I am sad right now, and I have no reason to be sad, right? I have set the scales on the table, and spread my feelings on them. I am trying to sort my feelings out and get my act together. I have been down and out for about four hours now, and I hate myself for being this way.
On one side of the scales, I have God, many friends here at WordPress, food on the table, roof over my head, bills are paid, health is not too bad, too heavy though, but I could change that and I ignore it.
On the other side of the scales, sits sadness, alone, lonely, mom and dad are in heaven, four hours a week to get out of this house, no job, don’t see my kids enough, but I could change all this, only by making choices.
It all started on Friday. I was feeling so many feelings. Upbeat, nervous, anxious, excited, kiddish. I had these feelings continue all day Friday and Saturday, and until early afternoon today on Saturday.
I had a phone call Friday. Someone from my past, years and years ago in school, was wanting to pay me a visit. I was flabbergasted, I was so excited, but the closer the time came, the more nervous I got until I had butterflies flying in my stomach big time.
The visit came, the talk was picked up like the last time I had seen this person, and before I knew it, the visit was over. Sadness kicked in out of south field, bringing me down to the bottom step of a high-rise.
I started questioning myself. Yep, I sure did. This visit was a reminder of one of my most happiest times of my life, and I wanted it back again. I wanted the desires of being special to someone once more. I wanted someone’s arms wrapped around me once again. I wanted to be held, comforted, I wanted to have the weight lifted from my shoulders of carrying my responsibilities by myself.
I know the words, I have them memorized. God will show you someone when the time is right. Trust God. I have been waiting for five years, and after today, I wondered why I am alone.
Someone mentioned earlier tonight, that they want to see my peacock feathers spread. To tell you the truth, I don’t know how to spread myself. I can spread money and make it last. I can spread myself to bring hope to others. I can spread my heart wide open to anyone needing loved or comfort, but I can’t spread my feathers, because I have no idea who or what it is that I am to spread.
When people ask me about who I am, my first response is a caregiver. I take care of ill people. This is where God has placed me. Other than that, I don’t know.
Right now, even though this sounds like a huge pity party, it is actually going to heal me to be where I was once before. I will go on. I will keep working with my brother. I will place desires of wanting someone to want to spend their life with me, and I will forget about today and the feelings that came to surface. No, not talking about sex, talking about being needed and wanted. To have someone look into my eyes, and see their love for me. Don’t get me wrong, nothing happened today, but wonderful talk, and visits to memory lane, but it brought to surface my hidden desires.
In reality the scales are out of balance, I can see. I have everything I need, just as God hath promised, but my desires and needs of the heart are still empty. Why can’t I just be satisfied with what I have.
Now hopefully, as I read this over and over, I will sit back and laugh at what a fool I was acting like. Loads of people live alone and love it. I just don’t happen to be one of those, but I will survive, right?
Who I am 