Josh Groban


Josh Groban

I continue to think positive about my day today. The caregiver is bathing Al and I take my daughter’s advice and stash the world away and pray and inspire myself through the music I have come to believe in. I pray for a strong mind and firm look at life today.

 

flower blooming

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Josh Groban


I continue to think positive about my day today. The caregiver is bathing Al and I take my daughter’s advice and stash the world away and pray and inspire myself through the music I have come to believe in. I pray for a strong mind and firm look at life today.

 

 

 

flower blooming

A Day Once Again Has Begun


A new day has dawned. I had 30 minutes all to myself before the caregiver arrived. I washed my face and then stared at the reflection looking back at me. Who was that woman?

I didn’t get any twinkle in the eyes. The mouth was in a neutral position. She stared at me as I gawked at her. I knew her once. I thought I knew her well.

Being a caregiver can make you another person that without realizing it, you suddenly do not recognize. My hair is the same color, but messy. My shoulders are slumped instead of proud.

I looked away as she did too. Putting that face far from my mind, I went into the kitchen and made some fresh coffee. I fed the cat and cleaned the cat box. I can do this without thought, just a motion that has become a habit.

As the coffee perked, I went in and looked on Al. The familiar breathing that we do without thinking, has  changed and I now stare and watch for rhythm. There were no even tones.

What once was smooth has now become sporadic. What was once taken for granted is now always in question. I walked out of his room, positive he is still alive and grab myself a cup of hot coffee.

It taste so good. Hot and fresh, a new cup, like a new day. A new beginning of this thing called life. I sit here and look outside the window as I try to guess what today may bring. Then I see the familiar car pulling into the drive-way. The sound of Rhino, our cat comes to me wanting his first petting of the morning. Life, a mysterious, taken for granted, takes place once again. I take a deep breath as I walk to the door and open it with a relaxed smile on my face. The moment of thought is gone and the day has begun once again.

new day

Thanks For Letting Me Blabber On


My friend left this past Wednesday. I did alright, I didn’t fall apart. Even the next day I did good. I did so well I didn’t even need to take the stress reliever medicine. But the next day was Valentine’s Day.

Maybe without wanting to admit it, I felt a little left out of the over-rated love day. All I heard on TV for days was what men were going to buy their sweethearts. Flowers of your choice for any woman’s taste.valentinered rose

All I know for sure is I started sinking inside. With all the snow still lingering and the news of more snow storms coming tomorrow I started becoming sad again.

Yesterday I spent almost all day in bed. I napped off and on, but the sad part I was recognizing was I just wanted to be buried under my covers and as far away from Al’s illness as I could get. I would get up off and on and go check on Al.

He hasn’t been very responsive as of late. The illness continues to leak out of any orifice it can find. His eating is down to about a half of a jar of baby food at a time. His eyes will follow me, especially if I have the blue bowl in my hand. He knows there is ice-cream, well sherbet in that bowl.

We had to take him off of ice-cream and switch him to sherbet as he choked too bad on the ice-cream. The more I looked at him, the more I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything special to make me look better.

I remembered when my friend was here she actually had me rolling my hair and putting make-up back on. I did that too the day after she left, but before I knew it; the desire left.

My girlfriend had been calling each evening and she called my yesterday morning announcing she was returning. She came late afternoon and I was already a tense mess. I was ashamed that I was still in my house robe but yet I didn’t seem to have the energy to actually get dressed or even care.

I had to break down last evening and take one of my special pills again. I was fighting it so hard. I just didn’t want to take it. To me, it is a sign of weakness. Too screwed up to fight these feelings I was forced to lean on the little pills.

I don’t know why I allow or let myself fall into this trap of being so sad and depressed. It isn’t even me that is sick, it is Al. I look at him laying in that bed of his and I think, Wow, look what a trooper he is. Staying in that bed for months and yet he never complains. But here I am; able to walk and move around and I am feeling so low.

I then kick myself in the rear for being such a big baby. How and when did I let his illness become mine? I am my own worst enemy. I take on others feelings as if they were mine. The worst part is no matter what I tell myself I don’t stop. I let myself get too emotionally involved. Maybe it is because he is just not a patient, he is my brother. Yet, I still need that little pill to keep going.

My friend said she will see how Al is, and if there is no change, she will leave Tuesday. It is alright. I can’t tell her what day he will pass. I can only tell her that Al has hours to days as the nurse says and just wait. I realize my friend has a husband and a dog and her life to live. I don’t want her here waiting for something that may not happen when she is here.

Yet, if he passes when she leaves I, well I don’t know what I will do. I imagine knowing me like I do, I will stand tall and carry forth what needs to be done. I won’t break down or have a heart attack, I will do what I have to do.

My mother and friend have always said I am a survivor. Maybe I am, but I feel anymore that if something doesn’t break soon I am going to temporarily go nuts. I have made it for seven years taking care of family, so why now am I not as strong as I used to be. I don’t know most answers anymore, I tend to just go with the flow or hide under my covers.

Change


Hello my friends. Yesterday and last night Al was pretty calm. He is getting so many temperatures that we now use Tylenol on a regular basis starting after supper. The right side of  his face continues to swell, almost completely closing his one eye.

The nurse was here yesterday and the one caregiver who comes twice a week. Both stated that Al has had a large decline since last Friday. We are now holding down to a minimum his liquids and foods.

He eats one jar of baby food and a couple sips of liquid. He is silently aspirating so anything he eats or drinks goes directly to his lungs instead of his stomach. The nurse explained how the food and liquids are actually making him worse at this point.

I don’t carry any hope anymore for Al’s health. All that ends up happening is that I get more sad. For Al there will not be a cure in time and I finally came to the decision that I was hurting myself by believing something that wasn’t there.

Change

The sun is bright

The air is cold

A foot of snow

The winter so bold

 

Inside my heart

It’s warm and beats

One look at Al

Makes my knees so weak

 

There are some times

I feel so strong

But others I feel so weak

And some the days so long

 

I need to breathe

In brand new air

The illness has to leave

So my soul I dare to bare

 

One day I know

I will awake

And life will start to change

I will feel so out of range

 

Al will be gone

And I will feel

My tears will weep

But we both will heal.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

02.11.2014

lake shadows

 

Daily Prompt; BYOB(ookworm)


http://dailypost.wordpress.com, #DP, Daily Prompt

Write the blurb for the book jacket of the book you’d write, if only you had the time and inclination.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us BOOKS.

In the beginning was the word and the word was God. God made and commanded that we follow the Ten Commandments.ten commandments

Today is January 24th, 2014. From the time the Bible was written until today, there have been many changes. Changes in interpretations. Changes in thinking. Morals, respect, people helping people; so many changes.

There have been discoveries in medical miracles, technology in electronics, more college opportunities, and yet fewer jobs.

More live on the government today than ever before. Those with job security are now pondering how they are going to survive through the golden years. Cutbacks have affected every age group.

If any of my words have hit home with you, please open the first page of my book and learn how you can ride peacefully through the storm. Let some of the past rules of life become your present. Feel the peace fall over you as you rest your head upon your pillow each night.

From the first page to the last, this book will enlighten you, refresh you and allow you to view the world in a different light. The world has changed, and we have followed it with confusion. Follow me and hopefully you will say on the last page, I am glad I bought this book.