A thought, a word

Can excite and stir up

More feelings than about

Anything else in the world.

A memory, a face, a smile

Brings memories flooding

Back, forcing you to stop

Dead in your tracks.

Children and grandkids

Giggles and looks, all

Take me to a place

Where I once belonged.

A Grandmother’s mind

Becomes obsessed with

All the loves in her life.

Rocking or resting she

Thrives on what once was

And smiles to herself, wishing

She could pack every moment

And take it with her to into the depth of the earth.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd












It’s been a few days since I have blogged; but I have been busy. As you all know I moved after Al, my brother passed away. I just couldn’t face the home we lived in each day. My mourning was so deep, I couldn’t see anything but him every step I took.

I moved down to my daughter’s area. I knew that I had Parkinson’s and my deep emotions made me believe I would be better off in a new area. I am not positive of the real reasons I moved here. I should state, I don’t know if I made the decision or God allowed the move.

I do know that being away from Warsaw did me a lot of good. I was able to spend more time with my family here in Kentucky. I was introduced to baby chicks, great pets, friendly people and quiet living. I did have a better chance of healing from losing Al. I still think of him daily, but I am better. I have to look at the positive of being out from under those walls he and I shared.

I have been here 8 months. In this time, I have done everything in my power, aside from standing on my head to locate a job. Throughout doubting myself as a suitable candidate for hire, I discovered, that it isn’t so much your qualifications you have obtained; but rather who you know.

Maybe this is true in any small town, or maybe it is due partially to being in the south. I will always admire how family sticks together here and looks out for each other. I don’t see that so much up north.

The job never came. Interviews came and went. No one knew me, so passing me over for someone they knew was their option they took. The weather here is much better. The snow is less, the heat is hotter. More mountains, more trees, more beauty.

In the end, I know from being the age I am that no one is going to take care of me; but me. I say this in all good faith. Of course, if I was in an emergency situation or needed health care or a nursing home, my family would be right there for me.

I am not at that point though. Nursing homes enter my mind; but down the road, and hopefully way down the road.  Using a cane I guess is not that bad. It enables me to still walk. I could be so much worse and hopefully I won’t be worse for a long time. I did learn that I want to live. I can’t sit and worry about what tomorrow will bring, and that is what I was doing; waiting and wondering. What I didn’t do when I was back home was have enough faith in God that as each point came in my life, he would help me solve the problem.

I just know that it didn’t work out here and I must go back home to Indiana. Of course, I will be thrilled to see my 2 sons and all the grandchildren. Definitely, I will miss my family down here.

I have to work. I must have some income flowing into my life. I can not live on faith alone and I refuse to live on hand-outs, so I have made this decision to return. I will be moving back to Indiana May 2. I was able to obtain a nice apartment which is even close to a dear friend of mine. I have already applied for a position there and if nothing else; I can return to Hospice work.

I hate the thought of renting, but I can’t kick myself repeatedly for the decisions I have already made. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to own property any longer. Next week I will be 61 and I am not sure owning property, upkeep, taxes, and worry  is something I really want at this point. I guess I look at it as; I am paying rent in order to live a stress-free life.

So from here until the next 2 weeks, I am doing that nasty thing we all have done at one point or another. I am packing, cleaning and moving.





yellow 2

Monthly Contest

Jeanneclaire Probst has chosen the topic of family poems.
She feels that families are more important than we realize. It takes families by trial and error to remedy situations that arise so that there is no dissension among loved ones. It will take the same remedies that work within families to help solve world problems among people of different tribes, tongues and nations. All were put here for a time, and a purpose; with none being more important than the other. We all learn from one another, and can benefit from one another if we are willing to look at our neighbor as our “family” and work out situations that might hinder growth and peace. I believe we were meant to be able to work out our problems and move forward with the eyes of hope and the love of hearts.

This is the twelfth poem contest for Poetry in My Mind group. The most likes will win on March 31st , midnight. The winner will choose the next month’s poetic format or topic and have his/her picture placed where Jeanneclaire Probst is for March. You cannot like your own poem. The 4 administrators will remain neutral because we will serve as tie breakers, if needed. (Marcella Leff, admin.)

Poetry Contest

I lay here on my bed

Pain flowing from toe to head

My mind wanders back in time

When so many times I was out of line

I remember the words I said

How I wished they were all very dead

I saw my mama’s tears

When she couldn’t believe her ears

And papa I hurt so bad

I wasn’t thankful for what I had

I wish I could go back in time

I would change every word and line

I would smile and respect their thoughts

For what they learned was taught

Now I lay here dying in my  bed

Begging   forgiveness for all I said

If I have learned nothing else

It is to not look at only one’s self

Family is a strong branch of a tree

The trunk is what rooted me

Please take a moment today

Say hello and go out of your way

Show them you really care

Tell them anytime, anywhere.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

black tree




Undo/ The Daily Post



If you could un-invent something, what would it be? Discuss why, potential repercussions, or a possible alternative.

I know you are going to think I am crazy when I write this post, but I am a crazy gal. I like the word, FAMILY. Family to me represents the good up-bringing I had. The sitting down at the table together as a family; holding hands and one of us kids saying grace.

The routine of baths after dinner, homework and if we got finished in time we were allowed to watch TV with mom and dad. Bedtime came at the same moment Monday through Friday, and an hour later on weekends.

We had a routine. We always knew we could depend on our parents. We knew the rules of going to school and what our chores were on the weekends. Family, a strong unit, somewhat broken from technology of cell phones and computers.

Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if there were guidelines as there were when we were bring raised. Perhaps time limits on cell phone use and computer time. Not only do the kids today not go anywhere without their cell phones, most of them have computer technology on the phones.

I can’t begin to count the number of times I have entered a public establishment and notice zero smiles. I don’t see people looking up at me and with a nod of the head acknowledging my presence.

Kids, parents, adults, elderly, almost everyone has updated with the times. What happened though? The term, family, the eating, praying, talking together, the guidelines, chores, what happened to family? Without our even realizing it, we ever so quietly traded good habits into a phrase of it’s all about me.

This is sad, more young girls pregnant, elderly respect has been lost to the seas. Looking out for our neighbors has slipped right past us. Maybe it is the era I was brought up in. So for this prompt, I would undo the technology of cell phones and computers, if even for one day. Stand up and take notice. Drink that coffee with a  smile. Go outside and smell those flowers. Wave and say hello to your neighbor, just for one day.


Movie Review

blendedI watched one more movie tonight. If you are looking for comedy, innocent romance, no foul language, no killing, and an excellent movie, this is what I would give as a rating to this movie, Blended. FOUR STARS.

Blended is a 2014 American romantic comedy film directed by Frank Coraci and written by Ivan Menchell and Clare Sera. Starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore with an ensemble cast featuring Bella Thorne, Emma…

  • Release date: May 23, 2014
  • Rating: PG-13
  • Genre: Romantic comedy
  • Director: Frank Coraci
  • Running time: 117 mins
  • Box office gross: $46,280,508
  • Budget: $40,000,000

Happy Thanksgiving dear friends

I   don’t  know  where  the  time  went  today .  I   planned  on  writing  to  you  earlier. Now it’s  evening  and thoughts  are turning  to  preparations  of tomorrow’s  big turkey  day.

Tomorrow  I  will  be  spending  the  day  with  my  daughter  and my thoughts  will  be  also  with  my family  and  friends  back  in  Indiana. So many  things  change  in our lives as we get older. I say  a silent  prayer and thank  God  for  allowing  me  to  have spent  many  years  with  my parents  and  my brother.

Maybe I   will   take a quick  ride to heaven and sit with my family  at the  big  table. I   will  tell  them  how  much  I  love  them  and  miss  them, then  hurry  back to the  people  who  love  me here  on  earth.

So to each  of  you  no matter  where  you  are  I  wish  you  a  happy  Thanksgiving  Day. God bless you  and  your  family  and  enjoy  what  ever  you  are  doing  tomorrow.

Thoughts For Today

It was so hot and muggy last night. Our temperatures the last couple of days was almost 100. When I woke up this morning I was cold. I turned off the fan and got dressed. The big rains we had over night cooled it down.

Right now it is 68. I was watching the  news and saw that this coming weekend we will be lucky to have a high of 60 degrees. 60? isn’t that a little bit fall-like? I guess with September being here we will see a roller coaster of temperatures.

Summer will fight to remain while the chill of fall pushes its way in. Time to put those bikinis away ladies. Schools have started all around here. Fog hovers in the early mornings.

Thoughts change from picnic foods to warm soups and heartier foods. One of my favorite soups that I could eat all year round is chili. I just love it. What is your favorite soup?

I saw on Hallmark station yesterday the commercial for the Christmas movies. I was blown away. Christmas, already? who is thinking about Christmas? The station reported the movies will start at the end of October. Wow, has it been almost a year since I put that big tree away?

With Al not being here and moving farther away I know I won’t have family at my home for the holidays. My son wanted a big tree so I gave it to him this week. I know the kids will love waking up on Christmas morning seeing the twinkling lights and the goodies under the tree.

Last year Christmas was so sad. Al was still with me but he didn’t realize it was Christmas Day. He slept through most of it. This coming Christmas will be sad but different.

I plan on hitching a ride with my daughter when they come up to visit for their Christmas with her husband. I will spend the day with my kids. It will be nice but there will be that familiar void I have been feeling as of late without my family being there.

Can you imagine what Christmas is like in heaven? Oh my, the mind can not even take in how grand it will be. Do you think Al will be smiling? I do and he will be spending the holidays with our family.

Well, I got invited for breakfast this morning. I think I best get dressed and look presentable. I am going to go visit my oldest son later today, so today is full. I hope all of you have a nice weekend. Smiles and God bless.


When Down Low, Angels Flow

chloeI haven’t felt the best  today, from the stupid mistake I made yesterday moving my bed. I have done very little today; but I am feeling a bit better tonight with pain medications, so time to get up and start moving around.

Speaking of moving, it seems when I am at one of my low points in life, God sends angels to my rescue to up-lift me. Today, I received two of those angels. One of them was a video of my youngest granddaughter. This is  her, all eyes and beautiful with her loving brother, looking down at her. I tell you, this made me smile big and brightened up my day.

The other angel was my phone ringing. When I looked at it, it was my daughter who lives such a busy life; but yet took time to give me a call just to chat. She didn’t want anything special, and this is what made the call so nice.

Thank-you angels.


Please Let my Pain Rest

For two nights in a row I have slept like crap. Dreams, yes dreams are what kept me waking up. The first night I had dreams that my kids were chasing me. My arms were being pulled apart as different kids had words being hurled at me and I didn’t know which way to go.

I got through that by only waking up one time. It was a fairy-tale ending so to speak. I remember everyone in my dream was smiling in the end. Those are the best dreams aren’t they?

Last night’s dream woke me up at least three times. When I went back to sleep I picked up where the dream had left off. It was a strange dream and yet familiar. I kept hearing bells. I had another dream last month where it had to do with Al and bells.

Last night bells kept going off. Tinker type bells, not big, piercing bells. I would wake up to see Al standing at the foot of my bed and he would say nothing but smile at me. When my eyes were fully awake I would see nothing.

I dreamed of many times Al and I had gone to flea markets in Florida and I could hear the conversations that we had once shared. I had visions of trips we took to this flea market in Kentucky. It was as if I was re-living the real scene all over. I remember Al rushing down the aisles to see if there was any coke items and if there wasn’t he would sit down and wait. This was always irritating to me and I remember trying to teach him that we were at the flea market not just for him, but for me also.

I saw dad’s drooling from his mouth and his lip quivering and I am pretty sure that my own thoughts of having Parkinson’s Disease now is what caused that part of my dream. The bells though; this is what kept waking me up. I don’t know how many times i heard them but each time Al would appear at the end of the bed.

I never got out of bed until late this morning, and then I was woken by a phone call from distant relatives. Have you had that happen to you also? Someone who has hurt you and hasn’t spoken to you for years now is calling?

It brings back all the pain and hurt. The conversations do not feel real. Suspicion on what is really wanted enters the back door. There was a lot of, way too much of drama that happened when my dad was ill.

I took care of my dad myself pretty much, as far as doctor appointments, and physical care was concerned.  My dad was my hero and he and I had talked very intent conversations towards the end.

I hurt for my dad when people he thought would come see him did not and ugly words were tossed around from those who didn’t help care for him. They were just ugly times. I somehow made it through it and was able to suppress the ugly and remember the gold of my dad.

Then there was my brother. People wanting things they thought he had. Few calls were made from the family that Al most wanted to hear from. If it were not for my caregivers and my best friend, Al and I would have suffered through Al’s illness alone.

Deep pain still exists from those years and I hate to sound selfish; but I don’t want to be reminded of it today. I am trying to heal. I sometimes think that my daughter makes a very valid point today. When our dad died, Al had his heart attack exactly one week after we buried dad. I never had a chance to mourn my idol, before I was thrust into the caregiver part of taking care of Al the next seven years. Now the mourning process is terrible. I didn’t expect it to go on this long. My daughter says I am most likely mourning not just losing Al, but dad also; causing this huge void in my life.

So when the phone call came in this morning it brought everything rushing back again. The sour words, the lack of concern, the threats. I am sure I played parts in causing pain, but I believe that most decisions I made were to protect my brother.

He had on the surface a wonderful life, but if you talked to Al, you were able to learn and see that many of his emotional problems stemmed from his estranged life with his dad. Pain runs deep and if it can’t be healed or is continued to draw on for years, the damages are not easily healed.

When I learned of Al’s true feelings I protected him at all cost, even if it meant hurting others or them not understanding. I did what I did. I have this huge hang up today with living in or with the past.

The whys and what ifs eat me up. Did I ever mention that  am perfect? No, because I know I am not. I am human and sometimes I have made decisions based on being hurt or as I said to protect Al.

All in all though, I got to know another side of Al that no one else did. I feel lucky. I feel happy that I was able to provide him with as much as I could. I was able to see more smiles from him than I saw in his entire youth.

If no one else understands why or how I feel this way my only answer is they should have quit standing on the outside judging and remembered they were once close and got themselves involved in Al and my life.

For those who are lucky enough to  have a close knit family still today, good for you. For those who have been hurt by family members and the resolving of issues still carries with you, you understand my feelings today.

Today is going to be one of those times where once again I am reminded of all the past. I am going to spend a tiny amount of time facing these who hurt me. Phone conversations are no different. Familiar voices now faded in my mind, come rushing back at the sound of the phone ringing.

I am going to miss my family here very much. No matter what reasons anyone thinks I am moving away, I have no doubt they really understand. I need to get away. No, I have to get away.  Tongue lashings, sad memories, death and trying to heal need to be placed on a shelf marked, task completed. I can’t go on with the rest of my days being reminded. I feel like I deserve a fresh start, even if it is at the age of 60. Discovering I now have Parkinson’s Disease makes me a little scared. I never want to be a burden to anyone but I may need help. This is a major decision I am getting out of my hone and away from these terrible winters.

I realize that some or all of this conversation between you and me may be confusing; but writing for me; it makes me sit just a little bit taller as I continue to try to re-build who I once was. Thank-you for caring for me these past two years you have come to know me my dear friends. Thank-you for seeing the good in me and not judging me.

Sometimes family is not only that of blood, it is those who walked beside me when the air was thick.