Back in the day, in fact, I remember it clearly; March, 2011. I was caring for my brother. I thought our lives were so extinct compared to others around us. I thought Al, my brother had it just terrible.
The news of realizing he had Multiple System Atrophy, (MSA) devastated me more than it did Al, with his mental disability, I am not positive that he understood his fate in life as well as I did.
I had begun to pray daily, sometimes several times a day. I prayed out of guilt. The fact, that Al could no longer work nor drive, had forced me to give up my paying job and begin the roller coaster ride for the next three years of taking care of him.
Little did I know that the day God answered my prayer about getting a job that pays, was truly a job that paid much more than any President could ever acquire. Lessons on patience, giving and not expecting anything in return, learning about the routine and how it can and will be broken, are huge lessons that pay more than life itself.
I took care of Al and God’s answered prayer to begin writing was a beginning of a new life for someone in her fifties. I discovered the talent that God gifted me with when I learned I could write heart-felt, short stories that others connected with.
I learned I could write poetry. I opened up new doors and began speaking to anyone who would listen to me about MSA. My heart opened so wide I began to receive the true message of what love really is.
Love is not really about being with that special mate, or the giddiness we feel when our better half looks at us in that special way. Love is giving of ourselves. Without harming our spirit, we grow, we prosper by listening with our souls to those who are in need of the human voice or touch.
I didn’t know what blogging was. I didn’t believe that little old me had anything worthy to say that could affect another human life until one day I received a comment from another blogger. I don’t remember the exact words. I do know that in a lot of my blogs I write about God and humanity; and this had been one of those blogging post.
This particular blogger had told me that in that precise second he read my post, I had saved his life. I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t think I had that kind of effect on anyone. He told me that he was getting ready in the next few minutes to commit suicide by taking an over dose of pills.
Something he had read in my post had triggered a tenderness that made him realize that he was worth living. I am not God by any means; but I do believe that God answered my prayer. He used me as his tool to help others who are in pain. He helped me to spread the word of God through a blank screen in my own living room. He taught me that money is good, but the word of God, the understanding and empathy for others is much more valuable.
Today, I still struggle. I still have to have talks with God constantly. I have problems like the rest of us. I have teeth issues that are in need of hundreds of dollars with no dental insurance.
I have gait and tremors that are preventing me of finding a paying job that I can do. I don’t want to worry; but I find myself doing it anyways because I am not perfect, and God knows what is going to happen, and he is going to take care of me exactly at the right moment. Something or someone will happen in my life, and I will not end up on the homeless list, nor will I ever see my refrigerator totally bare.
Today, once again I was taught another lesson. I had to go back and remember why did God have me begin writing? What had I learned by caring for Al ? What had I learned from those seven years of his illness?
When I worry too much God will show me very clearly that although I can’t see my future, I am very blessed. The lessons he shows me are so clear, I can never doubt that it comes from God.
There is a blogger out here in the world that I don’t hear from too often. He is sick like my brother was. I have come to the realization that he is an angel being sent by God to make me remember how powerful and loving God is. I read the comment and once again, hearing from him, ripped at my seams. Opened the flood gates of tears, making me realize how fortunate I am.
I am so rich in life. God has given me every tool he has to help me become the person he wants me to be. It is up to me, whether I use those tools or not; but how can I not pay attention when the angel, a dear friend, who suffers from the devil’s disease as Al did, writes to me.
This is what I saw, this is what he wrote, and this is how I know that writing is what I am supposed to continue to do. We can’t go wrong when we follow the lead of our heavenly father.
I know there are those who don’t believe, and there are those who question. This post is not to try to convince you. I guess you could call this My Testimony. Here are his words. I want to add to his words, I love you Michael, from one friend to another. In faith we will walk this path together. You are not alone. God is right beside you. My spirit is there with you. You are a warrior my friend.
“Dont want too see people much at all,i dont want themlooking at me .Iam embarassed for them.Iused to love being anywhere with lots of people,now i cannot bear it .I talk quitely and stammer and i have tremmor on my right side .You know the rest Terry.I am still here fighting to stay alive as long as i can.I love the fact you had a bargain today precious Terry.Now other than my wonderful family ,you are the only person i talk to.It is getting so difficult to communicate .Sometimes i dont know who or where i am.Istill think of Al and you whenever my mind comes back,from the horrendous journeys it takes me on.Phisicaly and mentaly exhausted,hurting so much ilook forward to seeing your writings and messages.Al and yourself and what you went through prior to his death have gave me an insight into the dark spiteful .vicious ways this monster kills you from within. .My body and my brain have almost given their all,and i am so ill,keep writing and thinking of Al.You know our love and hearts are always there with you.We wish you nothing but the best Terry,especially for your patience and kindness you have shown me and others.May your God protect you from all evil in our world and love and cherish you for the sweet angel that you are. Michael .”