Hi my friends. Today was a little different from other days. Al woke up after a restless night. He seemed alright but soon after broke into an ocean of tears. This went on for over two hours. He was asking for forgiveness, I don’t know why. He was naming off relatives, phone numbers, old jobs.
It was like he was revisiting a movie of his own life. He sobbed harder than I have ever seen him. It scared me, I couldn’t help it. I had never seen him like this before. I called the minister from Hospice and he paid a visit.
Whenever this minister, Bob, comes Al calms down, and once again this happened. Ever since the minister left Al seems to have accepted his own death nearing. I was told that Al is in the process of dying, what ever that means.
Al asked for different people. He started off by asking for my son, who came to see him. The two relatives in our lives that although I have forgiven, still make me very sensitive when I hear their names.
But Al was adamant about speaking to them. I finally gave in for Al’s peace of mind. I located the phone number in Florida and will make that phone call in the morning. The other relative I called tonight and Al was able to speak to her over the phone. The aunt is also paying a visit to Al within the next two days.
Al cried like a baby upon hearing her voice. After the phone call ended he told me that this was his last request. I feel it is nearing, a gut feeling I have. Changes have happened. Al’s tremors have ended.
His eye lids no longer work. The MSA has taken the eye lid muscle and weakened it. He can open them in the mornings but by afternoon he can no longer do this. He has told me how much he loves me and Rhino.
He has made many comments about how I will be after he is gone and I have answered him as honestly as I can, letting him know I will be alright. It is as if he is saying goodbye. His breathing has changed. He struggles and his swallowing has been effected. I can see that he is struggling to swallow anything.
I pray with all my heart that he is taken soon. My heart will break into pieces. I will miss him terribly, but he will be out of pain. He keeps telling me his arms are glued down, but the truth is, the brain is not telling the arms to move so they seemed locked along with his body contracting.
The only person he has been asking for is our half-sister. Although I have pleaded with her to come see him, I can not make her do it. I had to tell Al that I am so sorry but I just can’t make this request happen.
I told Al he is the best brother I could have ever asked for and I told him how proud I am for all he has done in his life. I thanked him for being my good friend and for going to all the auctions and flea markets and out to eat.
He held my hand and began struggling with breathing again. I quit talking as I didn’t want to get him upset. Al has never been able to accept that he is a good man, but I had to tell him. I sat with him until he finally drifted off to sleep.
Tomorrow I have foods to make and I have ignored the house so much. The Hospice nurse will be here also and my one daughter-in-law will be stopping by. Christmas Day my son and his family will be here for the noon meal and our Aunt will be paying Al a visit. Thursday my daughter will be arriving sometime in the day and the caregiver will once again return.
I miss Stacy already. She is a big help to me and to Al, but she deserves off her holiday also. So I will be busy, too busy for my taste. Al is the priority, the foods and holiday will work around him. I will do my best to touch base tomorrow night. Hugs to all of you.
Daily Prompt; Are You Being Served?
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What’s the most…
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What’s the most dreadful (or wonderful) experience you’ve ever had as a customer?
Photographers, artists, poets: show us SERVICE.
I live in the state of Indiana.
I live fairly close to this area on the map. Cold, and big snow belt area in the winter. Hot and humid in the summer. I hate cold and the older I get it hurts my Diabetic feet more and more. And my joints, let’s not even go in that area. It would be a whole other post.
My brother and I, after the last of our parents passed needed a break. So we moved to the sunshine state.
I spent many days here shopping for antiques and unique items. It is a beautiful areas, Sarasota, Florida, but the heat in the summer, oh what a beast. If Al and I didn’t have our errands and running around through the week days by 10am, it was put off until the next day. We moved back to Indiana because Al became ill with M.S.A. I also missed my children and had some issues that I could not fix with outer family members.
When we came back I had to once again get my driver’s license.
Al and I went on a sunny, fall day. I had my birth certificate, my social security card and my Florida license with me. We walked into familiar territory. I told the lady what I was here for and she took my information from me. After studying and I think memorizing, lol, she handed it back and said she needed more information.
Let’s see, if I remember right, she needed mail that showed my new address.
She also required both of my marriage certificates, divorce certificates,
and of course auto insurance papers.
I wasn’t happy as Al and I had many things to do with just moving back, but I smiled and we left for home for the hunt of paper work.
I had to go to another county in order to get some of my needed papers. Was the license branch going to reimburse me for my gas?
It took a day to get it all together and we went back once again to get the license. This time I had done what I had previously and gave her all my paper work. I also gave her the numbers to my auto insurance policy.
She handed it back to me. She told me she had to see the complete policy. I was snorting by then. I was looking back at Al sitting on the benches and he was getting stressed because he saw I was.
This lady wasn’t one of the few who smile at this office. I can say this because this county is known for the least smiling representatives.
I stormed out to my car and brought in the paper work I keep tucked in my glove box, you know, just in case I would ever get stopped by the police. I handed it to her and I couldn’t help but ask, ” Why in the world do you need my life history? This is insane? What does my marriage and divorces have to do with getting my license?”
She looked up at me and actually smiled like the cat who caught the mouse. ” Because my dear, this state wants to verify that you are not an alien.”
I started laughing and I commented, ” Look at my ears. See my eyes bugging out?”
She and I both laughed and she said so matter of fact. ” Sorry honey, it’s not my rules, it’s the States”
Al and I walked out after my encounter with the outer space quarters with my new driver’s license in hand.
Big Bitch Session I Have Given
This morning Al was teary-eyed again. I couldn’t take it. A Saturday when I knew he would do this…
This morning Al was teary-eyed again. I couldn’t take it. A Saturday when I knew he would do this off and on all day. I didn’t want to be sad, so I got to thinking, what can we do.
Bingo, not too much pain so let’s go out. I asked him if he wanted to eat lunch out and he didn’t say anything. I ask him if he wanted to go to Wal-Mart after we ate lunch and look at cars and then he said yes and smiled at me.
So clean face and hands, clean brief, placed him in his wheelchair, got my basket of needed supplies and off we went, just like Little Red Riding Hood.
We ate at a burger joint that Al picked out. He did real good, considering, but he was more worried about people seeing him spill food and his tremors. I told him to forget them and just keep his eyes on me. I would make him forget the strangers.
We ate, by now no matter what we eat or where we eat, it takes Al about forty-five minutes to eat. After I was done I people-watched. Cleaning him up and loading him and the wheelchair back in-car we headed for the junk store, Wal-Mart. Well I guess not junk store, that is sort of crappy term, but this store has changed. They took out American products and brought cheap stuff in for same prices.
So I got my bag of wintergreen lifesavers. I am so addicted to them. I must have one for each cup of coffee I drink. I just love the combo. Then we went to the toy section. Al picked out a new police car. It is pretty cool if I do say so myself. Oh he was so proud. He held it like a new-born baby.
We left that department and went down to look at these razors I was told about. Someone had told me they sell battery operated disposable razors. I looked at them. They were a little pricy, but my friend said they last a long time and work well. I thought, what the heck, I can only be burnt once, so I bought one.
We were just getting ready to leave that aisle when we ran into an aunt we hadn’t seen for almost six years. She was on one of those electric scooters. I saw her coming and she nodded to Al and then went on by.
My body started shaking. This time I was not letting any of this family get by with their rude shit. I stood in my place and yelled at her as she was getting ready to turn the curve.
“Aren’t you even going to say hello to Al? When is the last time you saw or spoke to him, maybe six years ago?”
She said nothing and went on around the next aisle and then came back. She said, “Hi Al, I wish Jeff wasn’t asleep in the car while I am in here. He would probably want to say hi to Al.”
What? She is speaking to me? She is supposed to be speaking to Al. He is the sick one.
Then she says, “I saw a picture of you Al from Joan.”
Joan is our old neighbor that helped that day I took Al to the fair and needed help getting his brief changed because of small doorways. After she helped she wanted to take a photo of Al. She asked him and he said alright.
I asked,” Is that all you’re going to say to him? You may want to talk to him for more than a few seconds. Your chances are running pretty low.”
“Yes, I heard he is real sick.”
She turns her key back on and starts to leave. As she is moving a way, she says, “well, maybe”
That was it. She was gone out of sight. She didn’t even hang around to complete her sentence.
I was so pissed. I have every right to be upset. I give myself that pat on the back for not stomping my feet, crying and running up to her and shaking the hell out of her asking, “what the hell is wrong with you?”
Of course I know what is wrong. She is still friends with the mean woman who dated my Dad when he was dying. My aunt chose to believe anything or everything that this mean old bag chose to say over her very own family members.
If you have no clue as to what I am talking about, go to my Al’s Parkinson’s Journey and read the chapters. It will explain everything to date.
I thought I was being so cool but Al said, “it’s ok sis, at least she said hi” and then he started crying.
That aunt ruined our whole trip. I was even more fuming. How dare her ignore her sick family member. Forget me, although she has hurt me terribly as the aunt in Florida and the Aunt in Indiana, I will survive. I have been hurt plenty.
This whole things stems from one thing. My Dad told everyone in his family and friends circle that when he died the Will was set up a certain way. Well without going into legal and personal details, Dad didn’t word it correctly and there were a lot of gaps.
I wasn’t going to go explain personal business to anyone. The lawyer and the courts figured it all out and I have Al in my care. Enough said I guess, but what ever happened to support from families?
Is it wrong to accept that life is what it is and not everything turns out the way it was planned? For me, I was the biggest winner of all. I have Al in my care. He is not in a State confinement nor a nursing home. He is with me.
I guess I may or may not have made an ass of myself here at WP, but I get really sick of people, especially family, who think they know it all, and yet know nothing, and they ignore us, Dad’s children. Some day Al will be gone. And who ever shows up at his funeral will be the ones who cared. And who ever does not, the hell with them. I can totally understand why Al spends some evenings crying about no one being at his funeral.
The cards keep coming in for Al. He is being shown that people care. We don’t receive any cards from family, so I tell Al that these cards come from extended family, people who love and pray for him.
If anyone else wants to send a card to him, please email me at
tellmenolies20042yahoo.com
for his address.
Al is in pain now. I think the trip was a little long and the mishap with the Aunt upset him. We are home now naturally, and I gave him some pain medication for his legs. He is now napping. I hope he is having good dreams.
Daily Prompt; Everything Changes
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Walkingdown the street, you encounter a folded…
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Walking down the street, you encounter a folded piece of paper on the sidewalk. You pick it up and read it and immediately, your life has changed. Describe this experience.
Photographers, artists, poets: show us TRANSFORMATION.
He slept in boxes. He slept under the bridges. He slept where ever his body found comfort once the sun set.
He had once been a prosperous man residing in the hot spots of Florida. He had built shells of houses and sold them to people barely out of the danger zone of bankruptcy. His ideal goal was that he charged enough in payments that in no time at all he had gained not only the up-front cost but the house back.
He would repeat this business to one after another. His pockets heavy his checkbook fat he was living high on the hog. He had a sailing yacht. He owned two homes. One in his home town and one by the edge of the ocean.
Drink and friends could be seen anytime of the day or night. He had made millions and even had made the cover of a national magazine. But when one does things for the wrong reasons, it is almost guaranteed life will stop and come and bite you in the rear.
And this did happen. A police family under disguise portrayed the perfect family for purchasing one of his properties. A couple of weeks after entering the home the legal system had everything they required to bust the sales man.
In no time at all the savoy business man lost it all. His homes became foreclosed. His checkbook became skinny. His pockets folded inside out. Friends deserted him, drinks went dry.
As the companies came to clean out his house he sat at his dining table and wept in to his hands. Soon there was a tap on his shoulder. They needed him to move as they were confiscating this table also.
Soon there was silence. Birds could be heard singing outside the windows. Children could be seen heading to school. He picked up his last luggage and opening the door stepped outside and closed the door gently behind him.
Not knowing where he was going his feet stepped one in front of the other. By nightfall nothing had changed and he had a taste of his first real home in a box. He had earned it. It was fully his, and it was paid for.
Sleep came with difficulty. He laid in his blanket-made bed and watched others standing over canisters of heat. Warming their fingers as fall was beginning to enter. As his eyes closed he was having visions of the people he had frauded. All night, each night haunting dreams of people holding their arms out, begging for mercy. Asking for their doors to be once again opened.
In the mornings he rubbed his eyes as tears had filled the pockets and grief over took him. Each morning he walked and hunted for food like a caveman looking for his family. Walking the streets, the only visitors were his own shadows in store front windows, he was lonely, down and out.
The first snow had fallen and he had rummaged through a dumpster and found a ragged blanket. Pulling the cover closer to his nose, he began to weep. He looked towards the heavens and pleaded for forgiveness. He admitted he was wrong. He needed to have one more chance to prove that he was worthy of living.
The next morning he was walking his routine streets and he saw a folded piece of paper. He looked around to see if someone had just dropped it. Seeing no one reaching for it, he leaned down, weary and tired, bloodshot eyes and picked it up.
Fingers fumbled as he walked over to the metal sidewalk bench and sat down. He opened it up and saw one simple sentence. Very few words but with great meaning. He looked up to the skies and the first genuine smile crossed his face. He looked down once again to read the words, you have been forgiven.
I was so busy today. Two doctor’s appointments, one for Al and one for me. Running errands for Al here and there. I am beat. Another reason I am beat is for the last two nights Al has slept for about five hours each night.
I want to apologize for not doing what I enjoy and commenting and liking your posts today. I just can’t do it. I am too exhausted and am praying for an early sleep.
Last night Al was having a rough night. Not with the illness itself, but with the mental part of understanding of his illness.
He evidently had been pondering on his funeral. He was asking me questions and I was answering the best I could. Then he started crying and was actually getting upset. He started getting mad at our Aunt in Florida and our half-sister.
The conversation went pretty much like this.
” This illness is going to take my life and no one cares. I fight and fight and I can’t get it to go a way. One of these days I am going to lay in a casket. Who is going to be at my funeral? I bet Aunt Mary won’t be there. She don’t like me. She wouldn’t come see me when we were in Florida. She never sends you letters through your computer. She never calls me. She don’t like me. I bet she don’t even remember who I am. Do you think Julie will come? Julie doesn’t care about me either. You told her I was sick and she doesn’t come see me. Do you think she will be at my funeral?”
This is a good part of the conversation I heard last night. He was really crying and I think he really wishes his aunt and sister would come to his funeral. He told me no one would be there but me.
I told him all of us would be there. I told him everyone from his old work place would be there and his church. I told him that it would be one of the biggest funerals I have ever been too.
I don’t know what or 
will be there, but I do know when I told him it would be a big funeral and so many there would be just for him, he seemed to settle a little. The tears went from gushing to a slow stream.
Al must be doing a lot of thinking. It feels strange because he is having good days again but yet his mind is on his death.
Who I am 