Tag Archives: lost

#FWF Free Write Friday

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Today Kellie has given us permission to just write. To think about what binds us from being the free person we are meant to be.

When I think of this topic and realize my freedom to write what I choose I think of sad things and happy things.

But there is one area in my life that remains a constant shadow. No matter how many posts I write there is one taboo that I write about rarely. I have mentioned this person in the book I am writing called  Parkinson’s Journey.

I think I have written about her indirectly but never addressed her in the way Kellie is asking us to do.

Maybe I can do this. It can’t really harm me, maybe it can heal me or put it to rest, at least. The topic is my half-sister, J for short.

This woman is ten years younger than me. She has been given every opportunity by our parents and still has nothing. Where I am day, she is night. Where I abide by the rules, she slides under the ruler.

Her children have suffered and I am sure somewhere deep inside her she is suffering. When we carry extra baggage for so many years and depend on that to excuse us from our own actions, it is time to let it go.

I have been healing through writing and yet she is still in the same rut doing nothing but spinning her tires. So why does she eat my guts up so bad? Maybe there is some sisterly jealousy. I have to smack myself for even partaking in this as I have nothing to be jealous of.

She has touched spots in my heart of people so dear to me. She has tried so hard to destroy me. Although she has not won, her actions still continue to haunt me today. She has caused Al to be afraid. We do not mention her name in our home.

I want to do what I wish and not be afraid of being arrested. I want to grab a hold of her and shake her good. I want to scream at her, stop what you are doing. Change your values. Look at your kids. Look at your life. How can you deny the fact that your own brother is ill? When Al placed me in a position to have to see you face to face it was one of the hardest things I have done in years. But when I told you to your face that Al wanted you to know that he is sick and he is afraid that he is going to die, you screamed and cursed at me to get out. To leave and never come back. You accused me of being a  liar, trying to start problems. You said Al is not even sick. When your best friend reached out to you last week begging you to call me to let you know of Al’s health today, you told her no,, no way in hell would you make that call.

I swear, I have given you every chance to come to your senses. To see the world straight, as it really is, to not be blind sighted, but you refuse. There will come a time when you will become broken. When you wake up and see Al laying on a white pillow with his Bible in his hands. When you see that all these months I have been telling the truth, there is a part of me that will snicker and leer at you and through you as you weep for your wrong doings. But the Christian woman in me will not allow me to continue to act in this way. If you do fall down and your soul splits open your chest bone. If you are so sorry and sincere I know that I will reach down and help you up. I will help try to do what God would want me to.

But at this moment, sitting here writing this, things have not changed. Things are rotten in Denmark, as they say, and all I can do is pray that you come to your senses sooner than later. Right now I just want to smack the crap out of you, but I won’t. For my own personal sanity, I will not venture your way. I will stay my distance. If you want to know anything about your sister and brother, you will have to be the one who makes that first step. I am tired of trying.

forgiveness-quotes

 

Daily Prompt; The Zone

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Tell us about your favorite way to get lost in a simple
activity — running, chopping vegetables, folding laundry, whatever.
What’s it like when you’re in “the zone”?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us LOST.

You are going to fall off of your chair from laughing when you read what makes me so happy and lost in my own zone.

No, it isn’t shopping. No, it isn’t going out with my friends, although I love that. No, it isn’t reunions, or eating my favorite foods. It is cleaning.

Yes, cleaning. I think partly because I spent so much of my time as a teen trying to please my parents it feels like home to me.

No phone calls, no door knocks. A t-shirt and shorts and barefoot. Music turned up and off I go. I would move the living room furniture around. Clean the windows and sweep and dust.

I would move from room to room until it shined and smelled so good. Now don’t get me wrong. There are certain types of cleaning I don’t care for. I only wash the curtains twice a year, and sometimes only once in the Spring.

I don’t mind cleaning my indoor windows, but I would prefer someone else to do the outside windows. I washed my living room walls down for the first time this spring and I have lived here a year and a half.

I take down my antiques that sit above the kitchen shelves once a year. Cleaning ceiling fans I do about three times a year. Rearranging closets twice a year, and only because I have to switch clothes out.

But general cleaning, yeah I love it. It makes me feel good when I rest my weary body down on my couch and take a look around. Furniture looks different. I am not stepping on any dirt on the floor, laundry is done.

Yep, for me that is my zone. Me, myself and I, music, a sweeper,dust rags and some Windex.

Do you think this is why I don’t have that hot date yet? LOL, I need to find someone to date that loves to move heavy bedroom furniture. LOL

A "Tropical Breeze Delux"[sic] ceili...

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The Visit

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Brick Barn

Thrown out of the car as it was slowly going down the road. Dust flying getting in his eyes. He looks at the car leaving more and more distance between them. He takes off as fast as he can run. He runs for miles but the car can outdo him.

He stops and lays down in the middle of the road. Panting and thirsty he has run out of energy. The heat of the remaining day beats down upon him and he stands up and walks over to a tree providing shade and lies down.

He closes his eyes and rest, sometimes snapping at a passing fly. Feeling rested but tired and hungry he walks down the isolated road. Once in a while a car speeds by  and he blinks his eyes to remove the gravel.

He comes upon a farm. He walks slowly up towards the barn. He doesn’t want to be noticed yet. He has a goal in mind and that is to find water and food. He walks along the side of the barn. Staying in the shadows he stumbles upon a watering trough.

He looks around and sees no one and slowly makes his way to the cool water. He drinks until he belches and then walks back into the darkness. He lays down and again takes another rest.

He sees the car in his memories. He feels unwanted and alone. His eyes have a sad look. Flies keep landing on him as to let him know they will keep him company. He tries chasing them a way but eventually gives up. He closes his eyes for a while and then he hears human voices.

He rises and his ears perk up. They are strange voices but yet comforting. He walks again to the edge of the barn and sees three young people. He loves young people. They play with him. They run with him and best of all they pet him.

He watches the children. They are placing food in bowls and he then sees kittens coming to eat. He licks his lips as his hunger takes over his emotions. He walks slowly a few steps and still watching the kids he yearns for some food also.

He walks a little closer and one of the children notice him. The child kneels down and calls out, come here, come here. Don’t be afraid. I won’t hurt you. Come on, you can do it.

The voice sounded nice and he sensed no anger. He started to walk over but hesitated. He didn’t want to be afraid again. Come on, come on. The boy whistled and clapped his hands.

He walked slowly until he stood in front of the boy. The boy leaned down and petted his head. Are you hungry boy? Are you thirsty? Do you want some food too?

He wasted no time eating out of the hands of this stranger. The child ran and got a bowl and put some food in it and sat it close to him. The children all watched him eat and one of them filled a bowl with water and sat it down near the food.

After he had eaten and drank all he could he sat looking at all three of these people. One of the kids started to pet him and soon all three were petting him.

He relaxed  and was enjoying what they were doing to him. The kids turned to leave. It was time for supper. They looked back at him to see if he was coming. When they saw he was sitting still they smacked their legs with their hands motioning for him to follow.

He did follow slowly at first and then keeping pace with them let them lead him up to the front door of the house. One of the kids raced inside and yelled to Mom. Come on Mom, come outside. Look what we found. Say we can keep him Mom. He’s all alone.

Mom went outside and when the dog and the Mom looked at each other they saw love. She slowly walked over to him and let him sniff her fingers. He sat still and then licked her fingers showing his approval.

Who do you belong to you beautiful creature? Are you lost? Did someone drop you off? Why would someone drop off such a handsome dog? Alright kids, we will keep him but if his owner returns or we hear of someone losing their pet we will have to give him back. Do we all understand?

Three years later if you drive by on that lonely road you will pass a farm. You will see young people and cats and a beautiful family dog.

Temporay

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Braun TV

Braun TV (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am mad today and I know not why

My brain is dead, not thinking

Movement is more like robotic

No blinking or winking.

I have not felt like this before

I can usually fight it

But today, I move from habit

Walking from pit to pit.

This can not be the norm

There has to be a reason

Too hot, no sleep

Or maybe it’s just the season.

I have spoken few words today

Which is so not like me

No family or friends have come

My friend ended up being the TV.

I hear the bad news coming over the box

There is nothing good to hear

It helps to keep me down and out

And to keep pouring out a tear.

I hope that this sound is temporary

For I don’t like how I feel

I want change to come for me

I have asked God for a better deal.