Be My Valentine
Heart beats a flutter
Words all a stutter
Love in the air
Be My Valentine
Heart beats a flutter
Words all a stutter
Love in the air
To The Tune of Hush Little Baby
Hush Little Brother
Hush little brother please don’t cry
Sis is going to be here and wipe your…
Hush Little Brother
Hush little brother please don’t cry
Sis is going to be here and wipe your eyes.
And if that doesn’t help you much
Sis is gonna take your hands and touch
And if that touch doesn’t do the job
I will get on knees and pray and sob
If the medicines don’t seem to work
Sis will call to God the only clerk
For God is listening every day
He promises he will never walk away
I will stay here by your side
Massage your feet so deep and wide
I will wipe your tears completely away
I will take them on each and every day
I promise I never wanted this
As I lean down and give your nose a kiss
The time will come and you will know
God will take your pain and away you’ll go
Promise me you will save me a spot
For our family is all we ever really got
So hush little brother don’t say a word
Sis is gonna stay near like a hummingbird.
There was an old lady
Who lived in a shoe
She took care of Al
And sometimes boo-hooed
I must have slave
Written all over my face
Because when he speaks
I begin to race
I get so tired of
I just want to scream
And throw myself to the ground
I know he is ill
And my heart bleeds I swear
But give me a break
So I can breathe in new air.
If you could read a book containing all that has happened and will ever happen in your life, would you? If you choose to read it, you must read it cover to cover
I would choose not to read a book about my entire life. Why do this? Ruin the ending? Do I want to know when I am going to leave this good earth? Do I want to still make choices and errors in my life?
The errors no, but how do we learn if do not make mistakes. I don’t want to know if I am going to get cancer, or get hit on the highways. This gives me the shivers just thinking about it.
I am the one who will not get those special expensive tests to see what I may die of. First of all they are not accurate. They do not report that you will die from this or that. I think I would drive myself crazy knowing my ending ahead of time.
Our purpose here in earth in my view, is to live a life pleasing to God. To let others know about God. If I knew I was dying, would I become obsessed with myself instead of bringing others to the Lord?
Would I say forget everything. Let me live and let me die. Give me all of those cookies I fight so hard to not eat. May I have that piece of cake with all those sugary flowers on top?
I believe for me, I would lose respect for myself and my fellow-man. I may give up my hope for life, and I may quit trying so hard to continue to live a good life. By good life I don’t mean riches. I mean by your inner heart and soul.
How would you change if you knew you were dying within one year. Would you go to those enemies and spill your guts and say all of your I’m sorry’s? Have you made your peace with your maker? If you died tomorrow, let’s say, are you satisfied with where you think you are going?
No, my answer is definitely a no. I don’t want to know anything ahead of time. And by the way, if you read my book start to finish, don’t tell me about it.
Today’s writing exercise is based on this statement.
The year is drawing to a close. What would you put in a 2012 time capsule?
This is something I will definitely be looking back in my files of blogging. To be able to smile and or cry over special moments I have enjoyed or gone through is precious.
January brought about a new year. A year filled with cautiousness and planned activities. New Year’s Day was spent with family. The day was filled with much love and laughter. It was also brought with good news, that I didn’t owe any taxes this year!
February brought with it the thoughts of my brother. He commented, “Why do people spend so much money on Valentine’s Day? Not everyone is married. Some people are like you and me sis, single”. This brought my burst of love on Valentine’s Day down to a more even keel. I could now accept that this day was not to be for all, and I could still remain happy and content through out the day.
March brought a visit to the ER with my brother Al. Heart pains, and a visit by the EMS. The good news was it was not a heart attack; but instead his angina had reappeared. With appropriate adjustments of medications, he was not admitted.
April brought me stirrings of Al’s birthday coming soon. I got a page together for him on Facebook and he received so many birthday cards, I could barely keep track. I saw more smiles from Al in that month than I ever had, thanks to all of my wonderful friends around the world.
May brought with it spring. A chance of another new beginning. Al’s birthday. A well planned outdoor party with family and friends attending. I so remember his eyes popping out when he opened one particular gift, a vintage coca cola soda machine. He still talks about this today. My heart surges when I remember back on that day, that was all for him.
June brought with it pain. A sad month. Al’s pain started to show its ugly face as it made it harder for Al to walk. In this month we purchased him a scooter, and he wasn’t overjoyed by it, but it did keep him more mobile. June also brought car shows, which I took Al to some all summer long.
July came in very hot with no rain. It also brought Al even more pain and tremors. Eating became difficult. Special utensils were bought for independent eating. Straws made it easier to drink, as lifting a glass became difficult. July also brought out the issues between Satan and God. Al had many discussions with me about wanting to die to be rid of his pain. He read his bible so much, that Satan became very angry at him and played mean tricks on him.
August brought with it more heat, and still very little rain. Al was approved for home health care. Quite a bit of therapy, tears, confusion were filling most of the days of this month. A fall here and then was taking place also
September came, with thoughts of cooling down, but it didn’t happen very quickly. Campfires were shared by family and sometimes Al would walk outside with his walker and sit by the fire and we would talk about vintage cars and car shows.
October brought fall and the leaves took their time in beginning their changes of green to beautiful reds, oranges and yellows. By now, Al was doing a lot more sitting instead of walking. He gave up his scooter, as his fingers became too weak to make the scooter go. Tears still flooded quite a few days, and I prayed to God to please bring him comfort and peace.
November brought with it a great sadness, as I realized with Al’s constant falls and pain, he needed more help than I could offer him. He and I made the decision to find more help. Adjustments were made for the two of us. I think I went into a mild depression. November also brought Thanksgiving. Al and family were here, but Al did not feel well that day, so the day ended a little earlier.
December is here. Al is smiling more. The pain is being better controlled with medications. Christmas tree and lights were placed. Shopping and visiting homes with plenty of lights to entertain us have been done. Going out to eat with Al has been fun some days and other days I believe he went just to be with me. Now I am making gifts and wrapping them. The time is coming for once again to be with family and celebrate Jesus birthday. Another chance to be with family is coming very soon. The kitchen will be filled with fattening goodies and smells from the oven will fill the air.
I have made it through another year thanks to blogger friends, family and God. I don’t know what the year 2013 will have in store for me. I can only wish it is all good. I do know that I can count on one thing for sure. God will be with me and he will bring me through anything, good or sad.
I am writing to help myself clear my thoughts, and maybe heal a little more. Yesterday, my son and his family who do spend a lot of time here with me, came down and we used our smoker to smoke chicken for supper. I am not kidding, the time it took to cook this meat, was worth the wait. It was so delicious!
This was sort of like our second Thanksgiving, since my daughter came from out-of-state to spend time with me. She brought only one of her daughters and her husband had other commitments, so I didn’t get to say hello to him at all.
It was a little strained. There have been issues, and through it all, I am trying to bring back the person that has been hiding for so many years, and to begin to say what is important to me, and stand on my own two feet emotionally. For some people, this feels odd, others may not appreciate it, and still others enjoy seeing my strength come back.
I just got to the point in my life, that I felt like I needed to quit saying things to people, that I didn’t feel right in saying, but wanted to keep the peace, so to say. Knowing I may be hurting others, is not an intentional thing I want to do, but being someone other than myself was also destroying me.
This morning, I didn’t feel well. My hip and back where I have the arthritis hurt pretty good. I have done much more physical activity, and more work in the kitchen, so my body is screaming at me to take it easy.
I wanted to go see Al because I had not been there for two days. When I walked in, he was sitting in his recliner, hiding behind those stupid curtains that cut you off from the world, and dividing your room, making it look smaller.
He looked up at me, and I received a half-smile. He seemed different, just as he has other times, and I asked him how he was and if he was in pain. He said he was adjusting. What does this mean, adjusting. We kept talking and then he broke down in tears. He cried so much that his eyes looked like he had Pink Eye. He is sad and lonely, he said, and part of him wanted to come home.
The sad part for me, is I did not want to show him how much I missed him, by crying also, and as he and I chatted, I realized that he now knew the facility was not going to fix him. He had received the news that his therapy was all over, and they had told him they could not help his PD any longer.My guts and heart wrenched when he said this, because this was his only desire to going to a new home. He was not making the friends that he had hoped for and one reason for this, was his memory remembers his eight week rehab in Florida, where the patients are much happier and know they are only going to be there a short time. It was easy to make friends.
Here, he is roommates with someone in their eighties, and his roommate is cuddled in his blanket most of the time he is up and he naps a lot. Al and him do speak, but it isn’t the same kind of talk he is accustomed to.
He gets one other visitor, that I am not crazy about, and I won’t go into that now, as it is another blog in itself. No one goes to visit him but me from family, so he sits. I think he is getting depressed and this scares me. He told me about his aching legs and I asked him if he went to church today and he said he didn’t know about any church.
Even though I had talked to him at an earlier time, he had forgotten I think. After we talked, I let him put his slippers on , and I went to speak to the nurse in charge of him that shift. I explained that Al will not ask for his pain medications, and he doesn’t ask about social activities. I explained his mentality, and said that a routine had to be formed and then a habit would occur.
She said she does asks Al if he needs pain medications, and he says no sometimes. I told her how Al has grown used to his pain, and then he only asks when his pain level is so high, he can’t take it anymore. She said if she ask him and he says no, then she won’t give him any. I understand this, but at home, I didn’t want his pain to get so bad, that his tears and speaking of death came to a head. I don’t know how to deal with this. You have the laws of the nursing department, and you have the mentality of a patient.
Al said if he came home, we would argue again, and he may be right. He said he feels out-of-place, and I defended that remark, by saying I had never told him that I wanted him to leave and live somewhere else. He told me I could not fix his Parkinson’s and now the facility can’t fix it either. He told me it is so hard for him, that he just wants it fixed.
We talked about the arguing here at home the past few months that he was here. We talked about his wanting to die so bad, and that I could not help him do this. I told him how much it bothered me when he spoke of death, and he said he could not help it, and I said that this was what caused a lot of stress and arguing at home, that I was weak inside, because I loved him, and it hurt so bad, knowing he wanted to die.
As I sat there chatting with him, my heart was breaking into pieces. Part of me was remembering the frustrations of what we had been through here at home, part of me was thinking how bad I was, because I could not hold on anymore. Part of Al wanted to come home, part of me wants him to come home, and part of him wanted to stay there.
It is a mess in my eyes. I see a man crying, a man sad and hurting, a man who misses his family and a man who wants to be loved by everyone. I see a man who remembers working and going to ballgames, and auctions and having a life, now being forced to be dependent on all others. I hate his dad, our dad, for causing so much emotional pain for him, not accepting that his own son was different. I hate Parkinson’s for ripping my brother’s future apart. I hate that my own family won’t take the time to go see him. I hate everything and everyone right now, but it is because I am hurting emotionally. I was hurting from the strain among family yesterday. I went to my own bed last night crying from what used to be. I clung to my memories of my own children and how it used to be, and now fighting the changes, that have come about due to the lack of understanding on their part, and the yearning to want to be able to be myself.
I hurt for not being able to care for my brother as well as I used to. I hurt because he is hurting, and what is worse than anything, is I look around my empty house and I look at the Christmas tree that the lights are off, and my own life takes the form of the tree. Dark and dreary, unable to put the light back on, unable to make anyone happy, unable to spark a brightness in others lives.
Right now I am so thankful I am the age I am, that my life is at least half over. Heaven sounds great! No more aching heart, no more sadness, only light and joy. People tell me you can’t make others happy unless you are happy yourself. I don’t know about this, because the more I try to do what is right, the more life becomes gray.
Hopefully, tomorrow , the day will be brighter, the air will smell fresher, and maybe Al will realize somewhere deep in his heart, that I am not his dad, that I am his sister, and I love him with all of my heart. I want him safe, and happy and as pain-free as possible. Maybe some day people will respect me for being strong, and if they do not, maybe some day, I will also adjust to living alone, behind some curtain, dividing the world off from me, hiding behind the curtain, and wishing things were different.
All I know at this moment, is that I desire and need peace. No more screaming from anyone, no more arguing, no more pain, no more nothing. I pray for an inner peace to come over me and fill my heart. I pray for the heart ache to leave, and I pray for the tears that fall too easily to once again disappear like they had for the past five years.