Are You Looking At Me?

Miami, Florida (1947) ... Facebook Overexposur...

Today I woke up tired and stayed that way the rest of the day. I had to go have my brother and my taxes done first thing this morning. After getting through that without any major scare issues I had a doctor’s appointment. It was my check-up from  lab work.


The doc explained about the Potassium and what he think happened and how potassium works once the blood hits the bottle. All in all, I was quite pleased. I lost three pounds. My levels were all good except the blood sugars, but they were lower than last time, so he ended up saying,” You’re doing a good job”. That just made me feel good but I was too tired to almost smile, but I was smiling on the inside.


I noticed when I left the doctor’s office that my front passenger tire was low. Oh not again. Darn it. This is the second time I have put air in that tire. I have good tread left on all my tires. No one has found any nails etc, so what was going on?


I stopped and had more air put in by the nice gas attendant then headed off to the tire store. They checked out the tire and found the stem was leaking so to change stems and replace air it cost me $12.50.


While I was sitting in the waiting area there was an elderly gentleman sitting. He was maybe ten years or so older than me.  I had been talking to the sales guys since I knew them and this older customer made some comment to what we were talking about.


Then this guy motions for me to come over and sit by him, so I do. I thought chit-chat, something to do to pass the time. He says,” Do you work?”


I say, “No I am disabled.”


“Do you live alone?”


“No, my brother lives with me.” I know I lied but hey, I didn’t know this guy from Adam.


“Do you ever get lonely? Do you like dining out alone? Do you ever wish you had someone to go to McDonalds with?”


I thought, What is this 20 questions? Am I on Candid Camera? Are you hitting on me? Sorry friends, it’s been so long since I have been hit on, I didn’t know.


He said my last name is blah blah blah. In the phone book I am the first one listed under that name. Call me if you want to go out. I’m your guy.  I didn’t say anything. He just wasn’t my cup of tea. In between his questions he was letting me know that he goes to bars. He has been stopped by the police for drunk driving. He has lost his license due to drinking in the past but he has it back.


He had lost his wife to cancer a year and three months ago. Suddenly my heart felt compassion for him as I knew he was a lonely man. But for me I couldn’t go out with him. I don’t want to date anyone who drinks and even gets arrested for drunk driving. I thanked him and stood up and used the ladies room.


When I got out my car was done. After I paid the bill the older guy was holding the door  open for me and I told him thanks. When I got in the car I smiled to myself and said, hey girl you still got it at 58, or if he was just so lonely he was desperate, thanks for picking me. It boosted my morale.



Al and Polly

English: Coca-Cola 375 mL cans - 24 pack

English: Coca-Cola 375 mL cans – 24 pack (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have never taken so many steps as I have the past three days since I moved back to Indiana. Maybe I will drop a pound! Today was a busy day, which I was very thankful for, but last night was taking me back to when my kids were infants, and you had to get up with them every two hours, and this is what I did.

I had been so exhausted from crying and tired from everything, that I took Polly outside at 10pm and then I went to bed, with her in her crate. It was wonderful, me, the television, my fan, and Polly was asleep. At midnight I had a terrible dream. I don’t know who it was or what it was, but I remember it was a deep, clear voice, and it said one thing. Al has just died. Yep, that was it, and I don’t even know if I can call that a dream, but that is all I remember and I jumped up out of bed and sat upright, looking around and no one was here. Then Polly started whimpering, feeding time and potty time, but this time she did not want to go back to sleep, but I did. I put her back in her crate, letting her know dark hours meant no play, but she didn’t get it, so she whined, I turned up the television, she whined louder, and I buried my head in the covers, but nothing worked.

I got back up and took her out and her little curly tail was just a going to town. She wanted to play! I did sit with her for a while and pet her and she loved that, so after she calmed down, I put her back to her bed, and she did not want that so the whimpering started again.

I got back up, geesh, I felt like a yo-yo. I got her back out and put her in bed with me and she crawled up to my shoulder, and buried herself in my body heat and went back to sleep and slept until five this morning.

Today was a new day. I fed her and took her potty. She is having troubles with drinking water, so I have to wet my finger from her bowl, and then she will drink. I really do believe I am a natural caregiver including animals now. LOL

I am still having trouble eating. I have found myself skipping meals or eating one tiny thing. I tried eating breakfast, but it did not want to stay down, so I gave that up. I told Polly that I had to go run some errands, and even though I knew she didn’t know, I put her back in her crate, and prayed she whimpered softly while I was gone. While out, I ran to the car lot to pick up a piece that had broken on my windshield wiper, where the spray comes out and washes your window? Yes, a tiny plastic piece that had cracked and cost $47.00. Expensive plastic if you ask me, then I went to Wal-Mart and took back the Ensure that I had bought for Al, because they would not let him have it,as it had to be a doctor’s order. It wasn’t even open, but it was a no go, and so I got Polly a flea collar because I found a few floating around on her and I do not want them multiplying in my  house, no way! I also bought her a wormer so I would have it in a few weeks when I can worm her, then I went to McDonald’s, and got a double cheeseburger and small diet, and I managed to keep that down.

Next, I went to see Al. I got to see his new room. It was much better,with a window view. I took him three bags of briefs and a bag of pads for his recliner a coca cola polar bear clock and a case of soda. I looked the room over and it definitely had more floor space but no more space than the other room as far as places to place knickknacks. Al was not in his room, he was down in the dining room and had just finished up with his lunch. As he saw me he waved and smiled, a nice thing in my opinion.

Right a way he started telling me about his bigger room, and then I began fitting the pieces together as to why the nurse said he looked like a kid in a candy store when she showed him his new room, because the conversation went from bigger room to bringing in more coca cola and cars from home, but what he wanted to bring in was an antique coca cola dispenser.

Now we had discussed things that he was going to take and leave here at home, before he went to the nursing home, and we both agreed that he would leave this big, vintage piece at home so it would not get broken or taken. He tells me today that now he wants it because his room is bigger and I explain that there is no more room for any place to put things and he got upset with me. The tremors got bigger than they were when I got there, and the tears came back, and the guilt trip placed on me was too familiar.

For the first time since he has been gone, I was glad that I could get up off of the bed and walk a way from it. I went to the nurse explaining why he was upset and she said that she would tell him his room was full enough, and then I said thanks and went back to Al’s room and he was telling me I didn’t care about him and I didn’t love me. I looked him in the eye, and said bud, I came here with cards, soda, another clock for you, and newspapers to read. I do not have to stay and listen to this talk, and so I am leaving, and I will see you on another day, and with that I got up and walked out of his room, out of the building and came home to Polly, who was anxiously awaiting for me to pet her and play with her, her tail just a wagging away and she was giving me kisses, and I said out loud to myself, I love you brother, but I want some happiness too, and I will see you tomorrow, and then I went back to playing with Polly.

Stress And Fat


I was so excited this morning, when I discovered for the second day in a row, I did not have




to do a complete bed change on Al’s bed. Yipeee!!! I was able to sit down and drink my hot coffee and linger over my emails right away, while Al ate his breakfast of Toaster Streudals. He loves those things, and his favorite is Strawberry and Cream Cheese. I so wish I could have one, but they are loaded with carbs, sugars, and fats, but for him, it is alright, since I don’t want him to keep going with his weight loss.


I didn’t get any smiles this morning, but I did not receive tears neither, so I was content. After breakfast, he watched his divorce court show and part of The Price is Right, and then he decided to get properly dressed, as I had a doctor’s check-up for labs that I had drawn last week.


When the time came to leave the house, we headed for the doctors. He was doing well enough, that I left him in the waiting room and went back to the small doctor patient room by myself.


I had gained two pounds, and this is so disappointing to me. When I moved here from Florida, I had lost so much weight, but I was involved with the YMCA and Al went to a daycare, and the sun was shining, and I swam most of the year. Now that I am back, my physical activity is pretty narrowed down to cleaning the house, and once a month, rearranging furniture, to get that heart beat moving, and of course, my fingers get their work out on the computer and also lifting the fork to my lips.


The doctor said all of my tests were good except the usual culprit, the cholesterol, which I refuse to take the medications to lower it because of my mother’s warning, and the doctor knows exactly how I feel and how important it is to me what my mother told me. He said my sugars were better than last test time, my triglycerides were wonderful, kidneys were good, in fact, all was great. So, I looked at him and asked him why am I gaining weight? Is it because I get hardly any activities in?


He said he didn’t think it was what foods I was or was not eating as my sugar levels were acceptable. He said there was one area that was causing me weight gain more than anything else, and I asked, what was that. His answer was something I did not care for, because I can’t seem to beat the odds in that area.


Do you think you know what his answer was? The dirty culprit helping me to gain weight is STRESS! Yes, stress, he explained how stress causes a hormone change and causes weight gain. He also went on to explain that at this point, he did not want me to get overly concerned, because he knew what I was dealing with at home, then he smiled. He said everything will be back to normal one day, just be patient with life.


Stress? I never knew that could cause weight gain. Do you think I was stressed when I came through the birth canal? Because I have seen my baby picture where I had a couple of rolls of baby fat. Do you think I was stressed when I was in elementary school, maybe kids picking on me, or teachers that didn’t like my constant chatter. Maybe I was stressed as a teenager. Experts state that teenagers have to find themselves and where they fit in with life, and I would think this would cause much stress. Maybe, I was stressed when I got married, divorced, and did stupidly repeat that process one more time. That surely causes stress.


I think from now on, I will not blame that ice-cream cone, or that hamburger on a white bun from McDonald’s, and I won’t even blame my weight gain on that one little pumpkin doughnut, that I popped into my mouth for breakfast. I will blame everything on being a woman with hormones, who stresses out easily.


Now that I know who I am and why I am who I am, I decided that Al and I needed to celebrate my good report and finding the answers to being fat. So we went to the KFC for lunch and we had that new little sandwich, the Chicken Little sandwich? Yes, they are fairly good. They come with too large of a miniature sub-bun, with mayonnaise and two pickles with one long chicken strip. They are alright, but not that great for cheating on my carbs. I should have went to Ruby Tuesdays and had a fish snack pack. Now those carbs are worth eating!


Then after we finished lunch, we went to our favorite little thrift store, and Al immediately scanned the aisles for coca cola, and found two tin type signs, and I bought two car air fresheners and a tiny pair of baby satin shoes to match the baby dress I had purchased there last month. They are Victorian, and you already know how crazy silly I am about Victorian era. I also found another lamp that is small with crystals hanging from it, with one single bulb socket. It is more like a night stand light. It was the right size, right price and so I claimed it.


We had a good time and  now we are  both home, and Al hit the bed for his nap, as his nurse is coming at 4pm.




The Fear Word

There Goes the Fear

There Goes the Fear (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Fear. It can take over your body, mind and soul, in a second. Sometimes it isn’t something that comes out and spooks you. It can just be a word. A memory. A frightening memory, that you had buried somewhere deep in your head, to never step forth again. I heard that word today. Normally, this isn’t a bad word. Often, people feel comfortable with the word. Follow me through this story, going back to the times you have often taken this path also. Help me to understand and respect this word, so that I can once again, lay it to rest. You have to visit a doctor. It doesn’t matter what type of doctor. The first thing they do is take your ID and insurance cards. Check! Next you fill out your medical history. You place down on the unfamiliar papers, letting them know all of your history. Now, this includes any surgeries, allergies, your parents information, also going a bit farther, your mental health. Have you ever thought of committing suicide. Have you ever tried harming yourself.Check! Now sign the most important document, your HIPPA  paper. This paper is to protect your very important information. No one is to see it. Check! All finished, you go back over your work, making sure your phone number, address, social security is all correct. Check! You hand the smiling receptionist your finished papers, and sit down to hear your name called. While you are waiting, your information is being typed into a data base in the office’s computer. Your name is called, your paper work is finished, it is typed in, and you officially now have a file on yourself.Remember, HIPPA. Your rights to privacy. Never should we forget. Did they forget to tell you , that there are special rules that can pertain to this? I didn’t think so. This is how I became afraid of THE WORD. Now, switch gears with me. We all know that I have been letting you in on my brother’s health. He has a few too many problems, including mental  health. At one visit some time back, I filled out one of those many clipboards. We waited our turn, got called in. The doctor seemed nice. He checked my brother over thoroughly. He talked more to him, the mentally challenged one, than he did to me, the guardian and sister. The doctor asked certain questions, and with my brother’s not so good of understanding, answered the best he could, sometimes adding how he got mad at this person or that. The doctor made notations from what he had heard and noted the bruises on my brother, which is from his heart medications. Nice doctor, not bad visit. A stop at McDonalds on the way home for ice-cream. Cool!! The day had gone well. A few days later in the week, we got an unexpected visitor. From the information provided in our paper work, the bruises, the comments from a mentally challenged patient, the WORD, was at our door. Social Services. Here to check on his living arrangements. Just doing a routine check, they said. Check!! I ended having to go from the nice person who opened the door, to being on total defense, proving myself innocent. After much sweat, and shaky legs, and nerves shot, she said she found everything was alright. That he was really lucky to have such a caring sister. She could tell that I loved him and cared about him a lot. She left, and I sat down and smoked a couple of cigarettes in a row, wishing at that moment, I drank the brew. Now go with me today. We had an appointment for my brother from a different type of doctor. A psych doctor. The regular doctor wanted a second opinion to see if maybe a medication change may be needed. I could deal with this, right? Anything to help my brother get through this Parkinson’s. He agreed, there was not much more that could be done, and said to come back in a couple of months, just to touch base, and see if there was anything we may need his help for. Nice doctor. We leave, or we try to leave. A young lady, looking to be a teenager, who I found out did work for the office, wanted to talk privately. My brother started crying, because as we were leaving, I told him we would stop for ice-cream, as he had done so well with this new doctor. The lady says she will take us into a quiet office. She wants to have me sign some updating papers. I asked, what kind? I explained that they had already contacted me, and all information, address, phone, etc. was all updated. She said that this was a normal procedure. She takes some forms from her brief case and lays them on the table in front of me, and I read the top line. Social Services. I asked what this was about. She stated it was routine, that this information stayed within the office. Of course, I knew better. I knew that all of your information stays within the office, inside the data base, and isn’t given to anyone, UNLESS certain words are kicked out, such as anger, bruises, emotional, etc. I smiled, and froze at the same time. The FEAR word had made its way from the back burner right to the front burner in less than a blink of they eye. I said smiling to her, I am not signing anything that you have here. All paper work was signed when we first came in for the visit. I helped my brother up from his chair and took a hold of him with  one hand, his cane in the other hand, and we left the building