Three Dog Night, One

Three Dog Night, One

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Odd

Some days I just don’t know what is wrong with me. Today is one of them. For the last two hours I have been reading posts and writing my own but……..underneath it all I am on the verge of tears. I feel heavy in my heart with sadness. I have no idea why.

I have sat here a few times and looked in the mirror and plastered a smile on my face but it doesn’t look like me. I had a good day, a little mind-boggling but good. So what is my deal? I have the most wonderful blogging friends. I have great kids, but yet I feel so empty and alone tonight. I even have my American Idol on and very oddly for me I am not following it like I usually do.

I thought if I spit this out and read what I wrote I would see the problem, but I still don’t.

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A Memory

Remembering days gone by

When under a weeping willow tree

I played with dollies, just them and me.

Parents surrounding my entire world

Friends calling to come out and play

Life was good and all was going my way.

Now I look back at what I had

And treasure the moments gone by

As I sit here alone with tears in my eyes.

Parents pass into the heavenly realm

Changes we do not ask for come upon us

Some of them hitting like a big  giant bus.

Holidays are coming and some sit all alone

Remembering good food and love everywhere

Wanting so desperately to be needed and share.

I wish I could go back and change that big clock

And hear mom and dad’s  voice just one more time

Waiting to see Santa, just waiting in line.

People come and go out of our lives

A few who drift in stay your whole life through

Now the holidays are here, and I’m longing for you.

Terry Shepherd

11/17/2012

 

 

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Scales Unbalanced

I am sad right now, and I have no reason to be sad, right? I have set the scales on the table, and spread my feelings on them. I am trying to sort my feelings out and get my act together. I have been down and out for about four hours now, and I hate myself for being this way.

On one side of the scales, I have God, many friends here at WordPress, food on the table, roof over my head, bills are paid, health is not too bad, too heavy though, but I could change that and I ignore it.

On the other side of the scales, sits sadness, alone, lonely, mom and dad are in heaven, four hours a week to get out of this house, no job, don’t see my kids enough, but I could change all this, only by making choices.

It all started on Friday. I was feeling so many feelings. Upbeat, nervous, anxious, excited, kiddish. I had these feelings continue all day Friday and Saturday, and until early afternoon today on Saturday.

I had a phone call Friday. Someone from my past, years and years ago in school, was wanting to pay me a visit. I was flabbergasted, I was so excited, but the closer the time came, the more nervous I got until I had butterflies flying in my stomach big time.

The visit came, the talk was picked up like the last time I had seen this person, and before I knew it, the visit was over.  Sadness kicked in out of south field, bringing me down to the bottom step of a high-rise.

I started questioning myself. Yep, I sure did. This visit was a reminder of one of my most happiest times of my life, and I wanted it back again. I wanted the desires of being  special to someone once more. I wanted someone’s arms wrapped around me once again. I wanted to be held, comforted, I wanted to have the weight lifted from my shoulders of carrying my responsibilities by myself.

I know the words, I have them memorized. God will show you someone when the time is right. Trust God. I have been waiting for five years, and after today, I wondered why I am alone.

Someone mentioned earlier tonight, that they want to see my peacock feathers spread. To tell you the truth, I don’t know how to spread myself. I can spread money and make it last. I can spread myself to bring hope to others. I can spread my heart wide open to anyone needing loved or comfort, but I can’t spread my feathers, because I have no idea who or what it is that I am to spread.

When people ask me about who I am, my first response is a caregiver. I take care of ill people. This is where God has placed me. Other than that, I don’t know.
Right now, even though this sounds like a huge pity party, it is actually going to heal me to be where I was once before. I will go on. I will keep working with my brother. I will place desires of wanting someone to want to spend their life with me, and I will forget about today and the feelings that came to surface. No, not talking about sex, talking about being needed and wanted. To have someone look into my eyes, and see their love for me. Don’t get me wrong, nothing happened today, but wonderful talk, and visits to memory lane, but it brought to surface my hidden desires.

In reality the scales are out of balance, I can see. I have everything I need, just as God hath promised, but my desires and needs of the heart are still empty. Why can’t I just be satisfied with what I have.

Now hopefully, as I read this over and over, I will sit back and laugh at what a fool I was acting like. Loads of people live alone and love it. I just don’t happen to be one of those, but I will survive, right?

This Is For Tilly

http://thelaughinghousewife.wordpress.com

I found a suggestion in my comments from Tilly to write a poem about Cali, our kitten, so I

will give it a try.

 

Silence can be so heavy

With only a television box

Hearing my brother’s tears

And darning his old socks.

Aging process moving along

Can create a cloud of gloom

I need some company here for me

In this dismal little room.

I was asked a question today

From a friend who lives near by

If I wanted to adopt this kitty

And take the sadness from her eye.

I jumped right in with an answer

And said oh yes I will

For I prayed to God this question

For my lonely heart to fill.

Cali, the kitty, is her new name

She craves the love I  give

She looks at me with adoring eyes

And has given me reasons to live.

Her dances of play with her toy mice

Has brought me laughter more than once

She kisses my nose to show me love

My prayer was now answered from the one above.

God Is Still Upon The Throne – Never Alone

God Is Still Upon The Throne – Never Alone.