Figuring It Out
Maybe, I know for me I have one vision that I dream about and one that just pops into my head when ever it feels like. One of them I know it is very possible that I saw this area in my year in Germany. The other vision I am not sure if I lived it or I wished it.
The one I think about often only comes to me in my dreams. A red-circle, brick walking path. I always see the same dream each time. A cement round bench with a big shade tree in the middle.
I always vision Germans walking and riding their bikes. Sunny days with my first-born in her over-sized carriage sitting on the bench smiling and enjoying my view. I don’t actually remember this place in my waking hours. I don’t ever remember being a way from my husband long enough to have that much time to myself.
I can remember taking her for many walks, strolling the store fronts, a time of peace and happy times. Oh don’t get me wrong, I loved my husband very much. He was in the military and in the warm months I took her on many walks; but being by myself and not doing for others was always a joy I cherished.
The other vision I have but, usually in my waking hours is the little white house with the picket fence. It looks pretty much like this photo I borrowed from the internet.
I can’t imagine I ever got to live in something this nice and adorable with the kind of life I had as a very young child. I have a sneaky feeling that the child in me wishes that I had lived that simple life.
My parents were young when I was born. Being young doesn’t make a good mix for remaining married and this was my case. Parental kidnapping and divorce, fights and too much of the bottle makes me believe that house never existed.
I don’t sit and ponder on this, but just like today I was sitting here eating my breakfast. Prior to that I was feeding Al and changing his bedding, bathing him and brushing my teeth. I can remember thinking I wish I could eat my breakfast too.
When I made my breakfast and was sitting here at the computer with Hallmark Christmas movies on, and eating my eggs and toast, the little white house appeared in my mind once again.
I decided I needed to figure out what it was that brought that image back again and again. Now that I look back at my words I have some fuzzy ideas. It must have something to do with that vision of Germany. A mixture of a happy childhood, comfort of a home with happy faces all around. It makes sense.
But accepting what happened as a child and letting the visions drop seems to be another issue. I realize also that when I face these visions I find myself with tears of sadness. I guess for what once never was, and hoping it did exist.
I didn’t ask to be born or taken from my home. The only time I got to decide and make choices for me alone was when I moved out from the family home. When we are young we see so many scenes in different views.
When we get older we get to go back. With age and habitual living we sometimes have regrets. For me I have regrets of a life I had no choices to make. I do see the positive though in my past life.
I worked much harder at letting my children see that I loved them. Telling them how I feel about them is high on my priority list. Spending time on the phone or in person is so important to me.
So I think in the end, a little tidbit of more information is these thoughts, visions and dreams come when I am feeling the most alone.
Alright, now that I have figured a little more of me out, what do I do with this new information? I don’t know yet.
Epidermis Bucket List
I have never made a post like I am about to do. This post is all about me. I am not adding my…
I have never made a post like I am about to do. This post is all about me. I am not adding my views, my tears nor laughter.
I get a little edgy when I think of how old I am becoming. Not that I can stop it of course, but thinking more on the lines of what else can I do or what do I still want in life. This is not a greedy post either. It is just plain and simple. If there is a way to complete I would like to.
I guess I will call it my Epidermis Bucket List. You can tell by the title that these are not life or death needs, but things that bring me joy. So here goes my list.
I would have a 1955 Chevy just for fun drives.
I would like to visit Germany one more time.
Well that is quite a list. But you know what? It let my mind release and dream. Dream big you might say. Most of this will never happen, but I can dream.
I don’t know what is in store for me down the road, but it makes me want to keep living and maybe later on I will add more to this list.
Hey, this was fun and therapeutic.
Weekly Photo Challenge, Theme of the Week
This is where my husband was stationed and worked when we lived in Germany. Picture of…
My husband and I drove by this castle many times.
This is a small video of where my daughter was born in Bad Cannstatt, Germany.
Today you have been granted the opportunity to go anywhere, do anything, meet anyone, travel in time…whatever you wish, it is yours. Now, there’s a catch. (Isn’t there always?) When you wake up tomorrow… you will not remember any of it.
I left my cares behind. On my back was a backpack filled with necessities. In my pockets were monies I had stashed a way for a rainy day. Dressed in jeans for hiking and good boots, my black-felted cowgirl hat, and a cotton blouse I was going nowhere.
Al was in the care at the Hospice house and Rhino was being fed by the neighbor. I had two weeks that Al could be safely out of my sight and I decided I was going to take advantage of every moment I could.
The skies were endless and my dreams rode the horizons. Fresh air filling my nostrils, the blue in my eyes straining to see all life had in front of me. My lungs filling with new life. I was free, yes totally free.
I had only walked about a mile when a Fairy Princess I had once dreamed about as a child appeared. She waved her beautiful, sparkling wand and presented me with a fine blue feather. She nodded towards it smiling and with her eyes told me to sit upon the carrier named Blue.
Not questioning anything I did as she prompted. The delicacy was strong enough to hold me and all that I carried. When I looked back to thank her she was gone. I smiled and within seconds my new seat lifted me above the tallest green trees. I was floating over my home I had just left.
I did not need a guide because the yearnings I carried in my heart were transferred into my golden carriage. We drifted slowly higher and I saw my parents home. Tears started to fall and as if magic the feather handed me a blue handkerchief. The edges were laced in pale blue. The core of it in the color of virgin white.
I wiped my tears and we darted higher and as we traveled it seemed like only minutes but I knew it had been much longer. For the next city I saw was one that I had lived in many years ago in Germany. Oh what beauty. Blue took me over the house that I had once lived in as a newlywed. Beautiful smiles crossed my face as I remembered all the special moments we had shared.
I photographed every detail perfectly in my mind as we hovered over the city. It was exhilarating. No one could interrupt me. I was free to react in any way that felt good. No judging, no tears, pure splendor is what I felt at this moment. My heart was higher than the tallest mountains.
We left there and soon I found myself in the front yard of my daughter’s home. I started crying and no handkerchief could control these happy and joyful tears. I miss my daughter very much. She doesn’t live near me any longer but my mind thinks of her often. Oh how I miss her, and now here I am.
Blue lowered me to the ground and I could see my daughter peering through the front window. She saw me walking up to her front door and she ran out to greet me. We hugged each other like we had never hugged. She roughed up my hair and I tousled hers. Arm in arm we walked into her home. Neither of us shut up for one second. We talked until I was signaled it was time to move on. We cried for the parting of each other but promised to not wait so long to see each other the next time.
I sat back on my familiar Blue and off we went into the skies once again. We went higher and higher. I wasn’t afraid but I was questioning in my mind where we were going. At long last I was placed in front of two golden doors. I wasn’t allowed in and this time Blue didn’t disappear.
There was a fine mist that made me keep blinking but when my eyes adjusted there on the outside of the golden gates stood my entire family. Oh Mom, oh Dad, how I have missed you. Running into their arms. Once again feeling the sureness that I was so familiar with. Seeing my Dad’s smile and Mom’s beautiful face almost made me faint.
But I dare not or I would miss each precious moment. Behind my parents were other family members. Aunts, Uncles, cousins. Everyone was there and for a brief moment I remembered love. Love for people, family and a safe haven where I knew I belonged.
Blue motioned for me that it was time to go. I clung to my parents not wanting to ever let go, but I had to. This was not for me to decide. This was my inner self expressing needs and desires that had been hidden too deeply to surface for so long.
Mom and Dad waved goodbye to me. Their eyes smiled at me and I could make out their lips saying they would see me soon.
I felt like I was ten years old again. Life was all anew. There was no sickness around me. There was no divorce nor pain. I was swinging high in a school yard swing. Kicking my feet back and forth begging to go higher. I never wanted this to stop.
Blue took me to the house I lived in when I was a child. He took me over the playground I used to play in as a child. I could see my life flowing before me. Month after month, year after year I revisited.
I wasn’t ready for the ride to stop but as I neared the familiar sights of my own home I was able to see my two sons. They were waving at me. They were mouthing words of You Go Girl. All my grandchildren were standing with them. They were screaming, hi Grandma.
They were jumping up and down as they tried so desperately to reach up to me and grab my hand. If I could have I would have reached down and picked each one up and take them with me, but alas this ride was for no one other than my inner being.
Soon I was brought down to solid ground. I was dropped off in the exact same spot as I was lifted from. I looked around to see if my fairy Princess was here but there was no one. It was just me standing in my own shadow, remembering all I had just experienced.
I had the time of my life. Everything I had ever dreamed about I had experienced. My mind was full of contentment and sweet memories. Blue had vanished and I turned towards my house and walked home. As I entered the front door I noticed nothing had changed. Everything was just how I had left it.
My Brother’s Life Journey Chapter 8
Al never did move a way from the family home again. I think Mom had just had enough. Him being so…
Al never did move a way from the family home again. I think Mom had just had enough. Him being so homesick and then the nasty movie he was watching. I felt Mom believed he was better off at home with her watching over him and keeping him in a good church.
By now I was back from Germany and my husband and I and our daughter had rented a small home about a mile or two from my parents. It was out in the country and I loved it, but I loved more that I was close to Mom and Dad.
Life went about the same for several more years. People got sick and healed. There were birthday celebrations and the holidays. Mom used to make Al and me an angel food cake. She would use this frosting recipe called Seven Minute Frosting.
1 1/2 cups
1 1/2 teaspoons
light corn syrup
We kids loved this frosting. The first day you ate it, it was so light and fluffy. Mom would tint it blue for Al and pink for me. With the size of an angel food slice and all that heaping frosting it was a kids delight. She also added those candy decorations on top. Remember those? They came on a piece of white paper that you wet the back and then the candies came off. They had letters and flowers and candle holders. When you are a kid biting down on those crunchy candies was so much fun.
Christmas was so much fun. Al got trains for Christmas to help him get over his fear. I got baby dolls. I remember getting a Baby Thumbelina one year and another year I received Chatty Cathy.
Mom and Dad loved buying us gifts at Christmas. Dad got the biggest kick out of watching us open our gifts. He loved to Christmas shop. Our special gifts were always unwrapped under the tree and I can still see Al and I racing to the tree to pick up Santa’s big gift.
One year Al and I opened a home-made marble game. Al was fascinated by it much more than me. He would spend hours and hours dropping the marbles down the maze of zig-zag shaped slots. All the marbles would eventually end up in the bottom in a flat tray. Then he would do it over and over.
We always spent the holiday with all of our family. Then through the year as the family got smaller we started going to Mom and Dad’s on Christmas Eve. By now I had my own family and we always enjoyed her home-made lasagna and home-made candies.
Then when it was all over my family would go home and put our kids to bed. After they were asleep we would finish doing their gifts for the next morning.
Al lived at home so he and Mom and Dad would have their own little Christmas in the early morning. Al never knew what to buy anyone. He would go to our Grandma’s, our mom’s mother and she would write down ideas for him. He still struggled, so one gift per person was written and then he would go buy it. Grandma would always wrap his gifts for him and he would tuck them under the tree.
Life changed for Al quite a bit when Granddad passed a way. There was no one but Grandma who went out of their way to help Al with all the problems he had. Mom worked and so did Dad. Granddad had Al with him all the time, and then suddenly he was gone.
Our whole family changed. Al was more alone and there was so much sadness floating through out the house. Now when Al went to Grandma to talk or get help with a problem for a few years she just was lost without her spouse and we became lost in her world too. Not by choice but she was mourning.
Dad had to start doing more for Grandma plus his own job and I think he became tired. He started jumping on Al’s case easier and it became more often than before. Mom spent her free time with her mom who was still mourning. I didn’t live there any longer, and our
half-sister never got along with Al.
I know for me I was so jealous of our sister. Even though I understand much better now that I am older, I didn’t get it then. She got new clothes from more expensive stores. In fact, she got almost everything she wanted. She went with friends a lot. She seemed to have quite a few over nite parties. While Al and I were much more quiet. But we have to remember that Al and I were ten years older than our new sister. We had been taught to be quiet, while the sister was laughing and much louder.
I think Al never knew what to think of her. As he saw himself getting yelled at for being stupid, he never saw her in trouble. I think in Al’s mind this bothered him and he felt less wanted than he should have. He always felt like he was the bad kid and he was in the way.