Cried me a River

Each day of this pandemic has set me back health wise. I think it was beginning to do this a few weeks in but I ignored it; mainly because I thought this will be short lived and I can endure it.

I was suddenly thrown into a category of unexplored waters. Winter was here which I despise the older I get, plus the lock down began and continued on even to present. I became inactive.

Oh, of course at first, there is the salient holidays. The busy time of year where you go away from yourself in thought and think of others. The holidays are over and here in Indiana, the freeze and snow kick in for the next several months.

With my age and health concerns, being allowed out of my cage for any purpose other than food or medical, there was nothing much to do with myself. I like a neat and tidy home, but come on people, how many times per week do we want to run that sweeper and dust or how about cleaning that toilet?

Weeks turned into months and I really wasn’t consuming much more food than I was prior the pandemic, I just wasn’t getting any exercise to help keep me at my same weight. I have gained some too.

Each week I weighed myself, I saw a pound increase. I would tell myself, that I will watch more closely what goes into my mouth. I began to find myself hiding in the darkness and actually getting used to it.

I would think about taking my walker outside and walking the boring path of our parking lot. I didn’t though. I had great excuses. It was too cold or it was snowing or raining or I didn’t feel the best. Each of these were true but I would use them to my advantage also.

No, I am not beating myself up but rather telling myself the truth. I have to read this back don’t I? So at this point, I have crossed my own mental goal evidently, because as I looked at those scales, I actually cried this morning.

I cried not only for the weight gain; I cried for the loss of my life, or what I thought I had lost. I couldn’t control anything it seemed, not that I am a control freak, but maybe I am over my own self.

I cried at the loss of not being able to speak to my parents nor grandparents. I cried over the loss of my brother and I cried over the gray, dreary days. I even cried over the pandemic. I cried me a lake and I was the only one swimming. I cried at seeing people rarely. I just cried.

I actually believe I am depressed. I somehow let myself slip into this black puddle with or without realizing it. It really doesn’t matter the reason I guess, what matters is I recognize it. I think it is seasonal depression.

The lack of sunlight, the dreary cold and rainy days. I have spent too many times wishing I lived elsewhere. I have even dreamed of using my walker and going for a walk in November. So now that I know, what do I do?

I actually watched some U-tube videos on chair exercises for Senior citizens this morning, but I didn’t do anything about it. I actually used that dreary and misty morning not to do it. I have to though. I can’t keep being sad and gaining weight. It could cause more health issues.

I miss people, this is for sure. I am a big people person and here where I live; I spend mainly alone. I don’t think I am my own best company during long periods of time. As I finish this post, I am telling myself, the weather is changing this afternoon. It will be warmer and some sun for a change and the weatherman said no more really chilly days. This gives me hope to change things.

Have you or are you going through any of my feelings? Is it the pandemic causing this? I already have an anxiety medication to use when I am anxious or stressed, but I didn’t think I needed it. I am actually pretty calm. Is that crazy or what? If you understand any of what I have said, how did you handle it?

A few things to keep in mind if you comment may be, I can’t drive very far because of my beater car. I can walk only with my walker and volunteering at this point is not an option because of the virus. Are these excuses too? Wow, maybe I am weird. Oh, by the way, I did a positive thing this morning. Instead of remaining in slippers and PJ’s, I got dressed. I asked myself, what for, but then I ignored that question and got dressed anyways.

A Sign of Spring Here in the Midwest

Today, March 23, 2014. It is 6:31pm. The temperature is 27 degrees. It is sunny and cold.

I was sitting here eating some cooked chicken without the bone and some cheese slices for my supper. I had cheated earlier and had one of those Reese’s Easter eggs, so I needed to eat protein to keep my sugars in line. I was looking out the window wishing for warmer weather when I saw the sign of Spring. I was always told by my parents that these beauties will not come here until they know for certain they will not starve from lack of finding food through too much snow. I smiled as I knew, we too here in the Midwest would also warm up very soon.


Is That Snow?

It’s getting hard enough to have all my hours available filled here at home to help with Al; but when the snow decides to interrupt and make things worse I just want to say grrrrr.

We had a winter storm warning in effect as of two in the morning. We were to get five to nine inches of new snow. I had just been able to see the rocks surrounding the fire pit outside and poof, it is gone.


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Is That Snow?

It’s getting hard enough to have all my hours available filled here at home to help with Al; but when the snow decides to interrupt and make things worse I just want to say grrrrr.

We had a winter storm warning in effect as of two in the morning. We were to get five to nine inches of new snow. I had just been able to see the rocks surrounding the fire pit outside and poof, it is gone.

Now beautiful, white, heavy snow lay all around. I have to admit I was lucky to not have to go out in it today. I will say seeing it on the tree branches was a sight to be admired. It did keep my caregiver from being able to come in today.

She lost power at her house. We lost power at our house.  Thankfully with Al’s illness, the use of oxygen and an air mattress placed us on the do first   to get power back on. Al just didn’t understand why his TV would not come on.

I played his favorite movie The Christmas Story. He wasn’t too happy that I was playing it at a time that was not bed time. This is where Al’s mental challenge comes in play. He is very routine and doesn’t understand changes.

Luckily we had power within the hour. The nurse from Hospice did come. There obviously is some internal damage from having to pull his old catheter out. She inserted some medication and as soon as she left he told me, ” I have a stinger in my tool.”

Now friends, I get it. Al is mentally challenged, but he is my brother. Every time he talks about his manhood and calls it his tool, I get so embarrassed and I can feel my cheeks blush. I guess I just have to get through this part and see that he was able to tell me where his pain was. I just pray that this injury does heal and when he needs a catheter change, we don’t have a replay from two days ago.

With the medications to make Al comfortable it wasn’t long before he was asleep. Hopefully, the stinging went a way. There is always an emotional battle giving Al his medications. It puts him to sleep and he doesn’t feel pain, but I am the culprit placing the medications. I guess we caregivers do what we have to do in order to bring patients to a comfort level. Nurse’s orders as they say, follow them.

It has been a quiet day per say. When no one is here I am forced to sit or get off my fanny and do something. I got up and cleaned. The house smells good. Everything is put a way. It is seven-thirty and it is still day light out thanks to the day light savings time. There is still some wind blowing. I am sure there is some drifting snow on the county roads.

I am just sick of this winter. I want to fly south like a bird and sit up at the top of a tree branch and sing to my heart’s content. I want to feel the warm breeze. I want some sun on my face. I want freedom from the house. Is this asking too much? I don’t think so. I think there are many of us here in the midwest that are as anxious for warmer weather as me. Tonight we are going to have a low of four below zero. More water dripping from the faucets. I heard from the weatherman that there could be some snow Saturday. It better be light snow, this is all I can say. Here are a few photos I was able to get today without being able to get outdoors.

snowsnow 3snow 2