Pain & Friendship

Pain & Friendship

There are moments we feel alone

And the world is standing still

Everyone is moving

Against our very will.


When pain comes and hits us

We want others to feel it too

We think no one understands it

But we know some really do.


And through the moments we’re frozen

And our heart has swelled in pain

That one person out there

Will stand with you through rain.


Slowly our heart will melt

And the pain will fade a way

But when it again attacks us

That friend will walk with you that day.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd





lights 5 2014


You Have Stripped What Was Left

dark lake photo

My heart is broken

By words you say

What is important to me

Slides by your day

You came from my breath

And I have loved you always

But you show that I matter not

To you in any way

Part of me has just now died

You have stripped my feelings

And you have taken my pride

Terrible thoughts are entering my head

I wonder why I keep trying more

When it is so easy for you

To walk a way and ignore

Mother’s Day is almost here

And you have torn it all apart

My heart is hurting oh so bad

I just want to walk a way and depart.

Terry Shepherd


In The Midst Of The Fog

The fog is rolling

A misty fog hovers

Inside my head

Squeezing out

All the feelings

That I have the

Ability to feel

Some say I

Am so strong

But there are times

When I doubt this

Sometimes what we

Know is good for us

Hurts worse than

When we can hide

Between the fog

And dismiss it

For only one more day

The heart feels

The eyes can see

That life moves

Forward when our

Hands reach out

To stop it

Laughter hidden

Tears can be seen

As the mind soaks

In new words

Taking too long

To digest it seems

It is one stage

At a time that

I must enter

Until it becomes

Perfectly clear

That life must

Not remain the same

That new doors

Will be opened

And others shut

Softly behind

Leaving all pain

To whither a way

Into dust being

Swept up in the

Midst of the fog

Until I can have

Time to understand………

Terry Shepherd


  • Love (
  • Discouraged (
  • Pity (

Picture It & Write

http://ermiliablog.wordpress.compictureitandwrite2copy-1key to my heart

Do you hold the key

To the mystery in the sea?

Can you see deep within

The color of my skin?

Can you read the ball

Tell futures on the wall?

Do you know where I have been

Do you know my past sin?

Can you see within my heart

Did you think we’d  ever part?

Can I look into your eyes

Can I see all of your lies?

Can you feel the hurt inside

That I try so hard to hide?

Do you sense the void I feel

As you drive behind the wheel?

Do you remember the last time

When we went out to dine?

Do you remember when you said

I would be the only one in your bed?

Can you see my hidden tears

Do you sense all my fears?

Do you remember when we said

Our vows when we thee wed?

I can no longer hold on

I want and need you gone.

I take back the key you hold

I must break it in two-fold.

The key which  kept us as two

And  has now come unglued.

A shattered heart I feel

The layers you have peeled.

Please go a way and do not look

I know that now you took and took.

In time I know I will heal thine heart

But first we must become a part.

The key I hold in my hand

I buried it deep within the sand.

Terry Shepherd





English: Replica of a Viking Dagger by Sid Birt

English: Replica of a Viking Dagger by Sid Birt (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is one time I am surely using this posting, blogging thing to try to force myself to stand up. I am crying even as I write, and the events of yesterday are still clinging to me like a wet bathing suit. I have no idea what I am going to place on here for words, I just know that my heart is in my big toe, and I feel like the heart that holds everything in my life as value has been ripped out, stomped on, and shredded into a million pieces.

Surely with the help of getting out what I can for the public eye to read will in long-term help me. Yesterday was bad, terrible, just awful. The law was involved twice for bad behaviors from Al. Humiliation, embarrassment, also showed its presence  and although I never asked for nor invited it, it has stuck my side all these hours.

Al acted up, acted out, showing the bad side of him. We all have bad sides, right? We may not talk about them here for all to see, but deep inside, we each have a tiny bit of us that is bad. We are sinners, according to God, so we have to have a bit of bad. We don’t let others see this if we can  help it, but then there are times that some do not care who is standing by, nor do we care if others are listening.

Words were thrown like daggers, all coming straight for my heart, some actually penetrating me and causing so much pain, I felt my emotional part fall out of me and hit the ground. I have yet to find it, for I believe it is hiding from me, sitting in the background laughing at me.

When you love God and you try to be that good person who your parents would be proud of, and your community, family, and friends would be proud of, you are tested. I often ponder on how many times do I have to prove myself to God that I still love him. I asked God last night what is it that you are trying to teach me, in order for these testings to leave. By the time I closed my eyes, I had outwardly stated, the hell with God, I can not take this any longer.

I wanted to pack my feelings and get in my car and run. I could not do this, the responsible side of me and the love of my brother and my children, kept me attached to my bed the entire night, and it was very hard to climb out of bed this morning, because I didn’t want to have to look at anyone’s face that was even slightly familiar to me.

I was tested and I don’t even know at this moment if testing is the right word I should be using, but what ever it is, I was put through this torture once again later in the evening. When I thought the worst was behind me, and the quietness was finally surrounding me like a home theater system, the daggers came at me once again, but this time they were double-edged daggers because these were shot at me like speeding bullets from people I have loved my entire life as a mother, and I fell to the ground once again, and I saw these strange, familiar faces, kicking my spirit, and trying to stomp the life out of me.

It was so painful. I was rudely awakened to the reality, that the ones you have loved the most, the ones you depend on the majority of time to love you back, to be supportive in ways no others can be, in some circumstances can pass themselves off as strangers walking the streets in my own city.

When you get to be my age, one of the few things you do not want to happen, is to have your past brought back to the present. None of us are proud of some decisions we have made years ago. We make our decisions according to our circumstances we are going through at the moment. Sometimes, we end up making the right choice, and then there are others, we are ashamed of the choice, and somewhere down the road we realize it, and we fix it, but we do not want to be reminded of it in the time of our lives, where our children have grown up and are raising their own families, and we are sometimes forgotten that we exist. What we built our lives around, having babies, and wonderful Christmas and holiday memories, are just that, memories. We try very hard to still find our usefulness in the world, as we sometimes are thought of only at the holidays.

I am not stating this for all of us. Some of us have fantastic lives. We married the right man, we have wonderful children, we put money on hold in the bank, and we travel and enjoy ourselves in our retirements, but then there are others like me, who have not been so lucky.

I truly have tried my very best to do the right things for Al, to be a good mom to my children, and I am constantly fighting to reach heaven’s door. God has heard my prayers of pain and crying out. Praying that he takes my emptiness away, and that the hurtful words and ugly actions I was exposed to, I pray that God can somehow use my experience to help someone else.

Like I said in the beginning, I had no idea what I was going to write, but I do know that I wish a few of you lived closer, because as the Golden Girls always say, I need a group hug.

Al’s Words In My Writing To His Family

English: Two angels

English: Two angels (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tonight after supper, I sat down with Al and told him that I would rather write a letter to his two aunts, telling them what he wants to say. I told him that since my visit with Julie did not go as planned, that this may be the best way to go.

He started to cry. A lot of feelings came to the surface as the first thing that was stated from him, was they do not care about him.

Here is the short note, that I will now place in envelopes and mail tomorrow at his request.



I am writing this on behalf of Alvin Jr.  I have asked him to tell me what he wished for me to say in this letter. This is what he requested. He wanted me to reach out to you. He wanted me to speak on his behalf as he believes he may be nearing death.  Alvin is in the comfort care part of Parkinson’s.  Alvin is afraid you will be surprised when you find out that he has passed on, and this is the reason for this short note. He says,

Tell them that I am sick. Tell them that I have Parkinson’s and I don’t think I have much time left. God has told me my life is almost over.

Tell them that I love them.

Ask them if they still love me


This is what he wanted me to say, and so I have honored his wishes.

Alvin has been making last-minute preparations for his death. He had me take him to the cemetery so that he could speak to mom and dad.

He has had several conversations with God and he believes that God told him that his time is near.

Contrary to what people are saying, thinking, choosing truths or non truths is none of my concern.

Each birthday and holiday that came and went Alvin always cried because he feels no one loves him from the family.

I am not God, but thankfully God has taken me through this journey of caring for Al these past four years. I would not have traded this for anything that is available in this world.

Well, I have stated what he wanted me to state.

Thank you,

Terry Shepherd



As soon as I mail them, I will feel that I have honored Al’s wishes. I don’t know what else I can do for him, but if there is anything else he requests, I will try my best to honor it.

It will be an honor, joy, and privilege, to go to heaven and see Al there walking, running, and smiling, pain-free. We will both never remember these days of struggles, tremors, crying, tears and pain. Even if I go first, I know that I will recognize him immediately upon his arrival, and we shall embrace each other with loving hugs.

It Only Takes One To Tear Down A Wall

WordPress Logo English: WordPress Logo 中文: Wor...

WordPress Logo English: WordPress Logo 中文: WordPress Logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Most of us who blog on here believe in what we say or we research and give facts. Others offer great words of praise and encouragement. There is no one that I have met on here who I think is anything else than nice men and women. No one has stalked me. No one has made great laughter at my words. I have had only one time when someone from out of nowhere made a comment that may have been to wake me up, which was to give my brother up to the system,and go live my life. I admit, at first it hurt a tiny bit, but I brushed it aside, realizing this person didn’t know me personally. I am fortunate to have most of my followers and readers  become close enough to me where  I feel comfortable enough to call them by their first name, some of them I have made short cuts in their names such as Buck. Thanks Buck, for letting me call you this and mentioning you in my blog. There is not one of you that are not christian people, and if you are not, you respect my faith that I carry within myself. I feel truly blessed. WordPress has joined together a community that surrounds me daily. Where once before, it was just me and my thoughts, now I wake up knowing that when I get on the computer, there are people waiting to share with me, support me, and go through my journey with me. Leading up to the point I want to make is my dear friend, Sara.  Sara doesn’t know that I am writing this, and I didn’t think to ask her if this was alright. I hope it is my friend. I am not going to go into any depth about her. If you know her, you know her journey, and if you do not know her, copy and paste the link above, and learn more about her. I believe, and this is my thoughts only, that as followers of God, our job is to spread the word of God. To love they neighbor as thy self. I believe that it is not our place to judge anyone. Only God will do this on judgement day. I may have opinions, but if I can not say something without a promise of support and love following it, then I will say nothing. Who am I, but a mere sinner here on earth. Jesus had to die on the cross to save my soul! I have no right at all to tell anyone if they are right and wrong. I have watched Sara make huge progress, and I have seen a man of faith knock this down with one statement of hurt. She is hurting now and doesn’t know whether to continue with her journey with us or not. I have given her my support, but I can not tell her  to stay or go. I can only have hope. I want to say, I am sorry, Sara. I am sorry for what has been said from someone who follows God, but has decided to take God’s place and judge you today.