Which Choice Do I Make?


Although Al had a good day, you can see by different signs that he is sick. For example when I took his shoes and socks off for his nap, his feet are once again swollen. The other thing is he is still napping. He usually sleeps for a couple of hours. Sort of a catching up thing from his days.

Here it is 8:30 and I went into check on him. I actually jumped back and my heart began to beat very quickly.beating heart

There is one thing, no two things that you never see Al do anymore. Number one is; his head will not go back. You could force it all you wanted, (which I don’t), just saying you could and it would not move.

Al’s head was laying flat on the bed. His pillow had slipped out from him or he moved it.

Number 2; his entire body is calm. Absolutely not one tremor. In the shadows of the night all I could see was gray shadows around his face, bouncing back at him by the black shirt he is wearing.

Instantly my breath caught. I saw my brother as he will be when his time is up. I didn’t mean to see it, it was just there all out in the open. I immediately started to cry.

Then my mind snapped back into reality. I checked his breathing. Yes, he is breathing. He was so calm and relaxed I didn’t want to wake him. On the other hand I want to go to sleep tonight. I don’t know which choice to make, let him sleep or wake him up.

Less Tremors, More Naps


Yesterday was another one of those days where the tremors had decided to give Al’s body

parkinson

parkinson (Photo credit: ibarakaldo)

a rest. Sunday was like that also. He has been more smiley these past two days than any other days. I wish I knew, once again, what it was that is allowing him more calmness, because I would make sure I kept that activity a priority. Again, though, it could be all the prayers, and it could also be the fact that he is now in his final stages of PD.

Parkinson’s Disease, from what I have studied and researched, can prove to have tremors become less and less in the fifth stages. I am not sure what causes this, but there is a part of me right now, that if this is true for Al, I almost wish the tremors would flare up to their normalcy again. This way I don’t have to think of any ending at all. I hope this makes sense to  you.

I love my brother and although he suffers many days, I don’t want to be unselfish. I don’t want to ever say goodbye, but that is selfish, and I have placed Al in God’s hands many months ago. I have to trust in God that he has this all in his control, and is doing what is best for Al and for me.

This morning, I knew that Stanley Steamer was coming to clean the living room carpet and the pathways of both bedrooms. I had put off picking up the small items until this morning, knowing I would have plenty of time. They were not to be here until the hours of 9-11AM.

Al got up at nine and we proceeded to get his breakfast fixed along with medications distributed. While Al eats his breakfast, I go into my bedroom and pick up throw rugs, and shoes, and anything else I see lying around.

I go into his bedroom and  pick up numerous coke items strewn on the floor. Now I tell him constantly not to leave items on the floor as it will cause him to fall easier, but he doesn’t listen to me. I go over to make his bed, and find the bed pad and the sheets soaked.

I was really surprised, because Al is always wet, but never soaks the bed or bed pads. I go ahead and pull  all dirty sheets off and start a load of laundry. I disinfect the mattress that is thankfully, plastic. I place the clean sheets on the bed and make it nice and clean for him. I clean the commode and the urinal, and then I go out to the kitchen where he is still eating, and ask him if he had any problems the night prior, and he says no.

I mention that the bed was a little wet and he says he doesn’t know how it got that way. Alright, whether he does or does not remember, is not a big issue, and I will not bring up any reasons for him to feel more guilty than he already does with the side effects of this disease.

So all is done in his room, and he is all finished eating, so I take him to his bathroom, and do a total wash up and get all clean clothes and a clean brief  on him. I breathe a sigh, as I know for now, he is all taken care of and smelling fresh.

I still have my house robe on and as I start to go to my bedroom to get dressed, the door bell rings, and low and behold, the cleaning company is well on time. I am forced to answer the door with hair unkempt, my pretty blue full length flannel house robe, and I try to divert their eyes by giving them my biggest fake smile I can produce. They both look at me, and smiled, saying, hi, we are from Stanley Steamer. I am thinking uh duh, I see the truck dudes!

I let them in and tell them I was just on my way to get dressed, could they forgive me while they get out their equipment, and they nodded yes. Well, they have come and gone, and the carpets look great! You have to wonder how carpets get so dirty when we both take our shoes off at the door, but they do, believe me!

So here I sit at the computer, Al is dozing on the couch as he is commonly found now, which I still have issues with getting used to. Al is a routine man, and he knows by his own rules, that there is no sleeping until three PM, nap time, so to find him napping mornings and evenings is still new to me. My white socks that I am to wear, waiting for the carpets to dry, which will be about four hours,  are already soaked. My feet are shriveled like prunes, my body is cold from having two fans running on the carpets, when it is only 50 degrees outside, and Al is lying with no covers on, head cocked to the side, sound asleep.

The day is good, Al’s tremors under control, clean bed, laundry working, my two cups of coffee drank, and carpet sparkling once again. Can it get any better???