Guardian angel | Who I am

I have stayed a way for a few days, trying not to talk about Al, but instead writing little and yet accomplishing one goal I had, and that was writing the last chapter of my book. My very first book, all done now. I hope that you have enjoyed it.

Now the time has come where I could not manage to keep my breakfast down, so I must speak to you and let you know what has been happening, so I will stop the crying and move forth. The stats say that Taurus’s wear their feelings on their sleeves for all to see, and I believe this is me to at T. I am very emotional and wish I could toughen myself up, but I have never been able to change that about myself yet, and being middle-aged, it will most likely get worse.

Al was falling more and more, and the return of the tears and wanting to die, had backed me into a corner, and I had said a long prayer to God, that if he wanted Al to be placed, please let it be smooth and quick, to take this giant burden off of my shoulders, as I was too emotionally involved.

I had considered placement many times before, and even reached out to one nursing home that told me that he had too many issues to be accepted there. It sort of worried me, because if a nursing home can not accept my brother, than is everyone in a nursing home easy care?

Sometimes I am very fortunate and God will not wait to give me an answer, and this is one of those times. A call was placed again to the same nursing home, and within 24 hours, he was in a new home.

I have to admit that first of all, he was very happy. He wanted to be around people, even if they were twenty years older than him. He missed socializing, and he was so unsteady, that I, alone could not take him out very often.

I have battled the blues since he has been gone and I am still dealing with it. I keep looking at it as another loss of a family member, the last member being my biggest idol in my life, my daddy, and now there were two of us, Al and me, and now he is gone from the house.

I know in my heart he is not gone, he is only a few miles down the road, but my heart has not accepted this as of yet. I have to admit that I tried very hard to talk him out of going, and even on the ride there to his new home, I was still trying. I didn’t care at that time if I was being selfish, I didn’t want him to go, but alas, God or the amount of pain Al suffered in daily, was enough for him to want to go. He told me he did not want to be a burden to me with his falls and that there would be plenty of nurses around to pick him up.

Excuse me while I cry again, alright, I can see my typing once again. When we arrived I had a cow, just saying, when I saw the smallness of his room. The day before we had looked at the room, but my mind was so screwed up, I didn’t see it even though I looked at it. By the time I had his clothes put away in their new home, and his television there, and his recliner and walker, it left him with a path the width of his walker.

I am just like a mother hen, looking over my chick, I threw a fit, yes I threw a fit. There was paint chipped off the walls, and part of one wall was pushed in by something having gotten a hold of it, but nothing was done with my words, and Al was accepting, but all I could think of was, the thousands of dollars we were paying on private pay for this room, this room should have been in better shape.

The next day I went in and I saw a nurse trying to give him a pill at noon, and I explained to her that he did not take mid day pills and she ignored me. I told her to stop now! and she left the room, only to find out later that he had turned down his morning medications and they were trying to get him to take them. I did not buy that either, because what did Al do, pick out one pill and take the rest? I have my own thoughts on this, because he is a new admit, and I think they over-looked giving him this at breakfast, but she should have told me what was going on when she was trying to give it to him, instead of receiving silence.

I swear I will get better about his care, but for right now, I am observing maybe too much, but he is my brother, and he does not always speak for himself about pains and feelings very well until the pain is unbearable. After this disagreement about the nurse and pill, and the words I said about the room, they called me last evening and told me they switched him to another room on the other side, a window side, that was much bigger. I licked my pointer finger and lifted it in to the air, and silently here at home, said score, for Al and me!

There was another disagreement yesterday. Another nurse had come to me saying they had contacted his dental surgeon to let them know that they would be the ones transporting him to their office,and they were told he was not having his two teeth pulled by IV sedation, that in fact this was a consult.

I sat down and explained to them, that there was confusion somewhere because he was getting them extracted next Tuesday, and she shook her head no at me, so I told her when I came home, I would call the surgeon’s office myself and try to get this whole thing straightened out, because I knew I was right. I have it right here on my calendar for Al, and I was at the regular dentist when the appointment was made through the phone.

After I came home, I did in fact, call the dentist, and they told me to hang on for the nurse, and I explained before she left her end of the phone, that I was only talking about his appointment, so I did not need a nurse. She said she understood but had been expecting my phone call.

So now everyone knew a secret but the sister, the one who is guardian over the brother. The dentist office knew, the facility my brother is in knew, and even the specialists, heart and neurologist knew, everyone but me.

I waited for what seemed hours but only minutes for the nurse to get on the phone, and she said that there was going to be a consult on the day of where he was going to have his teeth extracted, and I ask why and why haven’t you called me already with this information, and she said that they had only found out the reports from the two specialist doctors earlier today. I should say that I had previously called the dentist and explained that the facility was going to be bringing Al in and that I would meet them there, so this is how they knew to call the facility on the time frame needed for the bus trip to and from the dentist office. I understood, but I still felt I should have been called first.

Anyways, that part is over and now it doesn’t matter to me who called who first, because I was given news that I didn’t want to hear or know. The two reports came back with negative remarks about releasing Al for a dental procedure doing IV Sedation, and I asked why, that we had just went through this same process earlier in April.

The nurse continued with both reports came back stamped in red ink, very high risk, no procedures done on him at the dentist office. My stomach began to get hot and churn and if I bit my nails, I would have started, but instead I lit up a cigarette.

She said that the cardiology report came back from the tests that were run on him prior to the day of his admittance with damage to the heart. I said nothing and kept listening. She said that the Parkinson’s Disease had penetrated his heart now, and it was too risky to do anything with him here. They wanted to admit him to the hospital so that they could insert breathing tubes and other necessary equipment for him, because there was a chance he could not make it through this due to his heart damage and weakness.

My brain was not taking this in as fast as my ears were, and I sat there saying nothing. I heard her repeat my name a couple of times, asking was I still here on the line with her, and finally I mumbled yes, I am still here.

She said your brother is not well, so we will have a consult with the dentist that was going to do the extraction, and he will tell you then what this is going to consist of in the hospital, and he will still be the one performing the extractions at the hospital. She told me of the appointment and I said thank-you for your time and I hung up with her and called the facility, and they said they knew about this but I needed to hear the information from the dental nurse instead of them. They tried to console me and yet letting me know that his heart was most likely be the culprit of this nasty disease.

I hung up with them, and flipped around in my chair, wanting to see Al and yet seeing no one, and hearing no one, and for the first time since daddy died, I felt so alone, that I wanted to die also. I wanted to be with my own mom and dad. I wanted someone to put their arms around me and comfort me, telling me this was all a bad dream, everything was going to be alright, but God ignored my request, and so I did the only thing I could. My body began to shake and I let myself slip to the floor and I cried, and cried and I was still crying last night off and on.

I finally fell asleep for a few hours but was awake this morning at 5:30, and could not go back to sleep, so I made myself a pot of coffee, and went through my emails, and made myself finish my last chapter of my book, then I went back to bed.

My eyes are still watering off and on today, but no out-of-controlling tears. The house is quiet even with my Escape music on the television playing in the back ground. I am scared Lord, I am scared I am going to lose my baby brother sooner than later. I know he is going to go home to you, but I always dreamed it would be a long time from now, and I know he will not leave me today, but you are going to take him home.

I am not going to go visit my brother today, because I will always do what I can to not show him anything but smiles and uplifting words from me. I will go see him tomorrow. God already knows how much I love my brother, and for you my brother, who doesn’t always understand the depths of my feelings for you, I love you so very much, and wish you many smiles and some giggles and a good social life while you remain in the arms of the facility. I love you so much. May the angels surround the two of us through out the rest of this journey.