What I Did For Love


What I Did For Love

I never knew how

My life was being played

I only knew my heart tugged

At the thought of others

Needing a kind word

A hand on theirs

I followed my heart

And let the world

Go about its business

I will stand here

In your sight

Giving you all

I have in my

Own heart and soul

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

Oct.12, 2013

https://www.facebook.com/poetryinthoughtgivingredclothheart

 

Where Are You My Precious Love


Oh where are you

My precious love

That I may draw

Strength from

Your heart

That I might

Feel your power

And tuck me safely

Under your arm

And shelter me

From the evil

In the world

Where are you

My precious love

Can’t you see

It in my eyes

Can’t you hear

My heart beating

Here, look in

My direction

For I am

Waiting for you

Terry Shepherd

05/18/2013

A heart being used as a symbol of love. Photo ...

A heart being used as a symbol of love.

Please Don’t Say You Don’t Love Me


Do not suck

The life out of

My loins for

I will crumble

In front of your

Feet, tears

Scrambling to

Find a place to hide

My heart laying in

Pieces for the

eyes to see

Please don’t go

Stay near my side

Love me forever

Say you will never leave.

Terry Shepherd

04/30/2013

Broken Heart

Broken


Flying Angel 3

I can’t help but write again

 

As my heart is being squeezed

 

Tears won’t stop flowing

 

I loved you so long ago

 

When I could see you all the time

 

And now the barrier keeps us apart

 

But my love for you has never  left my heart

 

I can almost feel God reaching down to you

 

I can feel his warmth entering  the room

 

As he is calling your name and I see that

 

You have answered him back

 

You may be leaving

 

But your memories will forever

 

Remain in my heart

 

I loved you then

 

As much as I love you now.

 

 

Have a safe journey

 

Tell God hello from me

 

I wanted to say but one more time

 

While you are still here and can hear

 

I loved you then and I still love you now

 

Here’s a hug and a kiss A.W.

 

Terry Shepherd

 

03/15/2013

 

 

 

Daily Prompt/The Daily Post


Daily Prompt

Illustration of the Parkinson disease by Sir W...

Illustration of the Parkinson disease by Sir William Richard Gowers from A Manual of Diseases of the Nervous System in 1886 showing the characteristic posture of PD patients (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

by Michelle w. on November 1, 2012

When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?

Last night, actually I felt lonely, right as I was lying down to go to sleep. I try so hard to not look at myself as a big pity party with only entertaining one guest, myself, and I am not even sure if I qualify for the word pity.

Caring for my brother, who has been in my care almost five years. This will be five years in January 2013. Dealing with mentally impairment, heart attacks and angina, and now, Parkinson’s Disease. Life  becomes over whelming most of the time.

It is described as a little snow ball rolling down the hills until it becomes so large, the city can see it if they look in this direction. It started out, that I was able to still work while Al, my brother was ill. He worked also, at a linen company, sorting mops. It was a nasty job, just plain nasty, and in my eyes, it was the bottom of the pit job, and he never climbed out of it, but with his mentality, he saw it as a paycheck and nothing more, nothing less. He did this for nine years, with very little pay increase.

When January rolled around, from which we had buried our father only three weeks prior, Al had a heart attack. I was still able to work a little while longer. I was and am still considered a professional caregiver, and I was at the time, caring for an elderly couple on the weekends as a live in. Al was recovering nicely, but when it came time to go back to work, he could not pull his weight in work.

The company was so good to him, even though he made little money or given nice raises. They cared about him. They let him return three times, but then they called me into the office, and with tears in their eyes, they let me know they had to let him go, because although they liked him very much, he could not do even fifty percent of the quota.

This changed things. I retired from my job and started caring for Al. With no money coming in  for him, and no job, and not really having any idea how to run a house hold, it took my entire waking hours to make everything work.

From the heart attack came excessive mental baggage of not understanding why he could not do the things he used to do, then more heart problems, angina. We dealt with this for some time and  even had to move, because walking stairs to his bedroom was too much for him.

Now we have been dealing with the progressive Parkinson’s for two years, and for him, it has sped very fast from the beginning, now leaving him in the fifth stage. You deal with many issues with Parkinson’. Freezing up of legs,tremors, choking, tears, unable to control urine, constipation, scooters, walkers, canes, many doctor’s appointments with different specialists. The emotional part is probably the worst of the disease. Hearing him constantly talk about wanting to die, why isn’t God letting him die, hearing he is sick and the disease is destroying him.

A part of his brain has shut down. The part that lets you see joy and happiness, so mostly Al sees only himself, and his pain, which is a constant in his life. I can sit here and listen, help, watch, guide, explain, but at the end of the day, Parkinson’s will win this game, and Al and I will lose.

So at the end of the day when I have him safely tucked in bed, and he is nice and dry, and his television is turned on, I wait for his tremors to settle down from his night-time medications, and by the time he is falling asleep, it is around three am, and from midnite until three am, I have the open opportunity to lie in bed awake and listening, wishing I was not walking through this journey alone, and I get very lonely

Mysteries And Faith


Hope

The world is full of mysteries and yet our minds are headed in the directions of what we know. You live the best way you know how, and you use what you have learned in your life and past experiences to make your decisions today.

Lately, on a lot of different sites I have visited, the topic of fear has come up, and as I have sat here reading others blogs, I am thankful for where I am placed on this earth, and for the opportunity of caring for my brother.

I have talked surface talk, about my father passing away five years ago. After this death, my life truly did change forever. Not only did I miss my hero so much, I had also been finalized a divorce from my husband,a few months prior to dad’s death, and I was experimenting living the single life.

My brother had his heart attack, and even during these times, there was a sense of aloofness from within my soul. I was so thankful for my daughter, who at this time still lived close by, for she was a great comfort, and her husband, was a proud, tall man who would take me and hide me under his wing, during the moments others were attacking me. I had a close friend also, who was always standing next to me in spirit, and this helped me to still stand through all of this.

It is crazy, just no other word, but plain crazy, what the words WILL and MONEY can do to a person. Family that I had, friends that I had, all of a sudden changed. No one was there to guide me, but the attorney. He would inform me of what I needed to do, or sign. My siblings would be involved with each step of making the formalization of the estate to be closed.

The Will was open for a year and a half, and I basically, walked through this first-time experience alone, trying to follow the rules, the laws, and taking care of my brother after his heart attack, and wondering about my own self.

Going from living with an emotional abuser, and then to living alone and feeling that sense of freedom, then back to living with someone, but this time my brother, was almost too much for me to handle. I was so thankful for my children and to God for carrying me through those awful months.

Wills are not always about happy times and getting monies or personal belongings. Wills can express in detail what the person who had it drawn up, is truly about. The deepest, and most secret wishes come out like the ashes from a volcano, hitting you in the face, and stinging at the same time, forcing decisions to be made and followed through, that I would rather have not had to do.

When you have lost the hero of your life, receiving five dollars or a million dollars, makes no difference at that time. When you are told you have to sell items to satisfy the law, it is not easy to see part of your memories of your life be handed to strangers.

I did as I was instructed, and mourned my father’s loss,in the spare time I had. I did end up moving in with my brother, as time expressed that he would not be able to take care of himself, and I still continued to work, and everything seemed alright on the surface, but deep down, in some, feelings were churning, and hurtful words came out, and family and friends who I had been involved my entire life with, were eventually gone, and the only way i have today of knowing these people were in my life is through my own memories.

I had no intentions at that time in my life of caring for my brother on a permanent basis. I can remember back then when he had the heart attack, I knew  he would  never be the same again in functioning, but in ways he was the same person as before the heart attack, he just needed a routine. I had looked into apartment living for him, in locations where other disabled adults lived, but I was shocked each time we paid a visit at the huge prices they wanted to charge someone who had little or no income, and had limited abilities to function in the daily world. I also would notice that my brother would look at me with sad eyes, and after time went by, I was able to see someone other than me who had suffered a loss besides myself. My brother had lost his routine. His comfort zone. Although dad was not the best to him, he was used to it, and he knew how to hide when dad was around. Work that he was accustomed to going to daily, was no longer there. In ways, I am sure today, that Al suffered as much as me or  maybe more, because he was totally dependent on others for his care.

It was then that I decided to give him the only stability I could offer him, and this was myself. A sibling, not a stranger, to walk the unknown paths of our future. We did this together, with the approval of our half-sister, and the courts. I chose to do what was right for Al, and gave up my work job, and learned to trust God for our needs.

The hurtful things done and the stinging words, I have done my best to put away, but with Al’s living more in the past each day, I am forced to remember things better left un-thought. I try to do what is right, and I work hard to live a respectable and calm life, but every once in a while the past comes charging back at me, and this in turns makes me want to stay hidden from the world.

I came to start writing, because although my days are filled with Al, and doctor appointments, and paying bills, and the regular things we do in our lives, I still felt this huge hole in my life. Writing was a way for me to express my true feelings. It was like having so many friends that were understanding. There was no judging, and  no rude comments, it was a neutral world, where I was able to make friends slowly through opening up my heart.

The past came back once again as a mystery to me last night. As I was reading my emails, I came across one that made my stomach hurt, and caused me to be on guard once again for Al and myself. A comment was made directly at me, that was too close to what words had been spoken those five years ago. I knew in an instant, this comment that was made, was from someone who knew me well, and I suspect he or she was from my past also.

It isn’t the fact that I can not care for myself or for Al. I can, and I have to admit, that I think Al is much more happy here at home than a nursing home, and when the time comes, if it does for him to move in to a home, I will know that he did more shopping and dining out, and experiencing new things in life,and he knew I listened and cared about what he said, , so for this I am grateful to have been able to give this to him.

What bothers me is now, is that  I am in the mindset of five years ago, wondering why people who were there for me, and in agreement with me, are no longer around, and have never lifted one finger for support or help, have decided to invade my life once again, with just one sentence.

I am who God hath made, and I will stay under the wing of him. The Lord will guide me through each of my steps here on this earth, not letting me trip over myself. He will touch my heart and let me know that I am not alone. He is my shield against all warriors, and he hath great powers to destroy thine  enemies. For God loves me and Al.  Through God’s love, I can do anything, for he is the power that I love, that I have chosen to receive, and in his arms we shall be safe. Amen.

 

 

There Is Life, And Then There Is Life


Sunrays

I turn around to see the tears

And ask why are they there

He tells me he is ready to go

That he no longer fears.

He speaks of mom and all his pain

And says he wants it gone

He says his life is of no use here

And has nothing here to gain.

My heart has cracked

As I see his tears fall

And hear the sadness in his voice

I must let him go, and not look back.

Some do not understand the ways

Of a human who wishes to die

We stand away and look from afar

And hope for him better days.

For those who know their time is near

There are no better days here

They have recognized life as gloom and pain

And want to be with the ones they hold so dear.

I wish for him with all of my heart

For his smiles to reappear

And I know without a second thought

That his smiles will return, when he does part.

I love my brother with all that I can be

I would not have missed a thing

The memories that I have buried with in

Are in the box, and only I hold the key.

I don’t know if you are right

About your time to go

But I will accept that in dreams or not

You are ready to see the light.

Terry Shepherd

July 07,2012