What I Wish For
What I Wish For
Sorry friends for not responding back about the meeting. I have done so much walking getting the two bedrooms finished my feet are burning up all the time. It is just going to take time to get back to where they were, I hope.
I went in to see Al during his lunch time. I realized that I am going to need a divided plate for him. I am not sure where I can get a hold of one of these that doesn’t look like a toddler’s set.
He does pretty good eating on one of these. He had Strawberry Ice-cream for dessert. He must have been getting tired from the main course because his tremors were keeping him from enjoying the dessert.
He struggled and the scooping of onto his spoon was hard. He was making a mess so I asked him a couple of times if he wanted me to help him. His answer was no. He could do it himself.
I was telling him that I would need to get a wheelchair here at home and he asked why. I said because you use that and your walker here so I assume you will want both at home. I don’t know how I said it wrong but he got instantly confused. It ended up with him in tears and wanting a schedule of when he would use what here at home.
The lady showed up for his outing so instead of dragging out explanations and seeing more confusion I left. The meeting came next. I took that deep breath and said a prayer and walked in. The three top office people were there.
I first explained the lunch experience to show his lack of comprehension when you are explaining something new to him. I also wanted to prove my point that Al doesn’t use me out of pity. If he did he would have taken the help with the ice-cream.
I went on to explain about the cookie ordeal where he ate all those cookies and no one seemed to notice. I discussed the issues of the nurse on duty and the chaos she caused the day of the nose bleed. I even blabbed about the dirty brief under his bed, the urine stained pad on his recliner along with mashed food in it.
I ended up making my final point by stating I had not brought Al there to be fixed. I told them Parkinson broke Al and we can’t fix it. I explained about how I wanted him to be social here but now the staff didn’t seem to have time for him.
I talked about the instability of Parkinson’s Disease to cause Al to go from good to bad and back several times in one day possibly. The more I talked the more they wrote their own notes. I told them all in all I wanted Al to have calmness during his stay there and for him to feel like he was worthy of speaking to. I told them that how the nurse disciplines her tough love in her own home doesn’t concern my brother in a nursing home.
The Social Services lady persisted with her idea of letting her bring a Psychologist in to see Al. I said absolutely not. I won’t go into the long story of why I refused. This would be another post in its own. I will say that I have had him to five professionals, top-notch and not one has been able to crack that hard shell enabling Al to release all the garbage that has been stored for years.
In fact it turns Al into a wild animal in a cage. It is dangerous and everyone loses in the end. She argued her point about antidepressants and I said that his doctors and I have had Al on almost all of them on the market. They actually turn Al worse. More drooling, worse tremors, it just isn’t good.
He does take one now and has been for a bout a year. I am for helping Al to see things more peacefully. But at the same time he takes so many medications that at this point when you add new ones there are severe side-effects. I have to weigh the pros and cons and right now because of past experiences I had to say no. In fact I had to tell her no three times before she gave it up.
She made me feel like a huge sinner. Well of course I do sin but in this case she made me feel bad for not approving her idea. Once again I explained I want him to continue his wheelchair therapy and his heat therapy. I hope that I made myself clear about his room and the verbal ways that Al deserves to be treated.
I came home and did a little more of the putting odds and ends in the right rooms, but I was tired and my feet hurt so bad. I just ended up going to bed and stayed there all evening. Now here it is almost four in the morning and I am writing this post.
I just hate to go to the grocery store anymore. Believe it or not I used to count around five bags of groceries for about forty dollars a week. These weren’t those flimsy plastic bags either, although I do use them for trash bags too. They were the paper sacks that were filled to the brim, like Folgers coffee, remember the phrase?
So I wish that someone could teach me a few things. I live in an area where I can’t have a garden. But I have heard of planting things in patio pots, like clay pots? What can I plant? When should I buy the seeds and start? What kind of dirt will I need?
Also, I eat too much dairy according to the blood tests. But I can’t take sugars, white, carbs and dairy totally out. What would I be left with to eat? Veggies? Yes, they are good but do I want to live on them on my dinner plate daily? No.
Can I make my one sour cream? If so how do I do it? Can I make my own cream cheese? If so how do I do it? I am just curious. What makes me madder than a hornet’s nest is paying double price for organic foods. To me organic is what I ate growing up. Foods grown in the garden with no chemicals. Now, I have to pay extra to eat the premium health foods. This is why I want to know about the patio veggie plantings.
Can anyone teach me?
Set a timer for ten minutes. Open a new post. Start the timer, and start writing. When the timer goes off, publish.
What? No time to think. A timer set for ten minutes with no preparation? I don’t know if I can do it? Let me think, no I can’t. I must ramble on and hope that this makes sense in the end.
It reminds me of when I go to an interview or maybe when I go to see Al. I know the correct answers. I know how I want to act but will things go my way? What questions didn’t I think of that this person sitting across from me in his gold-rimmed glasses might be going to ask me? What kind of mood will I hit when I walk into Al’s room?
I usually like to have a basic plan when I set out to do something. Whether it is having family here for a meal, or dining out like the book reading today. When I have no plan, do I look like a lost puppy? Do my eyes give me a way? AW look at her, she is lost. She doesn’t know her way around or how to get home.
Nope, I like a plan. Even my tiny suppers here at home have mentally been planned for a day or two. Looking through the cupboards and the freezer. Taking mental note about what is maybe reaching the expiration and getting ready to commit freezer burn needs to be used up.
Today on the way home from seeing Al I stopped at the grocery store. I picked up lettuce, Roman tomatoes, some ground turkey and shredded cheese. Oops wait, I need some taco seasoning too and a cheap bag of taco chips. No wait one more thing, back down the aisles I go again to get the mild salsa.
You see I knew in my mind what I was going to feed myself over the weekend, but I didn’t have the paper list, so I ended up going down those lanes over and over picking up items. If I would have planned on paper also, I would have been in and out of the grocery store in a lot less time.
As I was getting ready to check out, I had to stop at the frozen ice-cream section. I read all of the boxes that said no sugar added. Did you know that these special boxes with less sugars actually have more carbs in them? It is almost better to eat the regular good stuff with a couple of more sugars because they have less carbs.
In the end I didn’t buy any. I told myself that I didn’t need it. I may be too tempted at night when I am watching the television and have a huge bowl of ice-cream instead of the normal size.
Well I have one minute. Now do you get the idea of how scatter brained I can tend to be with no prior plan. If I looked more in detail at my life, I would probably find this fault in other areas also. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t have so much fun going back over the aisles saying hi to even more people.
Well, time is up!!! See ya.
Vanilla, chocolate, or something else entirely?
I am red and white and oh so cold
I come in a cup and if I may be so bold
I do not share what I doeth eat
You will have to get your own sweet treat
I can actually cost a lot
I dig for change and give all I got
I sit in my corner all by myself
Looking as if I am made of wealth
I take a bite and my eyes do spin
I think it’s the lottery I did win
I let it linger on my lips
I know I know it’s going to my hips
I make each bite last oh so long
Inside my head I am singing a song
This is a treat for me today
To ride my bike along this way
To sit here in the booth, just me
This strawberry cheesecake is my cup of tea
Did you figure it out my friends? No chocolate or vanilla for me. It is the Strawberry Cheesecake Blizzard from the Dairy Queen Ice-Cream Shop
I went to see Al today. I arrived during his lunch time, so I sat with him while he ate. No one said anything, but it was hard not to notice, that half of his food was on the outside of his mouth. It seemed like the tremors and the aim of judgement was off a little. He did feel it though and wiped his face off.
He was talking to his lunch mate and he was in a pretty good mood. He had eaten quite a bit in my opinion, but a strange combination also. He had the meatballs from spaghetti, no spaghetti, probably because of choking. He also had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, plus a grilled cheese sandwich and vanilla ice-cream, chocolate milk, white milk, and water. Wow, what a big lunch, and believe me, he ate every bite, and even wiped up the crumbs!
He told me again the story about how he can not go have therapy again, but he did wander into the therapy room this morning, and the therapist said that he could come in and visit anytime he wished. I thought I better check to make sure this was alright, and so I popped my head in and talked to them about what Al had said, and they said yes, he can come in anytime, because his legs are swollen.
They want him to keep his legs up in his recliner, and the nursing staff wants him to walk as much as possible. How do we make both departments happy? I don’t know and hope that they get it worked out.
His heart is being affected, so this is the reason for the swelling, and if you keep your legs down too much, they will swell even more. Al felt better knowing he could go in for help, and so I saw a few more smiles than the day before, which I am trying to forget.
He is going to play bingo tonight and he was looking forward to winning more snacks. He found out that the facility bus takes certain patients out to Wal-Mart once a month, so he is hoping he is going to be able to go the next time the trip is offered.
All in all, it was a good visit. No tears, more chatter. Even with the seriousness of the leg swelling, I was able to put that on the back burner. Some things we can not change.
When Al has days that are full of pain, I try to think of things to get his mind off of the pain, even if it was only for a short time. I took him to Dairy Queen for supper, and he had his favorite blizzard, Reese Cup mixed with Reese’s Pieces. He was surel enjoying it.
While there we ran into a class mate of his that he went to elementary special education with and we all three chatted but Al could not remember him at all.
Outside our window seat we saw this train. Al used to scream bloody murder when he heard trains when he was small, and he also screamed like this when he got his hair cuts. I think these ages were around five or six. Neither of us at that age had been taken out into the public, so the whistles from the trains, and the shears scared him to death.
These are some of the frozen ice-cream cakes Dairy Queen sales. One year, Al wanted one with an old car for his decoration, when we lived in Florida. While we were there getting his favorite treat, I went ahead an ordered one. It was my error for not asking how much it would be. I thought no more than twenty something, but when I went to pick it up, it was over $30.00. I was shocked, and Al was very lucky that I love him, because I would have told them I didn’t want it after all!
We were all finished with supper, and Al had to use the men’s room. I waited and finally he came out. We were almost to the front door, and he says too loudly, I pooped! I don’t have to take any poop medicines tonight.
I am sure my face turned as red as the roof on the building, and I looked at him, and said let’s go. He asked me, what did I do wrong? I said later. We both left and once in the car, I explained for the third or fourth time, that we don’t talk like that about our bathroom business in public, especially at restaurants. He said sorry, he forgot.
Now we are home and he is with his television relaxing, and feeling five pounds lighter.
A few days ago, Al got up in his usual morning routine, and came to sit on the couch, instead of doing his breakfast first. He told me in his exact words, that he had the most excruciating pain he had ever felt in his leg. I looked at it but I saw nothing. He told me that his leg was swollen, but my naked eyes could not take it in. From that moment on, the rest of the few following days have been very sad and depressing for him. He has had pain and more freezing. I talked to the nurse and she said the freezing mode of his legs was causing rigidity in them and the muscles were downsizing and he would feel this pain, but they had him on the best pain medications.
He can have moments of joy, but I see mountains of pain and tears. I had pretty well made up my mind to go ahead and place him for his own sake, not mine. It was a difficult time, processing agony for me, but someone had to do it, and my name was being called by the pitcher.
Have you ever had ideas that you thought were so good, only to have them squished like an ant you step on? This is the way I felt after I talked to the professionals and then confirmed what they had said by googling.
Did you realize that there were new health care plans in effect that have been placed recently that make it difficult to place another person, if money is being held in certain trust accounts? There is, and it is sad.
The law now says that for certain trusts, and there are many that are included, have to be paid back to the state, once the person dies. I will not go into grave details, because it is complicated, and most of you are not involved with placement thoughts in your homes, but in the end product, someone , can be made to pay half of what Medicaid paid out when a nursing home patient passes away.
The thing that bothers me is with the new laws coming into effect, and our President forever changing the health care here, one or more persons, could end up having to fork over monies they don’t have in order to help programs get a refund for what they loaned out.
First of all, I didn’t know we were being loaned money. I thought we paid in through all those little items showing up on our paychecks for years and years, but then, I remembered how in debt our country is and the threats of social security not even being there for ones younger than us is real.
On top of all that, I was given a quote of over five thousand dollars to do all the paper work for the trust to properly make it into a state program.
Did you also realize that once you are admitted to a nursing home or some other type of home, you are sometimes giving up your home and your money assets, and did you know that if the person changes his mind a while down the road, and wants to come home that there are no monies there for further care and help at home?
It is sort of no win situation, unless you are so severely mentally handicapped, that everyone knows there will never be a return home, or you are so elderly, you would also fall into this category.
I have made my final decision to not place, and to hire extra or give more hours to caregivers in order for Al and I to have our breaks in our routines
Last evening, although I saw tears most of the day, he was willing to go out to a drive-thru supper and continue on to a car show here in town. Both went fairly well, except the car show. I got the scooter out and placed together, and got him situated in the driver’s seat, and off he went, but instead of stopping and talking to all of the owners and everyone on the street, he made quick loops around the show as if he was the driver of a race car in a hurry to win. He came back to where I had been relieving my back pain by sitting on a chair, and sat there, tears running down his face for no apparent reason.
I asked him if he was finished looking at the cars and he said nothing. I asked him if he would like to have some ice-cream that was being sold for the event, and he nodded in affirmation. He scooted and I walked over and bought him a nice two-dipper and had it placed in a bowl instead of a cone. We walked back over to my single chair, and I gave him the bowl and spoon, and he sat there, doing nothing. His tremors were acting up, so my heart was bouncing around at each time the bowl tipped to this side and then the other. He did not try to take a spoonful of the ice-cream, that I would have gobbled up, myself, but knowing it was full of sugars, I left it alone.
I asked him if he wanted help with eating it and he nodded yes once again. So I spoon fed him. I had also had to do that for the same day at breakfast. He had waffles and could not cut them up to eat them, nor could he place bites in his mouth. The tears were running down his face as I was feeding him his ice-cream, as I knew in my heart, we were out in public, and he was dying inside of embarrassment from people watching him being fed, although, I did not see anyone particular stare at him or I, and certainly, no one came to our side and questioned either of us why this adult was being fed by someone other than himself.
After the treat was finished and the bowl and spoon were properly disposed of he made no movement, so I asked him if he was ready to leave, and he said yes. He talked! Yes, I am ready to go home.
I am not sure how much he enjoyed this time out, but I do know it was not as much as he used to. I put him in the car, and tore the scooter apart, and we took off for the comforts of his bedroom and his bed, that he is coming to know better each week, as he lies more on it now to watch television.
I have hired a new caregiver for respite care, and I can only hope that she took heed of my words, that I only want someone who is interested in being with Al, and staying long enough to get to know him, and that I will not tolerate excuses of why you can not be here, unless God has called me and told me you have passed on. She is to start Tuesday of the following week for four hours. We shall see how it goes.
Now that I have slept on all of this new information thrown at me, and I see how Al is becoming, I ask for prayers in hiring another caregiver who can give more hours on a daily basis, helping him with feedings and showers . I would love to have a caregiver that will be here for six hours a day, Monday through Friday, the same caregiver who would shower him, help with his feedings, when needed, and to spend quality time with him. I do not like having caregivers with different names for different jobs. Let’s find one who can do it all for Al’s sake of security in one person, and also my sanity when I go to pay the person, and have to keep looking back at the books to see how many hours this or that person worked this week.
I know that many of you pray for Al and also for me, but I am asking for bigger request. One caregiver, who will stand by us and stay with us until everything is in order.
Bonita has honored me with two awards today. One is the Super Sweet Blogging Award. Isn’t the symbol adorable and looks good enough to eat?
Bonita is a Christian woman who seems to be able to do everything, even when she is having her bad days of pain. She writes very inspirational blogs. Make sure to check her site out!
For the Super Sweet Award you must answer these questions:
a. Cookies or Cake?, cookies or cake, as long as they are home made. I usually buy the store bought cake mix that is less sugar and the same for the frosting.
b. Chocolate or Vanilla?, always chocolate, it is a girl’s best friend, next to diamonds!!
c. What is your favorite sweet treat? ice-cream, vanilla with chocolate syrup. I don’t keep it on hands much, because I would never stop opening the freezer door. Al did have an obsession with ice-cream, and we were having it every night. Thank goodness that obsession is over!
d. When do you crave sweet things the most? In the evenings, I hate it! No matter what time we have our dinner, in the late evening I want to snack. I try to snack on proteins, although my mouth is watering for sweets!
e. If you had a sweet nickname, what would it be? quiet girl, it fits me anymore, but it used to be big mouth!!!!
Nominate a bakers dozen:
8 kids and a business
For the Family of Bloggers Award:
Make sure to pay credit to the one who nominated you
Place a link to the one who nominated you on your award page
Tell what attributes you bring to the family, using an anagram of the word FAMILY.
F.- Funny at times
A.- Assistant, always helping someone in need
M.- Mad woman LOL, sometimes I feel like I am going mad!!
I.- Insight, I seem to be able to feel or see what others are trying to express
L.- Loving, I always have plenty of love for others who need it
Y.- Yearning, I always have a yearning to learn more in the medical field, therefore being able to do more for others.
These answers are my own answers. You will need to replace them with your own.
Nominate at least 4 other people to be in your family of bloggers, and for this award, and notify them of their nomination.
Thank you Bonita for both of these awesome awards! God bless.