I saw these things on my Facebook, so had to share with you.
I almost peed my pants reading this. !!!!
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship.
I saw these things on my Facebook, so had to share with you.
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30” she said
proudly. “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good”, said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next.”I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Debbie”,said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467”, he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes”, said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes”, echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make so much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town”, said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip
& Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
“They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog poop’!”
“Then I would say, ‘It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’ I used the
President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks
good, telling you it’s free and then making you pay to get the bad taste
out of your mouth.”
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
Best Presidential Joke of the Year
President Obama walked into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”
Cashier:
“It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?”
Obama:
“Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!”
Cashier:
“Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd /Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.
Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier:
“I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Obama:
“I order you to cash this check!”
Cashier:
“Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing. I don’t have a clue what to do.
Cashier:
“Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
Subject: Fw: Honesty and where it will get you” this will make you smile<<
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…
I was sitting a spell after fixing Al breakfast and getting him washed up and dressed this morning. Sipping on my cold coffee and thinking about nothing really. I live in the country and therefore I have many visits from flies.
I have a fly trap that I hang in the kitchen. Of course a way from any cooking. They are so ugly but they are cheap and work pretty good.
I was watching a couple of flies buzzing around and then suddenly I was able to see one approach the sticky paper.
I knew they worked as I could see the evidence, but I had never seen one in action.
The fly got too close and landed on it. As I watched the movie of glue verses fly, I felt for an instant a sadness as I knew the outcome of this innocent fly. All he was doing was looking for something to eat.
I have a strict policy in my house; no living bugs, flies, snakes or anything that crawls, flies or slithers.
I watched as his wings sped up trying to rescue himself but to no avail. He was trapped and his life was racing before him as he knew it was useless to keep going.
I thought about how we live our lives. We get up in the mornings. We smile and give thanks for a brand new day. A chance to renew ourselves, to make a difference in our life. We give thanks for being allowed to take new breaths today. We ask God to help us be good people and to treat everyone we meet with an understanding and plenty of love. But then we run into a snag somewhere throughout our day. Do we freak or do we ask for help?
Have you ever felt like you were that fly running into the sticky paper? Have you known that you were running out of choices, that maybe you need help or can’t seem to turn things around?
Whether it be a broken relationship, or a sorrowful heart from loss of a loved one, drugs or alcohol, or maybe an addictive habit, we don’t have to remain on that sticky paper. We have choices, unlike the fly.
We can ask God right there in our frozen spot to help us. We can say through tears that we are out of control, that we feel like we have no more choices, and God will hear. I have been tested and prodded many, many times in my own life.
I have tried to fix what is broken but I remain stuck to the fly trap of life. God has never changed. He is the same yesterday and tomorrow. He is waiting with open arms. He loves us. He is waiting for us to call out to him.
As soon as you cry out God’s name, he goes to work. He has our answers and he will rescue us in his perfect timing. He will bless us so much more than we could ever dream of. We are released from the sticky papers of life.
Once you get the taste of God in your heart and soul you will never want to turn back. You will fly towards the sticky paper but you will be saved by the grace of God. Your life will be changed for the better. Flowers smell stronger. The sun will shine brighter. Life is good when you realize that we are never ever alone as long as God is walking beside you.
This home stands abandoned now. Left with rooms filled with whispers of laughter and love from its prior guests. I walked in the front door and sat down in one of the wooden rockers. It squeaked against the old wooden floors. I could remember coming here when I was a child. Hearing the stories of how children had been born and raised here. There were summer reunions held here. All family members made a special trip to this house and they had a feast of many great foods. The children would swim, and fish, and would venture into nature and look for bugs and insects. I could remember finding a rare bug, and taking it to show grandpa. He said it was the most beautiful bug he had ever seen. He took one of his old boxes and went to his wife’s sewing box and pulled out a straight pin, and he pinned the bug for me. I kept this in my special place in my bedroom among the other memories I had collected through the years. There had been weddings here, and funeral dinners held here. It was a home-built with love by my great grandma and grandpa. I stopped rocking and sat very still. I could hear giggles coming from the kitchen, where children had helped bake home-made cookies. I scooted my rocker around so it was facing the big living room. The furniture was still in its place, but covered with sheets. I could picture grandpa standing over grandma with a twig of mistletoe at Christmas, and I remember giggling as I stole a peek of them kissing. Lots of memories here. A home filled with love, now standing empty. I placed the rocker back in its original place and placed the sheet over it, to protect the memories and never let them escape. I walked out of the house and shut the door softly, singing to myself.
This story was written by me for a post of Picture It And Write It
http://ermiliablog.wordpress.com/2012/05/27/__picture-it-write-28/
Who I am 