Are You Wondering?
I bet you have wondered the…
Are You Wondering?
I bet you have wondered the…
I bet you have wondered the helper and Al and I got along today. Well, it was freaking fantastic! She jumped right in. She has a great personality. Al and her got a long very well. She changed him. She helped with every thing I taught her today. She fed him breakfast and lunch. She changed his brief.
I actually cleaned the house with barely any interruptions. I did lay down but couldn’t sleep. I did watch Christmas Bride on the Hallmark movie station. I have no new aches.
Best thing that has happened in our lives in weeks. Help, someone to talk to Al, a loving soul who took her time and showed Al she cared and all this on the first day. The next best thing is she is coming back tomorrow. I am keeping my fingers tightly crossed.
Last weekend on Hallmark station the Christmas movies began. I refused to watch any of them. After all it is weeks before Christmas morning. Even as I sit here staring at what I think is our beautiful tree.
This weekend has started out pretty good. Al hasn’t gotten out of bed but it’s alright. It is warm but windy outside. I keep seeing leaves fluttering outside the window, reminding me of winter coming.
It was almost like a silent rebel inside of me. I knew those movies were on. The feel good, family, love, everyone happy movies. I left my TV off most of the day, but this forced me to listen to Al’s TV which had football games on. Sorry friends I am not a football fan.
Then I did it. I flipped the TV on and turned it to the station, Hallmark. There it was staring me in the face. Pretty snow flakes, smiling faces, people getting engaged. Wow, I was starting to feel like a real Scrooge.
I didn’t like that conclusion but I didn’t like the sadness that ripped across my heart either. Tender memories of Mom and Dad. Hustle and bustle of trimming trees, sharing holidays with the entire family. Wow, once again I felt like I had went from a feeling of seven down to a two.
What nonsense I was doing to myself. Mom and Dad wouldn’t want me sulking and missing out on making more memories. I want to fall in love again and yet I refused to watch someone else experiencing that feeling.
Was I jealous? Maybe, not sure. I have a family of my own. My brother, and three kids, their kids and two new ones coming next year. Why am I wasting time on past memories that make me sad? Of course there is never a day I don’t think of our parents, but life moves forward and I need to try too.
I have not turned the TV off, I have watched from my cozy couch or from the stove while cooking Al and me supper movie after movie. A part of me feels lighter, happier. The holidays are coming whether we like it or not.
People will celebrate in what ever form they are accustomed to. I refuse to sit here and dwell on what was or worry about whether Al is going to be here at Christmas. I am working with all of my human power to enjoy today.
Today with Al, tomorrow with tossing leaves, cooler weather, snowflakes that will fall, Thanksgiving with which ever kids show up and Christmas, a time of making new and better memories and giving thanks for baby Jesus being born.
To My Grandma; A Card I Created
Grandma I know I am guilty
Of not being here enough
I find myself involved
With way too much stuff
He told me he woke up and did not feel right. He said when he got up, he felt like he was going to fall down. I think he laid back down and let the nurse know he was feeling bad. He told me his tummy hurt, and he just did not feel right.
No nurse came to me with any reports, but I did find out that staff wants him to start eating a little bit more food. He is beginning to taper off his appetite, due to constant pain.
He said that he had another unwanted visitor. This was the visitor that I had spoken to prior and said that Al did not really want her to come back. Al told me,” You would be proud of me Terry. I didn’t have to go get the nurse, I just told her to leave”. I looked at him and said”If this is what you wish, than I am behind you”. He replied back,”She says she will call you and tell you I would not let her in”. I thought to myself, Go for it lady.
A therapist came up to me and said that she thinks so much of Al and that all the staff is crazy about him. She and others were going to be his armor and help guard him from people who may upset him. I appreciated this, as I can not be there 24/7.
Most of my visit today was spent in the therapy room. He believes so much that they can help him, and although he is not scheduled for this process any longer, they do not want to burst his bubble.
When it was time for his lunch, I walked with him down to the dining room. I made sure he had his food, and then I told him I would see him the day after today. I said good-bye, and I always say I love you to him. For the very first time, Al smiled up at me, and said I love you too sis. My heart melted, and I smiled all the way out the door.
No one can do so much to me with their hateful words, or bad attitudes, to erase the beautiful moment, that Al gave me. What a wonderful Christmas gift I will always treasure.
Yesterday was the first time in I don’t even know when, that I was relaxed. Not totally, but
no upset stomach, no vomiting my food. I smiled, I laughed. In between the laughs, I felt pangs of guilt, but tried to use my emotional broom and sweep them out the front door.
I wondered if Al was smiling, was he laughing? Did I have a right to laugh, to feel relaxed, while I leave him at his new home? I did not go visit him yesterday, but instead cleaned my house, turning up my country music. Today, it was mixed between country and country Christmas. I swept the house, dusted, did a load of laundry, mopped my floors.
I worked on a Christmas project, and then in the afternoon, I became a fly on the wall out in the Christmas shopping world, sometimes buzzing in low on an item I thought may be a good deal. I had a really good time.
I took my time and comparison shopped and tried not to pick items up only because it was marked a Black Friday Sale. My wings took me down aisles that I had not been down in years. I went down the craft aisles, the toy aisles, the seasonal areas, I went just about anywhere that my nose led me, in looking for bargains.
My brother told me that he really wants this object he saw on the television. He said it is a Hallmark ornament, and that it looked like a radio, and when you flipped a button, it played music. Al is really into anything that plays music. I will be looking for it for sure. He also said that he wants new sleeper pants and sweat pants and short sleeve shirts. He has never offered me a Christmas wish list, so this pleased me. It is so much easier to shop with a list.
So all in all, I spent some good, quality time with myself, and other than the pings of guilt, I did pretty good for the entire day. Monday will roll along, and everyone will be rid of the over shopping and get back to business, and I will be placing an ad in the paper again, hoping to find a caregiver job near by.
It was another bad evening last night. Al was on the death roll subject, and as I was in my bedroom, I could hear through the baby monitor talking. This is what he was saying.
God I want to die so bad, please help me. Oh God, please listen to me, I am begging you to help me. Satan wants me God, he won’t leave. I keep telling him to leave me alone, but he won’t listen. No one cares about me, they all just want me to be locked away. Please help me God, I want to die today.
As I heard this conversation going on, I decided to interfere, and so I walked in his room and asked him if there was anything that he needed, that I was just checking in on him. He began to cry, and saying how bad he wanted to die, and that God was just not listening to him.
He told me that Satan was laughing at him, so this is where I took my cue to help. I told Al that Satan so wants to take him away from God and he will say or do anything to believe that God does not count.
I explained how to pray and to tell Satan to leave him and his room, that he belonged to God. I have done this many times for him, but I was informed of recent, that it really needed to be Al doing this instead of me.
I started to turn away and leave then, and then heard Al start to pray. I didn’t know whether to continue walking or stand still out of respect. My feet were frozen to the floor and I was barely breathing, as Al prayed telling Satan to leave him alone. The next words out of his mouth were,
God I have asked Satan to leave, so can you take me home now?
I continued on out the door, when there was no more speaking to be heard.
I went back to the computer and in about maybe ten minutes, Al comes storming out to where I was and he is standing right in front of me. The look in his eyes was rage and if I had been looking closer, I think I would have seen steam coming out of his nostrils. I asked him what is wrong, I was just in there and you seemed very calm and at peace, and he says;
God is mad at you now! I said this can not be true, as God is a loving God and he does not get mad at us. He said, yep, you have blown it now sister. You walked out of my room and you were saying F— Y— to God. My mouth dropped open. God is not letting you into heaven, because you made fun of him. I just wanted to tell you that God hates you now!
I sat there for a moment, and then I repeated to him that God does not get mad, and that I had done nothing and surely had never said the words he had just accused me of. As Al walked back into his room, he turned around to me and snarled, that he was just warning me.
For some reason I did not freak out, nor run to my bedroom to hide from Al. Instead I knew that Al had gotten through to God and God had been listening, but someone else had been listening also, Satan. Wow, Satan was pissed off big time! He was some how using Al to scare me and to keep his hold on Al.
I gave it about five minutes and I went back to check on him, and when I entered his room, Al was reading his Bible and he looked up at me and he smiled, and he said
What’s up sis?
I said I was just checking to see if he needed anything and he said he was fine.
Wow, oh wow! I think, no I am positive, that I had just witnessed the war between Satan and man! God won though. Al slept all through the night, and I once again received six hours of uninterrupted sleep again.
This morning? Al came out and said hi sis and I saw a small smile. He asked for his pain medications and I said alright. He did his thing and so did I, and so far all is quiet.
Next round Satan?
I have blogged last evening about helping to get Al’s mind off of his pain, and I have made the suggestion of sending him a get well or just a funny card through the mail. Something for him to touch and hold and he can look at it anytime he wishes. So many of you have responded already and I am just so touched.
Al I am sure he will accept any card that is for him!! His interests are cars and coca cola, and funny animals, but anything with God on it will be nice also.
If you are willing to participate, please email me and I will email you back our physical address. I just want to help Al as much as I can and he will be thrilled that he is getting mail all for him!
My email address is:
FYI— The family doctor called me yesterday and told me that he did not feel comfortable going to the next level of medications with Al’s heart, seizure, and blood pressure problems, so he gave me the phone number of a Pain Medication Clinic. I called as soon as I hung up from him, and the very soonest appointment is set for November 28th. I am upset, I am sorry, this is the soonest? I have a human being here plotting on how to end his life, and this is over a month way. Please pray with me, that a cancellation happens. Al needs to see a doctor sooner than this. This is the only doctor that can deal with Al’s situation.