#FWF Free Write Friday
Today Kellie has given us permission to just write. To think about what…
Today Kellie has given us permission to just write. To think about what binds us from being the free person we are meant to be.
When I think of this topic and realize my freedom to write what I choose I think of sad things and happy things.
But there is one area in my life that remains a constant shadow. No matter how many posts I write there is one taboo that I write about rarely. I have mentioned this person in the book I am writing called Parkinson’s Journey.
I think I have written about her indirectly but never addressed her in the way Kellie is asking us to do.
Maybe I can do this. It can’t really harm me, maybe it can heal me or put it to rest, at least. The topic is my half-sister, J for short.
This woman is ten years younger than me. She has been given every opportunity by our parents and still has nothing. Where I am day, she is night. Where I abide by the rules, she slides under the ruler.
Her children have suffered and I am sure somewhere deep inside her she is suffering. When we carry extra baggage for so many years and depend on that to excuse us from our own actions, it is time to let it go.
I have been healing through writing and yet she is still in the same rut doing nothing but spinning her tires. So why does she eat my guts up so bad? Maybe there is some sisterly jealousy. I have to smack myself for even partaking in this as I have nothing to be jealous of.
She has touched spots in my heart of people so dear to me. She has tried so hard to destroy me. Although she has not won, her actions still continue to haunt me today. She has caused Al to be afraid. We do not mention her name in our home.
I want to do what I wish and not be afraid of being arrested. I want to grab a hold of her and shake her good. I want to scream at her, stop what you are doing. Change your values. Look at your kids. Look at your life. How can you deny the fact that your own brother is ill? When Al placed me in a position to have to see you face to face it was one of the hardest things I have done in years. But when I told you to your face that Al wanted you to know that he is sick and he is afraid that he is going to die, you screamed and cursed at me to get out. To leave and never come back. You accused me of being a liar, trying to start problems. You said Al is not even sick. When your best friend reached out to you last week begging you to call me to let you know of Al’s health today, you told her no,, no way in hell would you make that call.
I swear, I have given you every chance to come to your senses. To see the world straight, as it really is, to not be blind sighted, but you refuse. There will come a time when you will become broken. When you wake up and see Al laying on a white pillow with his Bible in his hands. When you see that all these months I have been telling the truth, there is a part of me that will snicker and leer at you and through you as you weep for your wrong doings. But the Christian woman in me will not allow me to continue to act in this way. If you do fall down and your soul splits open your chest bone. If you are so sorry and sincere I know that I will reach down and help you up. I will help try to do what God would want me to.
But at this moment, sitting here writing this, things have not changed. Things are rotten in Denmark, as they say, and all I can do is pray that you come to your senses sooner than later. Right now I just want to smack the crap out of you, but I won’t. For my own personal sanity, I will not venture your way. I will stay my distance. If you want to know anything about your sister and brother, you will have to be the one who makes that first step. I am tired of trying.
Pressed Against The Glass
Pressed Against The Glass
I see your face
Pressed against the glass
And I play it over and over
I see your face
Pressed against the glass
And I play it over and over
Again as I lay here bleeding
I can not feel my legs
Not even my arms
But my heart can
Feel you laying
Next to me
That last night
We spent together
And now I lay
Out in the open
Waiting for help
Crying out to you
Hoping you can hear
My words through
The stars that shine
Down on me; my love
If I don’t make it back
Please always know
That I loved you
Until my last breath.
Several nights staying awake too late
Worrying and stressing about your fate
Going back in time to who you used to be
And now seeing this brings tears to me
Decisions we’ve made impact our now
Trying to move forth but do not see how
Wishing and hoping you see the way
Is what I now pray for every day
I hate to see the tough skin you wear
Your feelings are hidden and you do not bare
I remember the softness you once wore so well
Has been replaced by an ugly and now hardened shell
To pretend that others do not exist or walk
Brings harsh words and roughness to your talk
To ignore what is right and do what is wrong
Can only bring sadness intertwined within your song
I pray that you seek the values instilled by me
I ask God to heal your heart and let the anger be
Oh please find a way and try to heal your soul
I wish only good things and this you know
Now I have to stand back and wait
Too see if my prayers are really too late
I will wait on God and watch his plan
To help you see you need his hand.
I went to see my brother today. He knew that I was coming to take him out to lunch. He had been lying down, but when I arrived, he got up and smiled at me. We put his jacket on and took off.
All through lunch, when ever I glanced at him and he at me, he smiled. A peaceful, innocent smile. I was so happy. I had asked God to bring a peaceful lunch and he answered quickly. Thank-you God for answering me so promptly with this request.
He did not want to go any other places so we went back to his facility. I had brought him some surprises, and he had opened the first one, when a strange lady walked in and walked over to us, and looking at Al handed him a clear jar of candy taffy pieces.
She introduced herself as a very good friend of our aunts. When she mentioned the name of the aunt, Al started to cry. Huge tears fell, and he told her to leave and to take her candy with her. This woman refused. She is in her late sixties at least, and neither Al nor I had ever met her. Where was this strange woman’s respect for other humans?
There are many bitter feelings from the past five years, that Al and I carry. I, have forgiven these people, but when their names have come up, the wounded heart comes torn a bit more. Al is different. He forgets nothing about the past, and so he carries his pain as fresh as if his heart was hurt yesterday.
Al asked her to leave once again, and the lady said no. I had sat there observing and listening, allowing my brother to fight his own battle, but when he could not get her to leave, I stepped up to the plate. I hit the ball right to her, asking her to leave, that she was upsetting him, and she placed her hands on her hips, and said,” I would like to see you make me leave”.
Now I am a very compassionate person, but I can also be a mama bear protecting her cub. I stood closer to her and I said again,”Please leave this room now! He has asked you and as you can see, you have him crying”. She would not move from her spot. So I moved her by getting in front of her nose and forcing her out the door of his room. She continued to talk loudly making Al to cry harder, and finally the nurse came forth and told her to leave. Still, she would walk up to his room and stand out in the hall and wave and giggle. I think she was some crazy nut!
I walked back into Al’s room and also one of the aides came in and she and I tried to calm Al down. It took some doing and he calmed down, but it should not have happened in the first place. I have lightly touched on the fact, that our family, what little is left, had abandoned us after our father died five years ago.
I sent letters to some of these people, using Al’s words, do you remember? Back this summer, he thought he was dying, so he had me write these letters. None of these people ever responded. In five years, no one has called, and my number has never changed. No one has ever asked how Al is doing, nothing. Now, they are coming out, but there is no one there to help Al, as I am not there every minute of the day.
I don’t know what these people expect to see or find. When there are hurt feelings, sometimes they are easy to come back to life. We have been having this problem for a couple of weeks now. I hate it, because they know by now that their visits are unwelcome, but yet they come.
The facility is going to start banning people and their names will be on a list of do not enter. I wish it did not have to be this way, but for Al’s sake, there is no other choice. I look at Al as a sick man who is in pain all of the time. He cries a lot already, so why should he have to cry even more by people out of curiosity only. In the end what matters to me is my brother. I can not take the time to consider each person’s motives, I don’t have the time. I will fight to the end to keep people out of Al’s life if this is what he chooses, and he does at this time.
One more thing I may add to this sad afternoon is this; Satan, you heard me ask God for a peaceful lunch with my brother, and you got mad. You decided to send in the army to destroy us. You did hurt my brother. For heaven sakes, the man is slowly dying. Let him alone. Deal with me Satan. I am stronger, and I will chew you up and throw you back to the pits of hell. Leave Al and me alone, we don’t need your help!