Trusting Family Or God

If you think that you can fully trust anyone on earth besides our heavenly Father, I am here to tell you first hand it is not so.

Everyone has a deep secret in their lives that they don’t tell anyone, except maybe their best friend. I have one of those too, but after being sick to my stomach, and feeling the lowest I have felt since my father passed away, I have to write it down, or go crazy. I have had terrible thoughts today, the worst I have ever thought. I don’t want to make any foolish mistakes and hurt my brother or my children.

I will shorten the story and leave out details that will only drag it on.

When Al and my father passed away, my father was involved with a money hungry lady. Soon after they were involved he found out he had leukemia. Immediately, she would tell me behind his back that she wished she would never had met him. This hurt me so bad. This was my father she was talking about, and naturally, no one ask to get ill. I took care of him the whole year he was sick and also had to listen to her cut him down, but I kept quiet, because dad was afraid if anything was said, he would be sent home to die alone. He lived in her house this whole year. I took care of him physically and medically, and she fed him and lent him her home.

For her credit, I will say that she was a lovely woman to look at, but her tongue was wicked, and she always knew what to say to each person to make easy friends.

When dad died, the little bit of family I had left turned their backs on us. They wouldn’t speak at his funeral, and during the funeral there was too much personal talk being said about their personal lives.

I decided to take care of Al after he had his heart attack, and have continued this care for almost five years now with no words or hugs or concerns from the few family members left.

Now that Al feels like his time is almost near to leave this earth, I have already told you of the request that he wanted to visit the cemetery. What I didn’t tell you, was the other part of the request. He wanted the two aunts and our sister to know that he was sick.

This is something I battled with. I knew the anger and hard feelings that had never healed, and yet here was my own brother, wanting his family to know that he was dying, or at least he thinks he is dying. Who am I to judge.

After two  nights of terrible dreams, waking up in sweat, and hardly any sleep, I decided to honor his wishes. I started with our sister. I went to her, and it was awful. She cussed me out, screamed, and basically told me where to go. I told her why I was there,that it was at the request of Al and she said nothing.

You are probably thinking why does she feel this way about you? Why would she be so angry? What did you do to her?

Without getting to technical, it is over money. It has always been over money. Money can tear families apart. Wills can make some people turn into crazy people, and this is what happened here.

Now I have done what he has asked for one person, our sister. I have not had the guts to tell him how it went, so have said nothing yet. I don’t even know if I can continue this to the two aunts.

What hurts so bad for me personally is, no one has offered to help with Al. No one calls on his birthday, no one calls to see how he is doing. Money has come between us all.

Now I have to consider what to do next. Get a hold of the other two? Ignore Al’s request? I don’t know. So when I say that there is only Al and me left of our family, I now know it is not words, it is so.

I will continue to care for my brother for as long as I can. I will love him and protect him and watch over him. God will let me know in some way when he wants me to place him, and so no matter what is said, I will continue on, because he is family, he is my brother.

His Job Is Complete

Matane cemetery (Photo credit: Bête à Bon-Dieu)

Today being Father’s Day my brother asked me to take him to the cemetery. I didn’t want to go, but I knew he deserved to go. Just the mention of Father’s Day places a large lump in my throat, and I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off without breaking up at the cemetery.

I took him out to eat, since he hadn’t been anywhere the entire weekend. Not that I didn’t try, but he just doesn’t feel good. After we ate we went to a local department store and I bought Al straws to drink from. He is having trouble raising his arms far enough to get a glass or pop can high enough to drink from. He has been dribbling most of his drink down his chin from the level being off-balance. I got him some more pain pills and some good-smelling shampoo and body wash. I picked up some flowers for him and for me so we could each place them at the grave. Now we were on our way.

We reached mom and dad’s area, and Al just started bawling right there on the spot. He was crying so hard, he could not even get out of the car. I got out and went to the other side and helped him out. I handed him his flowers, and he went ahead of me. I stayed in the background, giving him his privacy, and when he was finished, I made my way to pay my respects. I wished my daddy a wonderful Father’s Day, and told them both that I loved them and missed them.

Next Al wanted to see grandpa’s site, so we went over to the  next road and I waited while he paid his respect to all family members there. Then we walked back over to mom and dad and Al says to me. I am going to be right next to mom. I said huh?

He doesn’t say anything and turns towards the car. He gets back in and then I go over and get in my side. Before turning the car on, Al looks at me and says, God told me last night that I was going home sooner than he had thought. I asked what do you mean, what did he tell you? He says to me, God asked me if there was anything else I wanted to do before he took me home, and I said I wanted to forgive my dad. As usual, when I can not deal with something, I sit frozen and quiet.

Al tells me that he needed to see mom and dad today. He says that he asked dad to forgive him for anything he did, and then he said dad told me he did and also asked Al for his forgiveness. He then made the skin crawl on me and said to me, mom raised her arm and pointed to the side of her and said this is where you will be, right here with me. I asked, what does that mean? He tells me that he has a spot right there beside mom and that she patted it for him to come.

I don’t know if Al ever knew that he has a spot right beside mom waiting for him, or whether this really happened, but for my own well being, I choose to believe what he is saying. I never question what others say about God, because God shows himself to others in many ways. Al then speaks for the last time, and says God came to  him again at the spot, and says your time is very soon.

We both sat there. I cried because I was already grieving for my brother, and also because I miss my parents so badly. Al cried, because he had done what he needed to do, and now told me he was ready to go. Not home, to heaven.

I started the car, and we drove home in silence, each of us consumed in our own thoughts.