I know you are probably getting so sick and tired of me writing about my brother, but I can’t help it. I have no one to speak to, but you, my faithful readers. I have called and made contact with anyone and everyone I can think of. I don’t know why. There is nothing that can be done. All medications have been tried and have failed, making his tremors much worse with terrible drooling. If there is one thing I can count on it is taking him out to his favorite place for supper with his caregiver, her son, and me. He is full of smiles, and lots of chatter. All pains and tremors are still there, but somehow hidden somewhere deep inside for the moment. It is wonderful to see him this way. Today, was the big day. Plans had been made for us all to meet for that special supper. The evening started out with not even remembering that he was going out, which is a very rare thing. He remembers anything that has to do with him and fun. On the way to the restaurant, at stop lights, I could feel me shaking and the car was shaking, because the tremors are so strong and constant. We arrive in the parking lot, get out, and they are waiting for us. They wave and yell hi to him. He says nothing. No smile. Absent expression on his face. Twice I heard him cuss, because he legs didn’t move when he wanted them to. I helped him get to his seat, and then helped him fill his plate. Although I was hanging on to the back of his shirt tail, he was staggering like he had just emerged from a bar. All through supper his nose was about two inches from his plate. Totally bent over, seeming like he was afraid he was going to miss out on eating, but I think it was to help the food get into his mouth. There was pretended laughter throughout the caregiver, her son, and myself, all the while keeping an eye on him. Still no expression, not talking, no smiles. All of a sudden he announced he felt funny in his arm. A loss of sensation. She and I looked at each other, and she shook her head, like in understanding. I did not understand. I was thinking stroke. I held his hand and it was warm, a slight greyish look to his nails. We ended the evening shorter than usual. It was not worth sitting there, when she and I wanted to discuss our concerns with each other, but could not do that in front of him. He stood up, would not accept my help to put his jacket on. His knees bending the longer he stood there and fought with that jacket, but he finally got it on. No words were exchanged on the way home. Total silence. Even the sounds of the radio helped very little. I can’t even remember who was singing. We are home now. He went straight to his room. I hurriedly looked up online, loss of sensation with Parkinson’s. There it was. Description: the tremors cause so much friction within the nerves and muscles that it causes a loss of sensation, that can move through out his limbs. I start to scream inside. Lord!!!!! Deal with this. I am tired. Please help him. Please show me what to do!!!! Somebody help us.
Every day when I wake up, I thank my God for allowing me to have one more day. It seems that we get in ruts and routines in our lives. Get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. In between, we have a few happy surprises, some shocks, some sadness, but the day goes on with or without us. I try to look for small ways to show someone I care, to put a smile on someone’s face, to be understanding, have compassion, and to be a good listener. When you are on my side of the fence, the days can tend to run one into another, and I don’t always see the small blessings I am given. For this Lord, I am sorry. When we have smooth days, these are the best of the best. Friendly smiles, lots of chatter, no new aches or pains do I hear from his mouth. I cherish these moments. For him, I wish they would happen every single day until no breathing can be heard from him. My heart aches on his bad days. I watch his tremors uncontrollably shake until I see his body grow weary and tired. There are days in a row, where I see no joy, only sadness in his eyes with flowing tears for no reason. It is very difficult to write this story, as my heart is aching. This person I am talking about is my very own brother. You see this terrible thing came into his body and grabbed hard and didn’t let go. It’s name is Parkinson’s. Along with his Parkinson’s, is his incapability of comprehension. A mental disorder. He cries because he doesn’t understand why he has tremors. He gets angry that he forgets because of the dementia, that came uninvited when the Parkinson’s stepped in. How does a sister deal with this emotional roller coaster? It is very hard. I try to give him breaks from me by finding outings that he can go to and I try to give myself a break also. Today, God gave me a huge blessing. My family and I spent the day together. It brought joy and plenty of smiles to all. We are both tired now at the end of this glorious day, but as we looked at each other for the last time tonight, before climbing into bed, we both said good nite sis, good nite brother. We parted each with smiles on our faces and a fresh look on tomorrow. Thank you Lord for blessing me, and healing our souls for today.