What’s Different than yesterday?

It’s Saturday morning and this morning is no different than last Saturday morning. I got up and grabbed a cup of coffee and here I sit with the morning news on sipping hot coffee.

I realize it is now 2020 instead of 2019 and when I paid my rent, I had to change the date but other than that, what’s different?

I see some changes ahead of me. In April I will be a year older. This gives me less chances of making a difference in the world and then I have to ask myself what kind of change could a sixty-five year make anyhow?

Not being young anymore, there isn’t kids to run to after school programs now do I have to set the alarm clock for work. I don’t get the weekly paychecks anymore, so what can possibly be different this time?

God only knows. He made it possible for an elderly woman to become pregnant. Jesus walked our earth and then died and came back to life. He made the earth in six days.

I don’t think there is an age discrimination in God’s eyes. I am pretty sure that if he sees fit for me to do something for him, he isn’t going to think, “Gosh, she’s too old now.” He could put me in the presence of a stranger to help make a difference in a life that was pondering on snuffing it out.

He could bring me to someone who is seeking help and needs to see what believing in God can make. He could draw my children and grandchildren closer to God by using me. I am quite a chatterbox. He could place me in a situation where other ears are listening to my words and I could change their day without realizing it.

So although I am sitting here doing really nothing, God can decide to make 2020, the best year ever. I may be walking with stumbles and falls from my Ataxia. I may be disabled and not work outside the home anymore. I may not collect a weekly paycheck, but I am still very much alive today and God will do something awesome with me this year.

We don’t always see the changes coming and when they do, we may not recognize them as they are gradual at first, but believe me, 2020 will be better than a week ago today.

Josh Groban

Josh Groban

I continue to think positive about my day today. The caregiver is bathing Al and I take my daughter’s advice and stash the world away and pray and inspire myself through the music I have come to believe in. I pray for a strong mind and firm look at life today.

 

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Josh Groban

I continue to think positive about my day today. The caregiver is bathing Al and I take my daughter’s advice and stash the world away and pray and inspire myself through the music I have come to believe in. I pray for a strong mind and firm look at life today.

 

 

 

A Day Once Again Has Begun

A new day has dawned. I had 30 minutes all to myself before the caregiver arrived. I washed my face and then stared at the reflection looking back at me. Who was that woman?

I didn’t get any twinkle in the eyes. The mouth was in a neutral position. She stared at me as I gawked at her. I knew her once. I thought I knew her well.

Being a caregiver can make you another person that without realizing it, you suddenly do not recognize. My hair is the same color, but messy. My shoulders are slumped instead of proud.

I looked away as she did too. Putting that face far from my mind, I went into the kitchen and made some fresh coffee. I fed the cat and cleaned the cat box. I can do this without thought, just a motion that has become a habit.

As the coffee perked, I went in and looked on Al. The familiar breathing that we do without thinking, has  changed and I now stare and watch for rhythm. There were no even tones.

What once was smooth has now become sporadic. What was once taken for granted is now always in question. I walked out of his room, positive he is still alive and grab myself a cup of hot coffee.

It taste so good. Hot and fresh, a new cup, like a new day. A new beginning of this thing called life. I sit here and look outside the window as I try to guess what today may bring. Then I see the familiar car pulling into the drive-way. The sound of Rhino, our cat comes to me wanting his first petting of the morning. Life, a mysterious, taken for granted, takes place once again. I take a deep breath as I walk to the door and open it with a relaxed smile on my face. The moment of thought is gone and the day has begun once again.

Life is Not Cut and Dried

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Life is Not Cut and Dried

Today, there were issues with Al’s catheter. I asked the nurse to come out and help me, which she did. After taking his vitals the only change she saw in him is his pulse, or heart beat.

For Al, he has had a heart attack along with Angina. He also has tremors on the inside of his chest wall lining. His heart is probably the weakest of all his organs.

Al doesn’t give the regular cues that doctors and nurses look for in a dying patient. MSA constantly keeps people confused and feeling like they are water skiing or big waves. Yesterday, the nurse said Al was worse. Today she said it could be hours, days or maybe weeks.

All the nurses believe Al is worse. Even I believe he is declining by the day. He has lost so much weight I can see very clearly his hip bones, shoulder bones, his jaw lines. Just about any bone visible to his eye.

But when the nurses come and they check his vitals, they go mainly on what those are for that day. Instead of saying he is an hour to hour, she now said days. I let out a sigh, then instantly felt guilt.

I don’t want my brother to go at all, if, he was in a healthy state. But the daily task of taking care of a person who may follow with his eyes, your body walk through his room or a once in a while whisper is very tiring.

You can pick up Al’s arms and they are like a bowl of jello. His legs are heavier than all get out because they are totally limp. When the body becomes limp it actually feels heavier than ever.

Turning him from side to side is a huge issue and takes a great deal of strength.  He takes liquids through a syringe and is down to about a half a syringe per drink. Food and drink are held at bay and not given unless Al request it. The reason being everything that goes into  his mouth goes directly to his lungs. Aspiration is the worst way to die, and believe me not feeding him as usual makes me feel like a monster. Keeping food and water from him makes me feel terrible.

But I have seen someone aspirate to death and it is an ugly sight to see and for this reason alone, I will obey the nurse for Al’s sake.

When the nurse said maybe days, maybe hours, I just fell apart. I suddenly heard myself telling my girlfriend to go home. Oh I don’t really want her to go home, but I realize she has a husband, dog and grandchildren, plus the comfort of her own bed at night. She has her crafts and friends.

How could I keep her constantly here when there is no real ending in sight. She fought it emotionally for a while but I convinced her to take the break from here. I love her enough to send her home so she can take that break a way from the hell here in this house.

Al’s doctors believe 100% that Al’s heart will just quit. If I have some sort of notice I will make a phone call to my friend, and she will return without hesitation. This is the gift of friendship. I know that nightly she will call. I know she will always be here. We have an understanding of each other. Over 30 years of friendship has built a rock of foundation between the two of us.

So the house is quiet today since she left. The caregiver didn’t show up today so it is Al and me. I am still taking my medication. I am cleaning here at home. I have a window open for the first time to air out the house since it is almost 40 degrees outside. I have enjoyed watching the icicles fall from other homes, and seeing the snow melt from house roofs. It is a sure hint that this winter too shall  pass and once again flowers will pop and bloom and green grass shall show itself once again.

New life will once again breathe and hope will be strengthened in our hearts. For today, I am strong. Today, I have hope for a new life for Al and myself. Tonight or tomorrow may bring a different story as MSA shows it ugly self in so many ways.

Life is not cut and dried. I have learned this through my own experiences and watching this illness take over Al, but for now, I am calm.

QUOTES

WITH CARRYING FAITH, A RAY OF LIGHT WILL IMMERSE FROM THE DARK

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Daily Prompt; But No Cigar

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Tell us about a time things came thisclose to…

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Daily Prompt; But No Cigar

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Tell us about a time things came this close to working out… but didn’t. What happened next? Would you like the chance to try again, or are you happy with how things eventually worked out?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us CLOSE.

This is the story of my life. Almost, could have, should have; and yet I know within my heart, I am where I am supposed to be at this moment.

I almost had the perfect place to live and yet something wasn’t quite right. I still dream of it. I can still see it in my mind. The beautiful land, the friendly people, caring family near by. But at that point, it wasn’t meant to be, but still hoping.

I almost had the perfect long-term marriage. Almost but no cigar. The saying goes if you can remain married for the first five years you have a great chance of success. How about almost 18 years of marriage? What about the best deal and yet mid-life crisis wins.

I almost found the perfect mate in my life. Great looking, kind eyes, good attitude. But the potatoes always fall out of the bag and to find out he was married, spoiled the whole sack.

I have no regrets. I have learned many things. I realize God is using me in ways I don’t always understand. When the moment is right, when all is in place, I will have or recognize that I always was in the right place at the right time.

 

 

 

Look Outside the Box

Life is hard here at home. You all know it by following my blog. I try very hard to find one thing…

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