Goodbye, I Will Always Remember You; A Tribute to My Brother, Alvin

I packed some more things today and then the phone rang. The voice sounded familiar as we talked. He said it was finished and I said thank-you and goodbye. My stomach started churning. I thought sure I was going to vomit. Everything from the past five months came flooding back to the front of my mind.

I finished what I was doing. I changed my clothes. I grabbed my purse and my camera. As I started the car quiet tears began to fall. I knew I had to keep it together or I would not be able to drive.

I drove the ten minutes and turned the car in between the gates. I drove slowly taking in the atmosphere as if I had entered a different realm beyond this earth. I stopped the car and turned the keys.

Silence came over me. I grabbed my camera and did what I knew I needed to do. Taking the photos and being satisfied with my work I walked back to the car, got in and began to sob.

Everything I had been holding back since March 24th at 8:30am came flooding down my cheeks. I cried like I have never cried.  I explained to my brother that I was leaving. I told him how I would never forget him but I must move forward in order to heal. I told my parents hello and I knew that mom especially, was so glad I could pay a visit.

I asked Al to keep his promise to save a spot for me and I almost felt his smile as I gazed down at his new headstone that was completed only hours ago. I knelt by Al and I touched the cold cement, but I knew my heart was warm as I felt the closest to Al I had since his passing.

I promised him I would come back and visit. I promised him that my daughter and son-in-law would look after me as well as he did. I promised him I would laugh one day again.

My job is complete. I cared for my brother with everything I had in me. I made sure he had as good of life and lots of laughter and fun as possible. I kept my promise to myself that he would have a nice funeral. I promised that somehow I would come up with the money for his headstone.

It was never a true job, but it had its ups and downs. I didn’t punch in and out on a time clock as his care never was less than 24/7. It was a job that tested my mental alertness, my devotions, my faith in God. It taught me more about compassion than any other job I have ever held.

As I walked up to my front door I turned around and looked at what I would soon be leaving. I swear I felt God’s arms around me. I know I felt Al’s smile. I love you buddy forever and ever.

Photos are:

Alvin’s new headstone with the coca-cola bottle and red cap

My parents headstone which rest beside Alvin

The clouds that I saw when I turned from my door and looked up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Heart Is Broken

I haven’t blogged all day. I had some time to but just couldn’t. It is still hard but I need to. It…

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My Heart Is Broken

I haven’t blogged all day. I had some time to but just couldn’t. It is still hard but I need to. It heals me and gives me a soft place to fall.

Today I spent time with Al at the hospital. Then I went to the grocery store to buy the items needed for Christmas Dinner. Once home and putting the groceries a way I clicked on WP and then turned a way from it.

Now it is almost 8pm and the tears have begun to fall. It is strange how silence and a sense of loneliness come out of the woodwork once darkness falls upon us.

A Specialist, and Doctors along with Hospice had a conference and came to the agreement that there was nothing left to try for Al. They took him off of his remaining medications. The only thing he will remain on is his pain medications.

Al’s body is still continuing to contract. Now when you try to do a brief change or turn him in a new position he reeks in pain. He stutters from the pain medication. I can barely make out any words he is saying.

He realizes I am his sister, he recognizes the time but yet he is floating a little. He fiddled with his sheets, wadding it into a ball.  He picked at them, he was hot than sweaty. He was cranky and irritable.

He is being dismissed tomorrow morning to come home to remain here for what ever time he has remaining. The caregiver will be here and I am so thankful for this.

My heart is broken as I realize that Al will find no peace here on earth while he waits to be taken by God. My heart is broken because all has been tried and all doors are shut now.

I pray for a quick release for him. I pray his pain will be swiftly gone. It just doesn’t seem fair, not fair at all. Being mentally challenged didn’t give him opportunities for girlfriends, marriage, a family of his own. Being ridiculed by his Father sure didn’t make his life any better. Having a heart attack at barely over fifty wasn’t right. But now this, a terrible disease called Multiple System Atrophy, (MSA) is going to drag him to the end. It is going to force Al to endure the wicked pain until his last breath.

I am so glad and feel very honored that I have had these past six years to show Al what fun life could really be. I wish there was something I could do but there is not. I will do my best to bring him comfort. I will read the Bible to him, sing to him and hold his hand. I will continue to tell him how much he is loved. I will not stop until I know he is free of pain.