Saturday Al went into a new chapter I had never been through. With all the years of experience, not once have I heard this. The sad thing is it is driving me absolutely crazy.
Let’s call it the hum. The moan or groan. He sometimes can be understood, but only sometimes. I asked him last night who he was talking to and he said God, so I said this is wonderful.
He has continued throughout these days with the same thing. I feel like I have nowhere to turn anymore. Hospice can’t seem to help. The Hospice minister said he had not heard this done before.
It is still happening today. Al woke up at seven and he started it immediately. He did tell the bath girl that she needed to check his mail box. He told me once that he was going to spill his eggs from the basket if I didn’t take them from him.
He told the bath girl to put the Playboy channel on TV. I know we have it because I have seen it surfing through the movie guide; but we have no subscription to it.
I just don’t know how to cope with it now. It is from morning to night. He did eat a few bites of sherbet last night and this morning he asked for more. He ate a small bowl.
Is this the way it is going to be? No sleep, no rest? Me having to go hide in my room to escape the constant noise? Am I being a mean sister by not being more tolerable?
Next week Al and I won’t have a caregiver all week. I know in my heart that I can’t take care of him alone. There is supposed to be a respite week now for him and me. He will be going to a local nursing home from Monday-Friday. He will come home sometime on that Friday and then I will be taking care of him alone until Monday morning arrives.
A big part of me is very nervous about letting him go. He is so fragile. No one will know him. Maybe his moans will cause them to take less care of him. It is a constant struggle for me.
I curse myself because I have Diabetic Neuropathy in my hands. This is the biggest reason I can not care for him alone that many days. The other part of me tries very hard to realize that Angels and God will watch over him. I have to trust the heavens more than anything now. I realize and I will go see him more often than not.
I have been praying like crazy that God will take Al home before next Monday gets here. I guess I just don’t want the added worry on top of everything else we go through.
Life is good right? God is real, right? I have a chance to have Monday afternoon, all day Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and part of Friday to rest up, laugh again, relax, and recompose myself. So what is the problem? Why is everything getting to me now? Is the moaning the icing on the cake?