I Want, I Need

I was feeling my heart breaking a little as the nurse told me Al‘s face changed when they told him he was coming home today. Yes, he will be brought home around 5 this afternoon.

My first thoughts were sadness. He doesn’t want to see me? Don’t I do everything I can for him? Why doesn’t he want to come home?

The nurse said they spoiled him.  Well, I spoil him also. The nurse said he was feeling better. The doctor said it will be up to me how well he continues to feel at home. Based on what he is allowed to do. The only time he was out of bed was for a shower. He even ate in bed.

I guess I am going to have to face this sooner. Talking to him about his activities. Maybe he is not crazy about me. After all I am the sister. They were nurses and strangers. Someone new.

You can tell that I am struggling on accepting this. I wish they would not have told me to be quite honest. I know that I don’t spend every minute with him. If I did, the house would not be cleaned, laundry and cooking set aside. Rhino would not be fed. Dishes would pile up.

I am getting too hung up on this crap and I want to stop feeling this way. I am having a talk with myself but when he gets here it will all come flooding back.

No matter how much I love him I must have space. I can’t sit in his room every  minute he is a wake. I need to breathe. Is this wrong? He watches TV quite a bit by  himself. I don’t really care for his shows and he doesn’t want to sit much out here in the living room.

I wonder if he is going to want to go to Day Program tomorrow or wait until Tuesday after the holiday.

Now my stomach is getting all messed up. Sometimes I hate myself for being such a mushy grown-up. I have to be me while I take care of him. I want to do a good job and I want him to know that I love him.

I have two hours and he will be home.shocked_womanbook4

We Both Smiled Today



















My brother got a box from a blogger today, and inside was this hat. Now although, I know it is maybe not meant to be worn, and it is definitely too small, he has had it on since he opened the box early this evening. I took him to supper and he wore it and asked everyone he saw that worked there if they liked it. He would say to each one, see my hat? do you like it? It was so cute. He is still wearing it.

The home health care nurse came today, and there was a lot of questions to ask Al and me. Al cried because his mind could not keep up, and I think the dementia is getting more bold, and making itself at home here, as Al did not know any of the simple answers, except when his birthday was.

In the end, Al will receive a shower three times weekly, a physical therapist will be here weekly to try to help Al’s weak legs, and a Speech therapist will also be here weekly, to try to help with Al’s throat muscles. He is choking and coughing more and more as he eats and drinks.

It looks like a lot of attention will be spent with him and on him for a while. I may even be able to sneak away and get groceries. I am so thankful and shook her hand as she left, and Al cried, and told her how bad he hurt, and he wanted to die.

So all in all it was not a bad day. Al’s medications almost got messed up because he slept in until almost 11am. He had a terrible night with his tremors, pains and nightmares, but finally he got up. We just moved the times of doses of medications up a little and all worked out. In the end we each smiled today, just at different times.


Break Out The Champagne Glasses, Lets Toast Together!


God answered one of my prayers! The first thing that happened was I thanked Jesus, right


Show Jumping - Prop


there on the phone, while speaking to the lady who called me today.


Medicare has approved my brother for home health care! He will get therapy to try to strengthen his weak legs. He will receive showers, and a nurse is coming here either today, later on, or tomorrow, to see what Al and I need help with.


Can you believe it? Someone is ASKING me, what we need help with! No more placing ads, no more no-shows, no more quitting of caregivers. Solid, dependable, professional helpers!


I am so excited for Al and for myself, that I could do cartwheels, if I was younger!


I had to share with each of you. I have asked many times and have received much support through prayers, and now we are going over the first huddle.


Thank you everyone!!! I wish I could hug and kiss each person I run across today, I am this happy.


God Will Not Let Me Down

Hello? Hello? I ask, what number are you calling please? I hear hello? Is this the person who wants help? I call in regard to your help ad. I find out within a minute that this is not the person for us. Only 17 years old, and has never had any experience. I thank her for calling, and tell her I need someone with more experience. The next phone call the speaker is so soft-spoken, I can barely hear. I am calling about the ad that you have in the paper? I am looking for some work. This lady, bless her heart, is 70 years old and wants something to do with her spare time. I fell in love with her spirit, but knew she could not handle a quick fall and his chatter may not be heard. The next call is from a high school student. She sounds very nice. I can hear her. She is wanting to work when she has time. She is involved with many school activities and has a part-time job after school. She doesn’t drive yet, so I would have to go pick her up and take her home. If I was going to have to take him out to go get her, I may as well take him with me. The phone rang a few more times, but I just didn’t feel a comfort here with the callers. The phone became silent for several hours before it rang again. Here was a young lady, who had some experience, but she needed to bring her three young children with her. This made me sad, as I think she may have worked out, but children and my brother never mix well. He picks more, gets agitated, and it isn’t worth the worry I would go through once I left the house. The phone went silent, so I took advantage of it and called a couple of home health care agencies in town. They were more than willing to help, as long as I needed a RN for skilled care. This wasn’t the case here. I was looking for someone to sit with him, so I could have time for myself, away from the care and situation. I next made a call to the government office, to see what they covered, and to my disappointment, only skilled care. I was wanting something for myself, for me, and they don’t cover anything for the caregiver. This upset me, because my selfish thoughts were, I NEED A BREAK!!  I got off the phone, and the phone rang before I set the phone in its cradle. This was a person, that sounded good. She had experience. She was of the right age. She would be glad to play a game, or watch TV with him. She would even fix his lunch if I was gone over the meal time. I asked her if she could come out to meet him at a certain time, and she said she would be here. I hung up, a feeling of excitement rising inside of me. This would allow me to go get my brother’s birthday gift without him being present, and to get some out-door flowers for around the yard. I prepared his lunch, and tidied up the house a bit. Changed my clothes, and both, him and I, waited for her arrival. She never showed up. Wow! What a disappointment. My heart sunk. He went back to his room, to take his nap. I sat on the couch, and I began to cry. Not much, just a couple of tears. I don’t usually cry anymore about anything in life, but this did produce a tear or two. I needed help. I love my brother more than life itself, but I need a break, and so does he. If you were to ask him if he was getting tired of only seeing my face, he would grin and shake his head yes.  I got on bended knee, and tell


telephone (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

God of my feelings and frustrations. I asked him for his help. He held out his hands to me and I placed my worries on him. The phone is still silent. My faith has to carry me through this. It is only a matter of time, before God will make the phone ring, answering my prayer.