More Changes

Golden Girl

I didn’t know whether to go hide in a corner of my room or write to my friends on here. I have tears in my eyes as I have found out the truths that I have been searching for.

I look outside as the snow softly falls and watch it begin to cover the grounds and roads once again. This is what part of me wishes for. Someone cover me with a blanket and bring me comfort.

I would give anything in this world to have my parents back. I would definitely risk the snow storm in order to be in the comfort of their words right now. But alas, I know this will not happen.

I have always believed that God knows all. He works out our problems to our good. I have to cling to this as I have already shredded the ends of the rope hanging right above my reach.

I want to go into the kitchen and find anything and everything to stuff in my mouth; for food blankets me with comfort, but I will not as I realize I will pay the huge price of high sugars later on.

What I learned to be true, and as they say straight from the horse’s mouth is no program is going to allow Al‘s funeral bill to become a legal expense. The wording is wrong on the paper work and there is no way to change it as the originals have already been viewed.

I had already checked into a refund a couple of weeks ago and discovered to my dismay that of all the thousands that have been paid on it will all vanish but one tenth in a refund. This just makes me want to vomit. Not only that and please don’t think of me as hard-shelled but if he passes before me I will then have to pay for another funeral out of my pocket.

This Friday morning I am meeting Al with his driver at our doctor’s office. We will be getting Al an updated physical and also a form which will have all of Al’s diagnosis on it. Then I am to fax this to the correct number.

This in turn will be sent to another department to be approved or denied. What I didn’t know for sure until today is that this is for a waiver that will bring Al back home. He will go to a day program Monday through Friday for eight hours.

The lady working on this case told me that he is eligible and sees no reason why it will not be approved. She says this won’t take long at all. The next step will be Al receiving a case worker and she will then meet with Al and me and they will be checking out our home to see if there are any changes that need to be made for his convenience. I believe these changes are done at their expense.

I won’t mind having Al here because he will be able to go to the day programs. This is something very much he needs. After he comes home then another waiver is introduced and it will be possible that he could move into the group homes if he chooses or if it gets to be too much for me.This waiver is much lengthier and takes quite a bit longer. Either way I know that God is in charge of this whole deal. It will work out. I will have time still for me five days a week and Al will be back here.

What bothers me so bad is that the facility refuses to allow me the funeral home expense. The government sees it as a life insurance policy. I was told I could try to sway the facility to see things from my view to allow the funeral expense each month, but all they could say is we want our money owed to us.

I will never look at nursing homes again with the same eyes. I will never forget them suggesting to me that I sell Al’s personal things out of his room to help pay for his own funeral. First of all he doesn’t have anything of funeral expense value. I will never forget them telling me they don’t have time to chat with him.

I would rather have him  here where I know I love him and he will get better care than he received there. Yes I will be involved again. Yes there is a chance he can go to the group homes eventually, but for now, I refuse to see my brother slip into a deeper depression. For now I am thankful for the waiver to release him from their greedy and non-caring fingers. For the rest of it? the future for Al and me? I have no choice but to place it in God’s hands. He will never do Al or me wrong. I have to believe and trust that God will help me with Al here at home.

I went back and read some of the posts I had written a few months ago, but for some reasons I am not as afraid and worried. Al is weaker. He can no longer come at me. He walks very little and we won’t be together 24/7. He will have a life of his own and he won’t be treated bad nor shunned.

The tears flowing from me now and the urge to vomit come from the heartless people who won’t show any compassion for another human soul. I will not beat myself up for the what I have done’s, but I refuse to keep making the same error over and over.

As Rose would say on the Golden Girls, this facility can all go to He double hockey sticks!!

My one friends uses a common phrase that comes to my mind right now. God is good, God loves me, and life is what it is.

Oh and by the way friends, I prayed so many times for God to save the big snow until after I went to this important meeting for Al. I don’t know if you prayed also but thanks if you did. I know there is a God, I don’t have to see his face, I can see him at work. God held on to those big snow flakes. All there were was snow flakes gently falling. The streets were clear and I was able to go to the meeting and come home. About fifteen minutes after  I returned  home  God let loose of those flakes and now it is snowing like crazy. All the roads are snow-covered and so is my car. Thank-you Jesus for answering my prayer and watching over me and  Al. I praise your name and sing hallelujah!

A Visit With Al Today

free-write-friday-writing-prompt bird in winterBefore I went to see Al today, I spent yesterday sleeping off the unanswered questions and researching the internet for help. Some of you have provided me with links which I looked at and have saved. Tomorrow is Monday, and a holiday. I will do my best to get some new roads to look at for Al.

I did discover by going to the State of Indiana Health Boards that I was able to take a look at the scores and test results from the last State Inspection. It had been created in January of 2011 I believe. It showed me what I suspected. They ranked in below average compared to other places.

The worst targets for getting written up were lack of interaction with residents. Too few staff was another siting. Not enough nurses. Residents left in their rooms with no encouragement to partake in activities. Pills being given more often than not and some over-dosing accidents were stated.

The first words that caught my attention though were the ones that said, residents left alone with no interaction, causing anxieties and depression.

This really stood out to me as I notice more and more that Al seems depressed, quiet and down in the dumps. When I went to see him today it was what I would call a below average visit. He was quiet at first and then he blurted out,” I am trying to be good Terry. I am trying to stay out-of-the-way so the staff won’t get mad at me. Do you think they will like me better if I am good”?

The poor guy. I am sorry but this made me feel so bad. I can not blame every single thing on Al’s Parkinson’s Disease, just as I can not blame it all on the staff. I can however, blame the ball. The ball that goes round and round starting with the Administrator and swinging down to the CNA’s. It is no one’s fault and yet it is everyone’s issue.

Al does need to watch what he says to residents. He does need to be careful of becoming angry. On the flip side, is he doing these things on purpose? I choose to believe no. He has always had issues of this and that, but he has always been a social butterfly, trying his best to get people to notice him.

Here at home on Christmas Day I observed more than once Al trying so hard by repeating himself to others what he wanted to say. He was ignored. When Al gets ignored I get hurt. I can’t help it. I know he is what we would not call normal, but should we shut him out, shut him in a room because he wants to know someone loves and cares about him? Don’t we want the same thing from others? Why else do we marry or get involved in relationships? I don’t think it is because we want to be alone.

I was very honest and open with Al. I told him I did not know the outcome of what was going to happen. I said” I am so glad that you are trying your hardest, and Al, I know that most of the time you do not mean to be rude to others. I know you want these people to like you and it all just seems so big when you are having your pain too”.

I went on to explain that tomorrow I am gong to start making some calls. I explained that I want him to be happy and I will do my best. I asked him if he had a choice of coming home and going to a group home which would he prefer. He said he wanted to stay where he was. He said he didn’t want to come home because we could never find help to stay, so he chose the group home.

He was very calm today but very sad-faced. I know he feels so bad at the thought that this place does not want him there. I took in one of his antique cars and asked him if he wanted me to push him in the wheel chair down to  his buddies room to show it to him. I ended up pushing him for a ride all around the facility and then we went to his friend’s room. They spoke a few minutes talking about the car and then church was getting ready to start.

His buddy asked him if he wanted to go. Letting him know that he himself was going. Al started to cry and said, “I can’t. It just makes me cry. I am too emotional”. The guy looked at him and then me and I just told his friend that we were heading back to his room now.

I planned on staying longer but I guess the ride wore him out. He was ready to lay down and rest.

Buddy, I am going to do the best darn job I can to help you fit into a place that you will enjoy and feel comfortable. You deserve it bud, I love you.