DON’T QUIT
When illness comes your way
And it interrupts the day
When you can’t say halt
And too weak to shout
You turn to your self
Place the soul on a shelf.
You give a nice speech
Although you wish for a beach
This is the deal
There is no free meal
I’ll fight with my might
Won’t quit even at night
I’ll find the good in each day
Until God takes me a way .
Written by ,
Terry Shepherd
Thanks For Letting Me Blabber On
My friend left this past Wednesday. I did alright, I didn’t fall apart. Even the next day I did…
My friend left this past Wednesday. I did alright, I didn’t fall apart. Even the next day I did good. I did so well I didn’t even need to take the stress reliever medicine. But the next day was Valentine’s Day.
Maybe without wanting to admit it, I felt a little left out of the over-rated love day. All I heard on TV for days was what men were going to buy their sweethearts. Flowers of your choice for any woman’s taste.
All I know for sure is I started sinking inside. With all the snow still lingering and the news of more snow storms coming tomorrow I started becoming sad again.
Yesterday I spent almost all day in bed. I napped off and on, but the sad part I was recognizing was I just wanted to be buried under my covers and as far away from Al’s illness as I could get. I would get up off and on and go check on Al.
He hasn’t been very responsive as of late. The illness continues to leak out of any orifice it can find. His eating is down to about a half of a jar of baby food at a time. His eyes will follow me, especially if I have the blue bowl in my hand. He knows there is ice-cream, well sherbet in that bowl.
We had to take him off of ice-cream and switch him to sherbet as he choked too bad on the ice-cream. The more I looked at him, the more I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything special to make me look better.
I remembered when my friend was here she actually had me rolling my hair and putting make-up back on. I did that too the day after she left, but before I knew it; the desire left.
My girlfriend had been calling each evening and she called my yesterday morning announcing she was returning. She came late afternoon and I was already a tense mess. I was ashamed that I was still in my house robe but yet I didn’t seem to have the energy to actually get dressed or even care.
I had to break down last evening and take one of my special pills again. I was fighting it so hard. I just didn’t want to take it. To me, it is a sign of weakness. Too screwed up to fight these feelings I was forced to lean on the little pills.
I don’t know why I allow or let myself fall into this trap of being so sad and depressed. It isn’t even me that is sick, it is Al. I look at him laying in that bed of his and I think, Wow, look what a trooper he is. Staying in that bed for months and yet he never complains. But here I am; able to walk and move around and I am feeling so low.
I then kick myself in the rear for being such a big baby. How and when did I let his illness become mine? I am my own worst enemy. I take on others feelings as if they were mine. The worst part is no matter what I tell myself I don’t stop. I let myself get too emotionally involved. Maybe it is because he is just not a patient, he is my brother. Yet, I still need that little pill to keep going.
My friend said she will see how Al is, and if there is no change, she will leave Tuesday. It is alright. I can’t tell her what day he will pass. I can only tell her that Al has hours to days as the nurse says and just wait. I realize my friend has a husband and a dog and her life to live. I don’t want her here waiting for something that may not happen when she is here.
Yet, if he passes when she leaves I, well I don’t know what I will do. I imagine knowing me like I do, I will stand tall and carry forth what needs to be done. I won’t break down or have a heart attack, I will do what I have to do.
My mother and friend have always said I am a survivor. Maybe I am, but I feel anymore that if something doesn’t break soon I am going to temporarily go nuts. I have made it for seven years taking care of family, so why now am I not as strong as I used to be. I don’t know most answers anymore, I tend to just go with the flow or hide under my covers.
Al continues to remain but the changes that he is being forced to deal with now are miles from being pretty.
He is now unable to swallow as well as he was last week. Fluids have been decreased in order for him to not die from choking to death. No more home-made pureed foods, only infant baby foods. No more coke, which is just terrible as that has always been Al’s favorite drink.
He has blisters on his feet. He had a goose size blister on his head which drained this morning. At any time he remains to develop new blisters. The illness is battling against me and his body.
It is determined to come outside of his skin and so gloves and any protection we have available is used at all times. Things are ugly, just plain ugly.
But you know me, I have to find something good about each day. The one good thing is that Rhino jumped up on Al’s bed one time, so I hurried and took his picture. Then I found ice on the trees, and I don’t remember what else, but here are the photos. Oh, I remember my friend who is staying with me made me a pink scarf to go with my new vintage pink purse.
I also want to thank all who have helped with Al’s funding for his tombstone.
Dragging The Line
Dragging The Line
Every minute passes
Hours go by then days
Wishing, praying and hoping
God will…
Dragging The Line
Every minute passes
Hours go by then days
Wishing, praying and hoping
God will come some day
Watching his eyes open wide
Seeing his smile fade a way
Silence fills the room
As I watch the dragging line
Sleep comes more often
Food comes even less
My heart just crushes
As I see this illness
Just dragging his line
Sitting in his chair
Watching his chest rise
I feel a cold shiver
As I see the dragging line
One day he will find peace
And I will once more smile
But for now the minutes tick by
As I watch the dragging line go by.
Written by,
Terry Shepherd
01.14.2014
I Can Feel It Coming
Right now I feel like I am going to throw up. I feel faint. I feel sick inside. Now to most of you,…
Right now I feel like I am going to throw up. I feel faint. I feel sick inside. Now to most of you, you may think this is not really a big deal, but to me and Al it is a huge big issue.
Not only has this illness stripped him of all of his independence. Fluids have now begun to fill his eyes, nose and his leg is seeping. His hands are swollen and moist.
One of his favorite shows it Storage Wars which is one right now. He just asked me to turn it off. All day he has eaten very little. He has been more quiet this afternoon. This evening he started complaining of having a sty in his eye.
He doesn’t have a sty. The nurse said today this is part of his process of dying. Fluids are filling up and now they have taken a way the only thing he had left, that he enjoyed. The last thing that he counted on.
TV has always been his best friend. A way to escape his dad and issues of the world. I just can’t do this. I am not strong now. I can’t stand by and just watch him fill up with fluids until he drowns.
Oh Lord please help me and Al, please help. My stomach is churning. Where do I turn to, where do I go from here………….
Go ahead MSA, take it all. Take all Al ever had in his life. His movement, his independence, his vision, his enjoyment in life, take it all.
The Hospice nurse just dropped off supplies and she took a look at Al from me telling her about the TV. She said he may be here this weekend.
A Nice Surprise
After two days of mainly crying from Al I got the nicest surprise tonight. I walked in to change…
After two days of mainly crying from Al I got the nicest surprise tonight. I walked in to change him and put him in bed and he looked up at me and smiled. He smiled. My heart jumped or skipped a beat. It is amazing that such a tiny thing can boost my spirits up so high. Now I will be greedy and hope I see one in the morning also.
M.S.A. you suck you know
You put my brother to an all time low
You take from him what he has had
You have made him feel so terribly bad
You have chewed him up and left a hole
You have even left him with no goals
I detest you, and I even hate your name
You never played fair, to you this was a game
I know there is no cure for right now
But I promise you will vanish, this I vow
For others you have sneaked in and made your home
But some day soon you will be all alone
For some are working long, long hours
And soon us humans will have the power
To cheer to jump to smile and scream
For finally we have realized our dream.
Written by,
Terry Shepherd
Oct. 18, 2103
Who I am 