A Speeding Bus
On this post I am not going to beat myself up as my friends say to me. I do want to try and fix my…
A Speeding Bus
On this post I am not going to beat myself up as my friends say to me. I do want to try and fix my…
On this post I am not going to beat myself up as my friends say to me. I do want to try and fix my problem. So what better place to go to get the help I need. I start my mornings rushing. The first thing I try to do is give thanks to God that I have one more day to cherish. I look outside to see the weather so I know how to dress.
I make the coffee. Before I get Al up I feel that I must clean the cat box. Sweep up the kitty litter so I don’t get it on my feet. Sometimes if I think about it I will wear socks upon getting out of bed. But then again, I will transfer it from my socks to the carpet. I try to make my bed. Feed the cat. Wash up and brush my teeth, get dressed.
By now I am getting tired because I still have to get Al up. So I race into his bedroom. I get him up. Take him to the bathroom. Scrub-a-dub him and dress him for the day. Shave him and then take him to the kitchen table.
I try to smile and ask politely what he wishes for breakfast, then I start that process. After his second or third bite I give him his medications. I try to force myself to sit down with him and smoke a cigarette and drink one cup of coffee. The problem is while I am sitting my mind is racing about what can I really be doing instead of sitting.
Before I put Al on the bus I have beds made and kitchen floor swept, dishes down, laundry is getting ready to be placed in dryer. On Thursdays like today, I have already changed both beds and it is washing.
Once he leaves I come in and take my own medications and eat my breakfast. Then I sit down to the computer or meet with Hospice. Maybe get groceries. I have to get groceries on Thursdays or Fridays. It is too hard to take Al to the grocery store so I feel like I have to get that done. Medication boxes need to be refilled.
Trash is constantly being gathered. I try to get out in my yard to do some yard work, but that doesn’t happen often. I think about the days I could go see my friend two hours a way but something always comes up.
Just sitting here reading what I have read makes me tired. A few hours after I have been up I want to take a nap. Sometimes I do, but not much. I will try to take a nap in the afternoon so I can be ready to tackle the evening when Al comes home.
What did I enjoy through the day? Not much really. It sucks, it stinks and I don’t know how I got this way. But, in real truth, I don’t know how to stop. I guess I want everything perfect. I want everything to run perfect. I want to prepare myself as much as I can for what ever may happen in the evening.
I even lay Al’s clothes out for the next day early today. That is crazy crap. No time for shopping usually. I have wasted it being to prepared. Prepared for what? A fire, tornado, break in, what?
How do I stop this? I really do believe in the words, slow down and smell the roses.
I seemed to rough today, you may be saying to yourself. I didn’t ask the normal questions that I used to do. Instead I explained he was asleep and dreaming. He told me he was asleep, but someone knocked at his door, and it was God standing there when he opened his eyes, but yet he tells me he was awake when this happened. I guess you can take it as you wish. He was asleep and dreaming all this, or he was asleep and woken up and therefore awake for the conversation. I, personally, am not going to challenge this area, as I am still too tired.
We had a busy day yesterday, because of this photo. We got a new kitty. A female calico, whom we named Cali. She is six months old and very ornery. She had lived outside most of her life, and so training for indoor use of a kitty box was a challenge. The first night we had her, she slept at the edge of my head until five in the morning, then she woke up. I brought her out to the living room where for the millionth time, I tried putting her in her kitty litter box, but each time I placed her there, all four legs went spread eagled and all claws came out. She didn’t go, but instead, chose to go in another area.
At five in the morning, I was not a happy camper! I stayed awake for some time, as she was ready to play, and I wasn’t. She was hungry, and I was not. We had purchased some kitty toys, which she played with for about an hour. My sleep headache kicked in. I hate these headaches, because the only thing that cures them is sleep.
She played and I cleaned up her mess. Finally, she settled down and I laid on the couch, but she didn’t want me to lie down. Instead she chose to jump all over me, and kiss my nose, and purr in my ear. Her play continued once again, and when she finally settled for her morning nap, and I was about asleep on the couch, a half an hour later, Al was up.
Up I go, and get medications ready and help with breakfast, while that ornery little Cali, lie napping on the couch, that was once claimed mine. As soon as breakfast was over, the shower girl appeared. I had not even had time to get dressed, or maybe I was too tired to dress, but either way, I greeted her in my P.J.’s.
After she left, I laid down on the couch and Al watched television, the cat napped and played, and I slept. It was nice, but I felt so drugged out once my nap was over, because either my age or my body was telling me that it was out of its zone, that I had slept too late.
The rest of the day was spent outside in the shed, cleaning it out, and building a new shelf area, because I can’t quit buying new things I think the yard needs or my son adds his items to the shed, so we needed more space. I also kept putting Cali in the litter box, off and on all day, because I was determined to win this game. She was going to use the litter box or else!
My son and his family was here most of the day, and we grilled out brats and hamburgers on the grill and made some pasta and vegetables for side dishes, for our supper. After all clean up was done, I came into the living room to pick up the darn kitty and try once again, but I was in shock, because she, herself, was climbing into it just as I was going to pick her up and try again. She went! All by herself!. I was so thankful, I was thanking Jesus right there in front of everyone. I didn’t care, who saw or heard me, she was trained!
My son and his girlfriend left for a while, and I watched the boys while Al watched his TV and the boys played. As I was watching them , I noticed how dirty they were from being outside so much, so I gave each of them a bath. I fortunately had clean swim trunks of the oldest boy’s here, so he put those on, but I had no clean clothes for the little one, so I tied one of my sleeveless tank tops in a criss cross direction at the shoulders and slipped this on him. To me, he looked so cute, but his mom said what???? is that???? when she got back, and I explained the bathing, and you can change him to boy clothes when you go home.
By the time they left, it was late, Al was tired, the kitty had been worn out from play. I took a shower and we all went to bed, even the kitty climbed back up on the edge of my head and slept all night until five this morning. This time I didn’t get up, because I knew she knew the kitty box. My sleep wasn’t that good afterwards, although I never got out of bed with her, but she decided she needed to let me know she was awake, by bouncing and playing all over the bed, after she pottied and ate.
I ignored her and rolled over and through the waves of the bed bouncing, I went back to sleep. I was woke up to Al saying, it’s time. Yep, I had over slept once again. I jumped out of bed, and glanced at the living room floor and it was clean. Cali had done a good job!
I got Al’s medications ready and helped him with breakfast. He needed help with his vitamin this morning from his tremors. Yesterday, the tremors seemed fairly calm, but this morning, they were full force.
I grabbed a cup of coffee and just sat here at the computer desk, looking around at the house, which to me was a disaster. Kitty toys everywhere, kitty litter on the floor. Spills under and around the table last night from Al and the two boys eating. I had to clean up, but I was still tired.
Al is having a very difficult time eating, and it took him quite some time to finish his breakfast, but about three-fourths way through his eating he tells me that God knocked on his bedroom door, and that God came over to his bed and sat down, and told him it is time.
This brought tears and it is also was when that little bit of roughness came over me. I have heard it so much, that in my heart, I assume that is was another one of his dreams, so I just said calmly to him, you were dreaming bud, but he didn’t buy it, and I didn’t want to argue, so as he told his story, I drank my coffee and smoked my cigarette, and didn’t offer any words to him. I am not going to try to prove him or me right or wrong, what’s the use? He is still sitting here, breathing, crying and eating, so it isn’t time right this moment.
I can’t keep doing it! I can’t keep getting myself all worked up thinking that each word he says about how God visits him, I go to pieces, thinking I am going to lose Al at anytime! Watching him more than I needed to. It makes me stressed more than usual, and I don’t need this, and neither does he.
I sat down here to start this story, and got the first four words on paper, and I hear him come out of his bathroom, and ask me to wash his back. I said sure, and got up and went to his bathroom to help him. His body was covered in heavy sweat, which is beginning to be a normal thing for him daily for about an hour after he rises, so I washed him all down and powdered his back and chest. I put his deodorant on him and placed the toothpaste on his toothbrush.
I looked at his room, and chuckled to myself. It doesn’t matter how much Al sweats, or how many tears are falling, or whether God came to him or not, he doesn’t budge from his routine.
There in his recliner, sat a pile of coca cola items, leaving him no place to sit. He had taken his dirty sheets off and they were lying on the floor. It is Thursday!, changing sheet day. Time for me to get to work on his room.
I placed my thoughts on hold, went in and moved all the coca cola items away from his bed so I could get in around the bed to make it with clean sheets. Al was standing in the doorway hanging onto both sides of the door frame, waiting for me to finish. When I was finished, he made his way to his recliner, and neatly placed each collection item back on the edge of the bed, so he could study them through out the day.
There is one piece that our dear friend had sent him in the gift box last month, and it is a Christmas, coca cola ornament. I have the baby monitor system so that I can hear him if he yells for me, and each night as I lie down to go to sleep, I hear a Christmas song being played, coming over the monitor. Al took this ornament, that he treasures so much, and placed it on the very top of his pile on the bed, and nearest to him, so he can play it through out the day.
We go through many changes in one day here, but Al’s routine never changes even through the tears, and visions and pain he endures. I chuckled again as I walked out of his room, amazed at what this man can endure, but yet keep his mind cemented to. I am now sitting here writing this. Al is watching television and I hear a bell in the background, letting me know that Cali is not napping yet. After I am finished, I will begin to clean the house up once again for the day.