Although work seems not to come

I can still fill up my space

By using my understanding

With what God hath given me, grace.


I can watch and listen well

To the sounds of the awards

See the hearts that bare their souls

You can see  I am not bored.


I don’t have to be front and center

I don’t have to hear your voice

I can see in the reactions

Stand with you and rejoice.


For all those who are suffering

From things such as MSA

For all those dressed in glitter

I know God sees your face.


For you may feel alone

When your name has not been called

When you cry out to the heavens

You feel shoved against the wall.


I am nothing more than you

And perhaps you don’t know my name

But I know our paths have crossed

Making me proud we breathe this space.


So whether you are dressed in glamour

Or sitting home in tears

God has placed you in this moment

So you may know your friends are near.


Written by,

Terry Shepherd










Going Away Party

Tonight my friends and I met at Pizza Hut for a going away  party for me. We had a good time. Lots of laughter and chatting. The waitress spilled one of my friend’s drinks and we all even laughed over this; although I am sure that ice-cold pop in a warm lap didn’t feel the best. When we parted ways there was a lot of hugging but no tears. I never say goodbye. I always say, talk to you later. It makes it easier on my heart. Here are the photos that I took of all of us. I will miss them so much but they will remain in my heart. Just think, because of Al’s terrible illness I met all these nice ladies. God always makes something good with a bad situation and he proved this with this group of ladies.

partyparty 2party 3party 4party 5party 6party 7party 8party 9

A Quote Made Me Look At Myself

don't give upThis came across my Facebook this morning and I stared it at for a while. I thought about how I come across to people. Do I make you happy or sad? Do I upset you by my words?

I have always been the type of person who doesn’t like to hurt anyone if at all possible. This has side-effects though. It can cause me to be backed in corners I don’t want to be in. It can make me say yes when I really want to say no.

I have been working on trying to stand up more on my feet and think about me. I hate that in a way though. My mom always taught me to think of others first and myself last, so this is a hard habit to break.

I have written many poems on here, shared music that I love. I have whined and cried out to you while dealing with my brother’s illness. I have been a very needy gal this past year. Even today, I still need encouragement to go forward. You have taught me to remember the good memories. You have shown me that I am worthy of stating how I feel about various things.

I was thinking of all this and then I stopped as I thought; have I helped anyone else or has it all been about me? I hope that somehow I have made a difference in a life somewhere out there. I hope that maybe one story I wrote saved someone from a sad day. I don’t know if I did or not.

I just want to say so many of you have been here for me. I pray that I have been there for you at one point or another and I didn’t make you feel unimportant as I value your input and friendships very much.

night flower 4

I Have an Itch

I Have an Itch

I have had what my family has called The Itch.

This means I am restless. Yes, AJ keeps me company, and speaking of my dog, he was overly excited to see me this morning. Remember I told you he was going into the vet for the male snip? I hoped when I picked him up he wasn’t showing me his fangs for allowing this to happen. No, he was jumping up and down, and heading for the door, letting me know he…

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I Have an Itch

I have had what my family has called The Itch.

This means I am restless. Yes, AJ keeps me company, and speaking of my dog, he was overly excited to see me this morning. Remember I told you he was going into the vet for the male snip? I hoped when I picked him up he wasn’t showing me his fangs for allowing this to happen. No, he was jumping up and down, and heading for the door, letting me know he wanted to go home.

No, I am still restless. I have cared for Al for seven years, and although we moved to Florida for a time, there were still responsibilities. Now, in between jobs I would love to do something for a couple of days.

I don’t have anyone to do fun things like this with. The first and only person I asked if she had some free time was my daughter, but I already knew the answer, and I was right, she said no.

I don’t even know what I would want to do, but I dream and to me, I dream big. Staying for a few days in a cabin, surrounded by peace and quiet.log cabin Or maybe a first-class motel where I am the star for the day.waldorf

I don’t have much money, so I can’t think of long-term, such as a week or two, but I can dream big for a few days.

I wish I could get my friends from FB and here at blog world all together for a one day of fabulous eating and chatting. That would be ultra-magnificent in my eyes.

I don’t enjoy back rubs but a day of pampering in a small, unique spa would interest

Even a day close to home with spending the night in a near-by motel, shopping and laughing with someone sounds fun and exciting to me.

I don’t know, maybe this itch will go away, maybe it won’t. One of these days I will be back at work again. I just hope and dream someone comes along and relieves my itch.


Life is Not Cut and Dried

Today, there were issues with Al’s catheter. I asked the nurse to come out and help me, which she did. After taking his vitals the only change she saw in him is his pulse, or heart beat.

For Al, he has had a heart attack along with Angina. He also has tremors on the inside of his chest wall lining. His heart is probably the weakest of all his organs.

Al doesn’t give the regular cues that doctors and nurses look for in a dying patient. MSA constantly keeps people confused and feeling like they are water skiing or big waves. Yesterday, the nurse said Al was worse. Today she said it could be hours, days or maybe weeks.

All the nurses believe Al is worse. Even I believe he is declining by the day. He has lost so much weight I can see very clearly his hip bones, shoulder bones, his jaw lines. Just about any bone visible to his eye.

But when the nurses come and they check his vitals, they go mainly on what those are for that day. Instead of saying he is an hour to hour, she now said days. I let out a sigh, then instantly felt guilt.

I don’t want my brother to go at all, if, he was in a healthy state. But the daily task of taking care of a person who may follow with his eyes, your body walk through his room or a once in a while whisper is very tiring.

You can pick up Al’s arms and they are like a bowl of jello. His legs are heavier than all get out because they are totally limp. When the body becomes limp it actually feels heavier than ever.

Turning him from side to side is a huge issue and takes a great deal of strength.  He takes liquids through a syringe and is down to about a half a syringe per drink. Food and drink are held at bay and not given unless Al request it. The reason being everything that goes into  his mouth goes directly to his lungs. Aspiration is the worst way to die, and believe me not feeding him as usual makes me feel like a monster. Keeping food and water from him makes me feel terrible.

But I have seen someone aspirate to death and it is an ugly sight to see and for this reason alone, I will obey the nurse for Al’s sake.

When the nurse said maybe days, maybe hours, I just fell apart. I suddenly heard myself telling my girlfriend to go home. Oh I don’t really want her to go home, but I realize she has a husband, dog and grandchildren, plus the comfort of her own bed at night. She has her crafts and friends.

How could I keep her constantly here when there is no real ending in sight. She fought it emotionally for a while but I convinced her to take the break from here. I love her enough to send her home so she can take that break a way from the hell here in this house.

Al’s doctors believe 100% that Al’s heart will just quit. If I have some sort of notice I will make a phone call to my friend, and she will return without hesitation. This is the gift of friendship. I know that nightly she will call. I know she will always be here. We have an understanding of each other. Over 30 years of friendship has built a rock of foundation between the two of us.

So the house is quiet today since she left. The caregiver didn’t show up today so it is Al and me. I am still taking my medication. I am cleaning here at home. I have a window open for the first time to air out the house since it is almost 40 degrees outside. I have enjoyed watching the icicles fall from other homes, and seeing the snow melt from house roofs. It is a sure hint that this winter too shall  pass and once again flowers will pop and bloom and green grass shall show itself once again.

New life will once again breathe and hope will be strengthened in our hearts. For today, I am strong. Today, I have hope for a new life for Al and myself. Tonight or tomorrow may bring a different story as MSA shows it ugly self in so many ways.

Life is not cut and dried. I have learned this through my own experiences and watching this illness take over Al, but for now, I am calm.

flower blooming

Field of Flowers Award

field-of-flowers-award has nominated me for this colorful award. I so wish I was looking outside my window and seeing this.


Khana represents Seeking Truth, Sharing Light, Staying Free. Also

Artist –  Photographer – Author – Poet

Thank-you very much for this award.


Rules :

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you
  • Place the award on your blog
  • Nominate 7 other bloggers and write a little something about why you would give these bloggers a “Field Of Flowers
  • Let your nominees know that you nominated them

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