Looking Up With Love

She was sitting on the swing, that was surrounded by many weeping willow trees. Her feet

English: 'A pain stabbed my heart as it did ev...

slowly moving back and forth, giving the movement a mere whisper for anyone to notice. Her head bent downward, and tears falling from her eyes, as the funeral home was here picking up her father who had passed away only moments before.

Grief gripped at her heart and tore it wide open, letting feelings of sadness and dismay pour out. Her father had been her idol her entire life, and now he was gone. Only early this morning, she had held his hands and used her soothing words to comfort him. She knew the pain that he was suffering, but she also realized her own pain that was rising up over the boiling pot, had to be much worse than anything he could be feeling.

He could not do this to her. He had rescued her when she was but a little child. When she looked up into his eyes, and he smiled at her, this assured her that he was all she needed in her life.

With him, there was security, and love, a child and a father’s love. There was nothing more important to this child, than being with her daddy. He was Superman, capable of fixing everything that breaks little girls heart, and now he was gone.

As she sat swinging, she looked out over the trees, and asked God why he had taken him from her. She had grown up to believe that God was a good God, and he could fix pain better than even her own daddy.

Who would be her hero now. Who would she turn to in times of grief, or run to with good news, only to know she would see the smile that made her feel so secure and needed. She heard many birds up in the trees singing, and she felt angry, as she didn’t want them to be celebrating his pain being over. She wanted the world to quiet and feel her own loss.

The hearse came and the hearse left, leaving behind the screaming, for only herself to hear. She got up out of the swing, and casually walked to the water’s edge, and watched the reflection of herself in the rippling waters, asking the shadow who she was. For what she saw was a tall woman, who carried herself with a grace all of her own. She saw her own eyes looking back at her, but could not find the tears, the same tears that were dripping from her own eyes.

As the water softly moved she imagined herself lying on top of it, floating out to bigger waters, being lifted by God, to go to where her daddy had gone. She searched and waited for a sign that told her it was alright to step into the dark shadows and drift away, but no sign came.

She let herself fall gracefully to the ground, her fingers entangling with the soft blades of grass. She buried her head close to her body and she wept a daughter’s grief. She poured all of her sadness and pain into the black earth, until there was left behind nothing but dry dirt.

It was over, be strong, be courageous. You are the eldest child, there is much to be done. She pulled herself to an upright position, and using her arm as her blanket, she wiped the tears from her eyes. She looked out over God’s beauty, having found no answers, and stood up and walked back towards the house. She found herself alone, as she walked the old too familiar path of the grounds.

No one was in the house and she slowly picked up the phone and started making the calls to inform others of the sad news. Life does move on, but it takes time to heal. For some, kick back is smoothly running, and for others the grief still remains ever-present.

Filling the void, left in the heart, is a chore, and sometimes hidden behind faces, waiting for a day to fully grieve the loss, only to be found still carrying this heaviness many years later. Well wishers and foods came and went, and once again, she found herself, thinking of her daddy wondering what she should do next. How would he be handling something like this if it had happened to him.

Then she snaps into reality and realizes he didn’t know how to deal with pain either. Many times she had visited him to find him sitting on the swing, gently using his  feet to move the swing, staring off into space, and looking closer, you could see the feelings that had risen in a man’s heart, with after flow of tears falling. This  was what he had felt, and this is how he reacted when he lost his own wife in earlier years.

The trickling effect of life being born and ending, had made its way down the path of a family generation, and now it had stopped here, marking its territory on the only children left, the last of the generation.

Life moves on, smiles come and go, chatter still continues, but the void left behind in my own heart still burns with pain. I love you daddy and I miss the comfort of you being near me. I hope you are doing fine up there in heaven. Give mom a kiss for me, and in no time at all, we will all be a family together.