Tag Archives: dying process

360 Turn-a-Bout

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Well, it was short-lived. A beautiful, magical 24 hours where Al was at peace with himself and the world. But last night he did a 360. At 8pm he suddenly became confused. He didn’t know what day it was, nor time.

He was concerned whether Stacy, the caregiver would be here this morning. He was and still is restless. He says his hands are creeping and frozen. When he comments this, he is telling me his hands feel like they are moving and yet frozen in place at the same time.

The sleep I dreamed about getting two nights in a row didn’t happen. In fact, I didn’t sleep at all last night as he kept calling me in his room to repeat his fears.

This morning the caregiver came and she gave him a bath. I trimmed his moustache. She and I really doted on him but he just cried and cried. He was fearful of dying today. He has seen shadows in his room for a couple of days.

He hasn’t seen our parents or Jesus for some time. The shadows have replaced them I am thinking. He has me say a prayer for him each evening but this morning he asked me to pray for him. His request was for me to ask God to send Mom here.

I can’t pinpoint what the issue really is. Is he afraid of dying or is he afraid of dying alone. Other wise why would he have me ask God to send Mom here to help him go home. I have said about everything possible I can think of.

I have followed all leads that you have given me. I thought we had this whole thing licked when he was so calm and comfortable those 24 hours. I was just in there and I rubbed his arms. His veins are popped up as if he has been working on huge weights at the gym.

I am so hoping that as I am writing this he has drifted off to sleep as it is quiet through the monitor. He refuses to have any noise in his room and no light on at all. Pure silence is what he is requesting.

I know I am a repeater as of late, but I am coming to you once again to pray for that calm to return. I am asking you to say the same things I ask God for. To ease Al’s fear of dying and to let him go gracefully.

In my wildest nightmares that I have been having lately, I see Al screaming and crying as God is lifting him home. I don’t want this to be a reality. I am strong as you say, but I am no Super Woman.

So please stick with me friends, I am pleading for your help once again.

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Win-Win Situation For Al

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Today it seemed like a chilly Spring day. The temperatures were in the thirties. A much higher temp than thirty-five below zero. I went outside our front door. It felt good to get out.

I drove to Wal-Mart to get Al a new baby monitor. One of those that you can carry with you. With his new air bed motor being noisy  and the fact the caregiver has hearing issues, I felt like I was a big, old nag continually letting her know Al was calling her name.

She didn’t mind me telling her, but I minded it and with Al’s bitter soft voice, I admit he is very hard to hear. I got Al a new box of ice-cream and some popsicles. The nurse thought the treat would feel good on his lips.

I couldn’t get the ice-cream without the chocolate syrup of course. That is the way he likes it. For several days this has been all Al will eat. He eats very little but at least he will eat that. Along with some other groceries I wanted to look around for clearance items too, but started feeling a little ill.

I tried hard to fight it but it continued to get worse so I stopped at the Sub-Way inside the store and picked up two sandwiches, one for the caregiver and of course me. Both Chicken, Bacon Ranch on flat bread. I like to do nice things for Stacy if I can, because she is so caring and good with Al.

Once I got back into my car to leave for home I instantly felt better. I knew then that it was me that was causing the ill feelings. I was out of my comfort zone. I was in a place where many people were and I was uncomfortable.

I started the car and waiting for it to warm up again, I questioned myself on how long I had actually been in the house. I couldn’t remember. I knew that I went down to the grocery store before the blizzard and got some emergency foods so I didn’t run out. I also remembered going to the big grocery store the week before Christmas.

Other than that the bad weather and Al’s health have  held me inside our home. I can’t let myself become a hermit. I can’t believe I didn’t really enjoy being out and on top of that almost made myself sick.

All the time I was out I thought of Al and hoped he was alright. I checked my cell a couple of times to see if Stacy had called, needing me. Being a caregiver involves so much more than just the physical care of a patient. I believe it takes hold of every fiber of our being when it is a full-time job.

I made up my mind that when I can, I will get out for a bit. I can’t control the weather, and I can’t fix how light-weight my car is, but I can get outside for a breath of fresh air more often. I need to push myself harder and realize I am not the one who is lying in the bed sick. I have two feet that work and I do not have to be glued to the four walls.

I will be glad when Spring is here and I can get back outside again. Maybe sit in the swing, or watch the birds. If Al is still here, I can carry the portable monitor with me or just hand it to the caregiver and let her be doing the job she was hired for.

Al loves his new air bed and this is nice. But I think with having to get him out of bed yesterday for the transfer of beds was hard on him. His vitals have changed and haven’t returned back to his normal. He has slept around the clock since yesterday, only waking up to eat some ice-cream. I am thinking part of it is the comfy bed and part of it is the illness. I have been told by many that in the ending days Al will sleep almost all the time. Either way, God is in control.

So many have been praying for Al’s release of this body into a new heavenly body. Maybe God used that new mattress as a way to speed up the process, and maybe not. All I know is Al is very calm, very peaceful, and sleeping 22 hours out of 24. If this is the way Al will enter into his new life, then it is a good thing, and if this is the way his body is going to react to the new bed, then that is also a good thing. Either way, it is a win-win situation for Al.

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26 Hours And Still Awake

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Hi my friends. I have now been up for over 26 hours with dozing in between. It is not me only doing this, it is Al too. Hospice says it is a restless syndrome right before the dying. I don’t know what it is and I can’t identify it any other way than fidgety.

Yesterday I posted but then I deleted it. It was a post on my feelings at the moment and not the entire scene. I guess I don’t do well when I have no sleep. I am crabby and can be short-tempered. I cry and I feel guilt at not being able to help Al in any way.

He is in God’s hands now and all I can do is make sure he is dry. Comfort is not something I can give him it seems. No matter what position I place him in he is not comfortable. I can sense his fear of dying but no matter what I try to say to make it feel better, it doesn’t work. Once again I think this is between him and God.

I guess when I am weak I become fearful, and this is why I deleted the post. I kept thinking afterwards, what will my friends think if they learn of me being angry, frustrated and sounding whiny.

Al sleeps about twenty minutes out of a couple of hours. He is on very high doses of medications but they aren’t working. Hospice was here for several hours today. The Hospice minister dropped by to see Al. Al had requested my son to come by a few times. I asked my son to please come over and he did.

The Hospice team, the Doctors and the Pharmacist are all working together and by Monday sometime there is to be a new medication that will enable Al’s body to go into a deeper sleep to help him pass into the dying process.

Al had been begging the Hospice nurse to give him a needle or a shot to end his life, but of course it is illegal here and the nurse told him she could not help him out. This only agitated Al more and this in turn caused more agitation from him.

Many times today I have cried out to God, what are you waiting for? He wants to come home, help him. I can’t sense a God here in our house, or even in Al’s bedroom. It doesn’t mean there isn’t a God here, it just means I feel nothing but tiredness and I feel almost numb anymore.

I have seen Al reaching up to the ceiling with his arms trying to leave. Talk about a tear jerker. It bring tears to my eyes instantly as if I am watching in slow motion a movie that is playing out and I have guessed the ending but have yet to see it.

I am not sure what I am running on. I can only imagine what Al is running on. It must be burnt fumes of earlier energy. Al is wetting extremely heavy. Almost every fifteen minutes he has soaked a brief. He is still drinking and eating but not very much. He has some sort of brown colored stuff that is coming from his mouth.

I keep dabbing it clean with toothettes. His mouth is dry but I imagine part of it is the medicine he is on. He sweats and then he freezes. He stares at me with those big blue eyes and when I asked him what do you want to say, he says nothing.

Rhino the cat will come in and jump on my lap and put his paws on my face or give me a kiss. I know without knowing cat language that Rhino feels the emotions running throughout the house.

I am ready to let Al go. I can no longer stand to watch his suffering and I have told Al many times to please go see Mom and Dad. Al has told me several times today that he loves me with all of his heart. When Randy, my son came to see him, he told him goodbye.

This tore at me so bad I broke out crying right there in front of Al. So life here at our house is its own living hell. It includes a lot of love, heartache, anger, tears, sleepiness, restlessness and any other emotions you can think of.

I will try to post once a day for now. Al does not like to be alone. He can be asleep and as soon as I tip toe out of the room he is wide awake. I love all of you, my friends and I think of you often.DSC00165DSC00162M.S.A. coverM.S.A. logopurple candles

The Journey Continues

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With the sleep I stole yesterday through the day it didn’t bother me too much getting up with Al through the night last night. He and I had many conversations during the evening and the middle of night.

I could clearly tell that Al  has made peace with himself and the world. When he did sometimes look me in the eye I could feel a calm staring at me. It has been so odd lately this week.

With Al being a massive routine person it seemed strange to no longer turn the fans on for him. At times he has asked for the TV to be turned off. It seems that silence has become his friend as his mind ponders on his life.

I only interact with his personal thoughts when he has asked me. I feel it is a very private process and I have no right to interfere. The night before we discussed his Grandma who lives in Florida. We also talked about an aunt who resides in Florida also.

There is pain in memories that Al and I both have carried for a couple of years now. I have forgiven the harsh words, and have moved forward; but when Al brings it back up I can feel a sting return.

I didn’t know how to handle it, since we could not go to Florida so he could speak to them in person. So I became the third person, repeating Al’s words to God that Al said and doing it out loud so he could be sure that God was getting his messages.

It seemed by the time we both found sleep he had come to an inner peace. He had also brought up last night that he wished he could say good-bye to family members. This part hurt me terribly and I can’t help but add I got a little angry.

The people who Al mentioned I have already previously contacted and let them know that he was reaching out to them. I have tried my best to get people in Al’s life to understand that he may be mentally challenged but not stupid. He misses people and has hoped that he would get those visits.

Al only has issues with comprehension, other than that he knows who his family and friends are. He also realizes who has not contacted him in some way and then he cries, telling me he did something wrong. I can do no more for him on this topic unless I want to get on bended knee to those and beg, and I refuse to do that.

Last night Al said he thought he was done with everything that was important to him but for one thing, the will. He said he needed to make a will. I asked around for a video recorder but I never located one.

The next best thing I could do for him was to take pen and paper and let Al write his own will, with me doing the writing. I know that it would not hold up in a court of law, but it was sealed and complete in Al’s mind.

He told me about his coca cola collection. Who he wanted to have certain things. He talked about his vintage car collection. He had been obviously thinking about this very much because he had me write down his clothes, dresser, TV, shelving units. Just about everything in his room was added to the will and separated.

When he felt he was done I read back to him what I had written and he felt content with it. I drew a line and Al signed it. I had silent tears running down my cheeks and all I could do is reach out and rub his arm and his fingers.

He talked then about the ladder to the sky and the little lights he was seeing. I told him that if he decided to leave during the night to always remember how much I loved him. I explained that I would never forget him and reminded him how special he was to me in my life.

He wrapped his free hand over mine and started to cry, but I heard clearly through his tears saying to me, ” I love you sis. You are the best sis I have ever had.”kids sleddingpurple candles100_0749