Spider Man Where Are You?

fearDoes fear cause more damage than being alert to the immediate situation? I am thinking that it does to some point. Like a young tree being planted and its delicate roots taking hold and branching out; fear can also branch out in our mind and play havoc at later times.

Last night the fear that I have carried since Al came home would be that he would have one of those internal attacks with me. The second day home he did.

Although I realize that the M.S.A. is responsible for anything that is happening out of the normal for him, it still places the fear in me. It doesn’t help really that I know this could be the last chapters of Al’s life. It doesn’t even really matter that I have not seen this happen not once but now three times, I became afraid for him.

We had a fairly good day yesterday. He was a little crabby but he gets so frustrated. He hates it that he wets himself. He detest that he has to struggle to eat. His foot remained swollen all day and by evening the first signals were given to me.

The terrible sweats. He reminds me of someone who just got out of the shower and hasn’t dried off yet when he sweats. He started complaining about pain in the upper right side of his stomach. Then the number game started. One being the lowest and it rose to five.

I tried three times to put him to bed but he was so weak and my weakness became much more clear when I couldn’t get him in bed. I had to finally call Hospice and they sent help here.

I will be so glad to go to the Day Program tomorrow morning and speak to the manager and get these hours started for help to come in. I have been footing the entire bill since he came home Friday. I have had no help and if you need verification of this; just ask my neck and arms.

The company brought him a transport chair. I like this but the front wheels turn in all directions too often. I end up having to back him up and go forward to just get him over the carpet trim. He gets frustrated and so do I.

So hopefully Spiderspiderman man will save the day starting tomorrow.

The nurse showed up and helped me to put him in bed. She checked him over and called her supervisor. The plan was to give him stronger pain medications and let the internal tremors have their party inside his chest while he slept through it.

But God knew that Al was tired. As soon as we got him comfy he fell asleep within minutes. He did look at the nurse and I could tell  he was trying to tell her thank-you for showing up. She brought him an inner peace and God took care of the rest.


Daily Prompt; S/he Said

The cast of Roseanne. (from top left to top ri...

The cast of Roseanne. (from top left to top right) Glenn Quinn as Mark Healy, Johnny Galecki as David Healy, Martin Mull as Leon Carp, Estelle Parsons as Beverly Harris and Laurie Metcalf as Jackie Harris. (From bottom left to bottom right) Michael Fishman as DJ Conner. Sara Gilbert as Darlene Conner, Roseanne Barr as Roseanne Conner, John Goodman as Dan Conner and Sarah Chalke as Becky Conner. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt, Daily Post

Pause whatever you’re doing, and ask the person nearest you what
they’re thinking about (call someone if you have to). Write a post
based on it.

There was no one to ask so I looked at the TV that was playing noise in the background. It happened to be the Roseanne Show. This episode is about her husband having lunch with an old-time ex girlfriend.

Whoa! I used to be a regular visitor to this show. I would watch and laugh all the way through it. Inside somewhere deep in me I always wished to be like her without the rudeness.

I have a hard time speaking my thoughts when I am standing in front of another human. My goal in my life has always been to show love and kindness without hurting your feelings ever.

To this day I find this is a terrible way to live. To not be able to voice my thoughts in a nice way hurts me in so many ways. For one, I give people the idea that I go along with what they are trying to convince me of. I will give until the one that hurts in the end is always me.

Now I am to the point that I worry about my own future because of fear to speak up for myself. What is wrong with speaking the truth? Why am I afraid that I will lose relationships if I don’t agree with others? Am I really being fair to them or to me?

I do enjoy helping others but there is a line that should not be crossed. For in the end when I am in need I realize that I am on my own. I have gotten better by speaking up more, thanks to many friends here at WP.

But it has also caused issues because I am not the same person that others thought I was. I don’t want to be considered a push over. I don’t want others to think just go  hit her up. Use the right words and you can get what you want.

If I was trading places with Roseanne my words would not be so kind and gentle. My words would not tremble out of my mouth. My hands wouldn’t sweat and the fear of losing friends and family would not enter my mind. My knots in my stomach would be gone.

Roseanne would say, This is the way it is for me. These are my thoughts and mine alone. If you don’t like it tough. If you don’t agree with me, fine. Don’t let the door hit you in the butt as you fly out of my house. I will be  here waiting for you when you cool off and we can continue with our friendship.

Then she would go about her business of running her day and loving her family. She has a way with words. I think she is a little rough around the edges but in all, she does get her ideas across. And let’s face it, she must have done something right, because she was a big hit for several years, she is on syndicated stations every day, and she lives on her own island today. Retired and growing nuts. Her bank account will take care of her until death over takes her.

I Didn’t Understand, So You Taught Me Another Way

Day 46: Inspired by Joyce Meyer

I can’t make sense out of this. I am sitting here in awe, trying to remember everything that Joyce Meyers is saying right now. I was channel surfing and came upon Joyce Meyers. I  usually watch it at 10pm, but right here it is in the afternoon.

I believe it is for me today. God wanted me to  hear it plain and clear. I am just over whelmed. No other words for it than this. The topic is on fear. I am a fearful person. Fearful of disappointing Al, God, my kids, friends, myself, you name it I am fearful, but my term for it has always been insecure.

I am not sure if they are one and the same meanings or not, but in this topic it is talking about people using you, and how you, me, let it happen. She says that I let it happen for fear of rejection, loss of friendship, family relationships etc.

I am listening to this intently, because every word, I  understand so clear. God, did you want me to watch this because you knew in my simple mind, I would make the connection?

I do things for people because I am afraid if I don’t they will leave my life. I let others run me over with a Mack truck, in fear of rejection. I think what got me though, right in the heart, was when she said, people who you let run you, never respect you.

I believe there is a difference in helping people who need it, or trying to be patient as someone tries to climb back up from the bottom. What I am talking about is when people use me over and over and I never stop it!

I am a middle-aged woman, and I should be standing more fearless, knowing God is behind me, beside me, and inside me. The holidays have stressed me out, and they are not even here yet. I worry why I don’t hear from my kids, and I realize they know how to pick up a phone, write an email. If they want to know how I am , they can figure out how to do it.

I am realizing that I am here to watch over and out for my brother, but I am not his keeper. I can not make him better, I can not wish away his illness, and most certainly, I can not let his illness take me down, so that I may take months to rise once again.

I have been ridiculed because I spend so much time on the internet, and now I am thinking, so, what is wrong with this? My house is clean, Al is being taken care of, bills are paid, so what is wrong If I blog more than others. If you don’t want to read my blogs, I know you know how to pass it by, just click DELETE!

Today, I have went back and forth in my mind because I did not feel like getting out of my comfy house coat and getting dressed. It is not proper, but who cares? If you stop by unexpectedly, will I not welcome you in and be my friendly self?

Wow, I don’t want to get all uppity and a know it all, but I am realizing that God wants me to be me for him and myself, not for everyone else. I am who I am. Thank you God for making me different! Thank you for giving me permission to do for me, sometimes, and not being ashamed. Thank you for leading me to this show today, because you have been trying to tell me, and I was not seeing or understanding, and you knew that I would get it, by watching at this precise moment.