Saturday Al went into a new chapter I had never been through. With all the years of experience, not once have I heard this. The sad thing is it is driving me absolutely crazy.
Let’s call it the hum. The moan or groan. He sometimes can be understood, but only sometimes. I asked him last night who he was talking to and he said God, so I said this is wonderful.
He has continued throughout these days…
Saturday Al went into a new chapter I had never been through. With all the years of experience, not once have I heard this. The sad thing is it is driving me absolutely crazy.
Let’s call it the hum. The moan or groan. He sometimes can be understood, but only sometimes. I asked him last night who he was talking to and he said God, so I said this is wonderful.
He has continued throughout these days with the same thing. I feel like I have nowhere to turn anymore. Hospice can’t seem to help. The Hospice minister said he had not heard this done before.
It is still happening today. Al woke up at seven and he started it immediately. He did tell the bath girl that she needed to check his mail box. He told me once that he was going to spill his eggs from the basket if I didn’t take them from him.
He told the bath girl to put the Playboy channel on TV. I know we have it because I have seen it surfing through the movie guide; but we have no subscription to it.
I just don’t know how to cope with it now. It is from morning to night. He did eat a few bites of sherbet last night and this morning he asked for more. He ate a small bowl.
Is this the way it is going to be? No sleep, no rest? Me having to go hide in my room to escape the constant noise? Am I being a mean sister by not being more tolerable?
Next week Al and I won’t have a caregiver all week. I know in my heart that I can’t take care of him alone. There is supposed to be a respite week now for him and me. He will be going to a local nursing home from Monday-Friday. He will come home sometime on that Friday and then I will be taking care of him alone until Monday morning arrives.
A big part of me is very nervous about letting him go. He is so fragile. No one will know him. Maybe his moans will cause them to take less care of him. It is a constant struggle for me.
I curse myself because I have Diabetic Neuropathy in my hands. This is the biggest reason I can not care for him alone that many days. The other part of me tries very hard to realize that Angels and God will watch over him. I have to trust the heavens more than anything now. I realize and I will go see him more often than not.
I have been praying like crazy that God will take Al home before next Monday gets here. I guess I just don’t want the added worry on top of everything else we go through.
Life is good right? God is real, right? I have a chance to have Monday afternoon, all day Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and part of Friday to rest up, laugh again, relax, and recompose myself. So what is the problem? Why is everything getting to me now? Is the moaning the icing on the cake?
Is Al Talking to Me or Someone I Can’t See
Well my girlfriend is gone. We ran to Wal-Mart to try to find a stethoscope because I thought mine was broken. They didn’t have one and when we returned home my friend had a call waiting that told her that her granddaughter was getting ready to have her baby, so she headed home so she could be a part of this magnificent miracle.
The Hospice nurse came and she discovered there was an issue with my…
Well my girlfriend is gone. We ran to Wal-Mart to try to find a stethoscope because I thought mine was broken. They didn’t have one and when we returned home my friend had a call waiting that told her that her granddaughter was getting ready to have her baby, so she headed home so she could be a part of this magnificent miracle.
The Hospice nurse came and she discovered there was an issue with my stethoscope and she fixed it. I was relieved. Al is still moaning and groaning. He sometimes doesn’t act like he is aware that we are there.
He has asked me to take him to get tires for his car. He has pleaded to just get out of his bed and go somewhere. He has slept about 10% the entire weekend. Today after the lunch hour he has been asleep for 15 minutes.
It sounds like his is chanting. I am not sure whether he is talking to me or maybe someone he sees that we don’t. The nurse said with his not eating and drinking he will not be here too much longer.
I wish I could calm his moans. I can’t help it friends. It does tend to get to you after a while of hearing it. He did ask for ice-cream this morning but ate three bites and that was it. His urine has turned from an amber color to some sort of weird yellow I had never seen.
I would give my right arm to take a way all he is going through, but I can’t. I am going to go lay down since I have a caregiver until four today. I just wanted to touch base. I will try to write again later today.
I just got through with Al and his supper. He could not feed himself. So I fed him. He ate about 50%. I am wracking my brain trying to think of something different to talk to you about. I have been so busy taking care of Al, it seems my blogging has suffered.
I have a little bit of free time right now and I so want to chat with you all. Find out what you did today. What are your plans for the weekend? I feel so full of guilt that I am having a hard time tearing my thinking a way from Al laying in that bed.
All of you are so right. I can’t guess tomorrow, not even this minute. I can’t sit and stare at him. I can’t get overly concerned even though I can hear and see him struggling to breathe while doing such an easy thing as eating.
I want to splash the ice, cold water in my face, wake up from this terrible dream. I will give you an example of just what I had to listen to since he has been home for about three hours.
When he woke up I went in to see if he was going to eat. He told me to get the cat down. I said the cat is laying right beside you. He is alright. Al says, ” He is hanging upside down. He is going to get hurt, get him down.”
Part of me wanted to start crying but the other part mimicked getting the cat down from the ceiling. Last night he was confused also. I can’t remember what it was about now.
Then I had to sit and listen to him struggle to breathe during eating. I can’t figure out why he is struggling just chewing food.
So, there are changes happening and yet I need to remain the same, I can’t do it. My mind is frozen like water is still beneath a frozen pond.
I am strong
Yet I am weak
I stand here for you
Yet I think of me
Crazy, swirling thoughts
Running throughout my mind
Quit spinning me now
I am ready to get off.
Written by,
Terry Shepherd
11/01/2013
Something new
Something borrowed
Something blue
Today when I visited Al
He had something new
To say, something
Borrowed from a
Scary movie I once watched
And something that
Made me blue
For the first time
I knew without thinking
That Al is beginning
Another part of the
Nasty Parkinson’s Disease
I took him lunch
Which I try to do
On Sunday noons
As our families
Used to do
Right in the middle
Of eating his fries
He looked at the floor
And then rubbed his eyes
He asked me if I saw
What he had seen
I looked at the floor
And said no it is clean
He said little animals
Were all over the floor
But when he rubbed his eyes
And looked again they were never more………….
Terry Shepherd
04/14/2014
