self-propelled mowers, that almost do the guiding and work for you. Just know your budget and they can fulfill your dream. You can pay money to go to a club and walk an indoor track, or use an indoor, heated pool. When I was young, I walked as a way to get from point A to point B. I swam in the lakes, in the summer, where the natural sun heated the water, and I could go as many times as I wished all summer long for free. You can now purchase under garments that add lift to your bottom, or extra lift to your breast. Have a tummy that pokes out? You can buy an all in one, to keep it all hidden and under control. I could always listen to the radio at home on my very own portable radio, or I could choose to go out into the living room and watch the family television, all three channels. Now you can purchase many stations, premiums for kids, teens, and adults, any sports channel you can imagine, and you can watch these on any numerous televisions through out your house. You can purchase tiny electronics, that you can place ear buds in your ears, purchase and download the music, and have your very own juke box with you at all times. Need to take your computer with you? You can buy a laptop, and all the accessories, now making the internet available to you 24 hours a day.  When mom or dad called your name and you were so excited because someone was calling for you, now you can carry a cell phone, and pay top dollar in order to never miss a call. You can even purchase electronics that allow you to see the other person you are talking to. My parents each had two jobs in their lives. The one they started in their teen years, and the one they ended up retiring from. Now you can choose any job, switch at any time because there are no longer the securities built-in to the paycheck that give you the incentive to remain with one company. You can even buy your own retirement, and this is probably a good purchase, because if you don’t, you may retire in the poor house. Remember the wonderful health insurance you had when you worked full-time? Now you can purchase your own coverage, picking and choosing what you think you may need. This used to be  free, remember? Our world is in debt to a dollar amount that we can barely speak. Jobs are hard to find, if you are looking for security. God has promised to  give us all that we need in our lives, if we promise to love and follow him. How much do we pay yearly, to hear that we need more to be more. Is there a difference between wants and needs? Should we pay a higher price to keep the cancer chemicals out of our bodies, because the supply and demand is so huge with the fact that we want it all now? I am not saying that advancements in life are bad. We do need some in order to keep up with the future, but do you think the media, the television, magazine ads, books are promoting our minds to spend more on wants than needs. The clever pictures, words, and sexual innuendos that are used to sell us, are done so craftily, that we do not even realize what is happening. I find myself in these positions at times also. I am guilty for sure. When I see this happening, when I hear I want, I want, coming out of my mouth, I have to stop, and take a breath, and think, do I need this or do I want this. Just my opinions friends. No pointing  any fingers from me. We each live our own lives the way we see fit. Remember the phrase, stop and smell the roses? This is what I need to work on daily, because I can find my mind swirling and making me dizzy.

Please Don’t Say The F– Word

She rose and sat up on the edge of her bed, dreading starting the day. She just hated having to go to this place. She had a few hours before she would be sitting face to face with him. Being in the same room with him had never been held dear to her heart. In fact, if her memory served her well, he always left her sitting there feeling awkward and shy. Sometimes he could bring the beast out in her. She tried to prepare herself for their visits. She would walk in THE room, and take a seat. When he came in, she gave him her biggest smile. Somehow hoping that this would stop him from saying  all those words that would sometimes almost bring her to tears. One time she took  a dear friend with her. She knew he would not bring up since sensitive topics in front of guests. You know, this didn’t work either. He just asked her if she wanted to leave or did she feel comfortable eavesdropping in on this personal conversation. She and I looked at each other, neither of us being able to say a word, plastered to our seats, barely breathing. Since no one said anything, or got up to leave the room, he proceeded to go on with his announcements. Afterwards, out in the car, she would comfort me with her words, while I sat there and cried, swearing I would do better before the next time rolled around to see this man. We would drive to our favorite malt shop and splurge with burgers and malts, and talk about everything we had just heard. Eventually, we could both be found laughing so hard, the waitress would come over and see if all was alright . We both would look at her, and just start laughing, saying of course! We were just telling some jokes!. She smiled and went about tending to her customers. No one was going with me today. I stood up from the bed, and  started getting dressed, making sure to wear my most slimmest, looking clothes. I would wear my sandals today, instead of tennis shoes. I wasn’t that hungry, so I made myself two pieces of toast with peanut butter and had my morning java. I went in to my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Wishing I had a magical way of cutting off some of this and that, where ever it was most noticeable. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair. It was time to go. Time to go to

Untidy home office (mine)

Untidy home office (mine) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

the doctor’s office to get the results of my lab work.. The next words I heard being spoken was “Let’s get your weight”. The day had started.

The Big N

Last night’s sleep was restless. Plenty of nightmares about what was coming. The sharp point, looking at me, staring at my body. Ready for the attack. I dreamed that it ate me up and left me lifeless and laying in a pool of my own blood. Waking up in bad sweats, I should have changed the sheets, but how many times did I want to change them in one night? None, so I lay back down and drift off again, with the TV noise in the back ground, boring me into a sleep. Somewhere in my mind, the dream became alive once again. The look on her face was worse than any horror movie I had ever seen! Big buck teeth smiling at me, and if you looked real close you could see light bouncing off that one gold crown on the side of her mouth. Fat lips smiled at me, as she started walking slowly towards me, raising her hand, planning to do major damage to my body and my nerves. I felt wetness running down my leg, as she began to kneel beside me and whisper those awful words we all have heard one time or another. I woke again, sat up in bed. My hair was drenched in sweat. My breathing was rapid. My gown was stuck to me. I got up and went into my bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Drying it off, I looked at myself in the mirror, and was scolding myself  for behaving like this. This was not a good thing. Nothing or no one should ever get a hold of me to the point that it controls me even while I sleep. I changed night gowns, and used the potty. Turning the bathroom light off, I went back to bed. I turned my fan on medium, switched the TV remote off, and turned over on my stomach. I said a quick prayer to God, asking him to help me overcome this fear, to give me rest. He must have realized that this was a matter of utter importance, because when I awoke next, the sun was shining. Daylight was here. I felt like a mac truck had run over me. I made it to the bathroom and turned the hot water on in the shower, just adding a touch of cold. I stood there, for so long, my fingers looked like shriveled raisins. I washed my hair, and turned my body in to

one of the most laughter inducing photos i've ...

one of the most laughter inducing photos i've seen in a while. come back and look later... you'll laugh again (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

sweet-smelling lather. Getting rinsed and out of the shower, I dried off slowly, realizing that when I was dressed it would be time. Wrapped up in my towel, I walked back to my bedroom, and went through each piece of clothing in my closet. I finally picked something to wear, and forced myself to get dressed. I went back to the bathroom and took extra care fixing my hair and applying my make up. My time was up. Almost late. I grabbed my car keys and headed out the door. Got in my car, and unfortunately, it started right up. The car knew where I was going, so it drove at a faster speed than I was used to driving and before I knew it, I had arrived. I walked in, she smiled at me. I heard my name being called. I got up and walked through the big, swinging door. As I walked in to the tiny room, there she was. The woman in my nightmare. She had pearly white teeth, and a beautiful smile. I was instantly put at ease, until she came towards me, raising her hand, showing me the needle. I let out a quick breath, and turned my head. Ouch! It was over. I smiled, she smiled. I left and went on my way.