Tag Archives: dying

Life Is What We Make It

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It brought me so much comfort late last night. I was able to talk to my daughter, in fact we spoke two nights in a row. It amazes me how when life looks so glum, when my chin hangs so low, when  I look real hard, I can always see a beam of light shining from some where.

The idea is to keep looking up. Pick myself off the floor and look for that ray of sunshine.Beautiful-UK-weather-_t2fe I have learned in the last week or so that I am going to be a Grandma now twice again. The latest news came yesterday. One will be due in July and the other in March. As I sat here taking in the news I saw a vision of one door closing on life and two new doors opening.

Allowing warmth and smiles to radiate. I guess this is how life actually works. We are born. We grow and we do what we do in life and then God decides to take us home.

It has been so very hard to listen to Al tell me the past two days that he is giving up. Where is the fight that I generally have seen? It seems to be gone and yet there is always a small part of me that believes this is just bad days we are going through. We are in the valley and once again we will be on the mountain top praising the heavens for one more chance.

But sometimes this doesn’t happen. When God says our job is complete, it is complete. There is no bargaining.

And so the void in my life and heart will be replaced by two little innocent babes, looking for their own mark in the world. Various people they will interact with during their walk will influence and help to mold them.

I can only hope as their Grandma that they make right choices and live a good life. This world has much to offer, but you have to find the needle in the hay stack.needle It’s there, it’s always been there. It is just a little more difficult today to see it.

I have to smile to myself as new life once again takes its place among the many steps that have been walked before.

To watch the development of independent decisions grow and fester until the cocoon burst and a beautiful butterfly appears.

Yes life is magnificent. Even through the sorrowful times of illness and death, new life and wonderful opportunities are waiting for us to dive into. It is only up to us to decide to take the chance, the risk of exploring.

We can look down on life. We can ponder and talk about the terrible rocks we have stumbled over. Or we can look at these pebbles as stepping-stones, of learning and growth. We have a life to live and we have a time to die. Where are you at in this cycle? I know that some days I am in the middle, and I have days where I am looking down, my chin hanging, but I keep trying, for God is good, life is exciting, and adventure is ours.

Daily Prompt: Last Words/ The Daily Post

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I am lying here in my bed, covered all the way to the top to my chin. Others have already

Fearless

claimed me as dead, or surely, they would only cover half of me. I can speak, but the words come slowly, as my brain is taking too long to catch up to my lips.

I manage to grasp the handle of the bell and call an assistant to my bedside. I can not say goodbye to this world I have visited for the last 85 years, without letting you know that I am leaving, never to come back.

The young lady comes in and leans over my bed, and thinking I can not hear, she leans into my ear, and softly, without breathing, ask me how she can be of service to me. I tell her to grab that pad on the night stand, and to get the red ink pen lying beside it and to pull that chair in the corner over to my bedside.

Without questioning my motives, she does as I request, and comes back and sits beside me. We are so close that I do not have to strain my lungs, as I form the words from my heart.

I tell her to write what I say, and then to go back and check for all grammar and to make it right, as I am a writer, and errors are something that I treasure on not making. She pulls her glasses up from around her neck and slips them over her nose, and making a small line in the corner of the page, she makes sure the pen is working properly. She then looks up at me and says she is ready, I can start.

I give her a weak smile, and I do not waste valuable time, because I have been told a secret by the good Lord that I am going home today. I struggle but manage to clear my lungs, so that my words can be heard without much effort, and  my mouth opens, my lips begin to form words, and I can hear myself say.

My dear friends, I want to speak to you today to let you know that my time here on earth is about to end. I am going home today and I could not leave without letting you know what you mean to me.

I was in a position of losing myself while caring for my brother, and through your wings, you lifted me up in your arms, using your own lips and words to comfort me.

When God whispered in my ear to begin to write once again, he never told or explained to me the wonderful gifts I would receive from doing his work.

I was living inside of four walls, watching my  brother slowly fall away from me, while he suffered from his terrible illness, called Parkinson’s Disease. I became accustomed to hearing his pains, and hearing him calling out to his God, asking him to take him home.

When you hear this on a daily basis, it is easy to be sucked into another life, although you, yourself are not even sick.

The emotional turmoil that you suffer along with the patient, can without you realizing it, also take its toll on your own health.

But, writing and slowly letting you get to know my inner soul, has allowed me to slowly bloom into a beautiful flower, its roots ground deeply in your friendship and words of comfort.

The petals from my stem that I drink from come from you, my blogging friends. All of you have said something kind, or made me laugh.

I can not even say one name of anyone who has turned their back on me here. Each of you have brought something new to my life.

Viveka, you have taught me how to cook with little and yet wet my taste buds. Jo, you have spent many hours comforting me after others have gone turned out their lights.

Julie, you have shown me how to retain the strength that I have left. Tilly, you have been my bible, each night, as I look towards your blog, your words bringing me medicine for my soul.

Sandy, you have shown me that I must continue to move forth, to take one day at a time. Barb, you have been a believer in me for so long now, and you have taught me to believe in myself as well.

Buck, the courage that you show me each day, makes me repeat to myself that I need to be thankful for what I have. Patty, you have brought kindness to me through your words.

Granny, you have managed to lift my spirits with your words. Kathy, you have shown me that it is alright to stand up for what I believe in.

Brian, you have offered me friendship without knowing my name, and Rob, I owe you so much, for I am able to come to you with questions I have from within the bible.

Debbie, without your daily prayers, I may not have made it this far in life. Bonita, you have always been there for me, and what you have offered to Al in helping keep him here at home, I can never forget.

Diane, what a god-send you have been to me, never a day goes by without a comforting word from your heart. Ivonne, you have brought light to my day, when there was a film in my eye. Hope, you have such a way with words, you amaze me.

Apple, you have brought me much laughter with your tales of silly things you have done, like the story about the attic? Jomaid, you are one of my newer friends, but you are more like an angel sent to help me through a sad day. Dana, what would I do without your friendship?

Marilyn, not only have you been a dear friend to me, but you will always be a nice thought in my brother’s life, for what you have done for him. Share, I want to thank-you for your new friendship.

I am old and ready to go home, and I am sure I have forgotten a name or two, but please do not be mad, please blame it on my bad memory.

I am getting tired, and my journey has begun. God has given me the signal, and so I must stop now. One last time, I want to thank every single person who has touched my life and helped me to bring smiles to my brother’s face.

May God bless and know that I have requested from God a special table to be set aside. For one day you will join me, and we shall be together all once again, picking up our pens and writing again.

I love you all, and so for now, I bid you goodbye.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2012/11/21/daily-prompt-last-words/

You have the chance to write one last post on your blog before you stop blogging forever. Write it.

 

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Al’s Words In My Writing To His Family

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English: Two angels

English: Two angels (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tonight after supper, I sat down with Al and told him that I would rather write a letter to his two aunts, telling them what he wants to say. I told him that since my visit with Julie did not go as planned, that this may be the best way to go.

He started to cry. A lot of feelings came to the surface as the first thing that was stated from him, was they do not care about him.

Here is the short note, that I will now place in envelopes and mail tomorrow at his request.

 

 

I am writing this on behalf of Alvin Jr.  I have asked him to tell me what he wished for me to say in this letter. This is what he requested. He wanted me to reach out to you. He wanted me to speak on his behalf as he believes he may be nearing death.  Alvin is in the comfort care part of Parkinson’s.  Alvin is afraid you will be surprised when you find out that he has passed on, and this is the reason for this short note. He says,

Tell them that I am sick. Tell them that I have Parkinson’s and I don’t think I have much time left. God has told me my life is almost over.

Tell them that I love them.

Ask them if they still love me

 

This is what he wanted me to say, and so I have honored his wishes.

Alvin has been making last-minute preparations for his death. He had me take him to the cemetery so that he could speak to mom and dad.

He has had several conversations with God and he believes that God told him that his time is near.

Contrary to what people are saying, thinking, choosing truths or non truths is none of my concern.

Each birthday and holiday that came and went Alvin always cried because he feels no one loves him from the family.

I am not God, but thankfully God has taken me through this journey of caring for Al these past four years. I would not have traded this for anything that is available in this world.

Well, I have stated what he wanted me to state.

Thank you,

Terry Shepherd

 

 

As soon as I mail them, I will feel that I have honored Al’s wishes. I don’t know what else I can do for him, but if there is anything else he requests, I will try my best to honor it.

It will be an honor, joy, and privilege, to go to heaven and see Al there walking, running, and smiling, pain-free. We will both never remember these days of struggles, tremors, crying, tears and pain. Even if I go first, I know that I will recognize him immediately upon his arrival, and we shall embrace each other with loving hugs.