A Stress Day Made Me Do This


I saw these things on my Facebook, so had to share with you.

I almost peed my pants reading this. !!!!

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship.

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A Stress Day Made Me Do This


I saw these things on my Facebook, so had to share with you.

I almost peed my pants reading this. !!!!

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30” she said
proudly. “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good”, said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next.”I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Debbie”,said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467”, he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes”, said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes”, echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make so much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town”, said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip
& Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”

“They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog poop’!”

“Then I would say, ‘It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’ I used the
President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks
good, telling you it’s free and then making you pay to get the bad taste
out of your mouth.”

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

 

Best Presidential Joke of the Year

President Obama walked into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”

Cashier:
“It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?”

Obama:
“Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!”

Cashier:
“Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd /Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.

Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier:
“I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Obama:
“I order you to cash this check!”

Cashier:
“Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing. I don’t have a clue what to do.

Cashier:
“Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

 

Subject: Fw: Honesty and where it will get you” this will make you smile<<

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…

 

This Really Is Not Dirty, But Rather Innocent!


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Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones,

They began to chat..
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the
better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said,
‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’
Pointing to the bowl.
‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’

 

Thank you Shona!

English: Hammond Organ model L-112

Old Age


Because I can vision the light at the end of the tunnel, I had to post this from a funny that was sent to me. Thank you Shona!!

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Care Home?”

“Well,”  he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the  bathtub.”

Bathtub




“Oh, I understand,” I  said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”