Just For Today

Deutsch: Rodolphe ist in Eile, denn es weihnac...

Deutsch: Rodolphe ist in Eile, denn es weihnachtet sehr. 😉 English: Rodolphe has to hurry up, Christmas is coming soon. 😉 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I think there is a shorted wire in my brain somewhere, that prevents me from what I see most of you doing in your lives. Wow! This is really hard to type the word onto this page, but is it that I am really just plain too lazy? Oh my gosh, that one hurt. I don’t like that word. It puts a knot in my gut. It brings guilt to me and I suck it right in, like there is no tomorrow. I make promises to myself. You would laugh at me if you knew how many arguments I have with myself on a nightly basis. I win each night, and I lose each morning. The best part of my day is not Folgers in my cup, it is the peace. Peace of a new day. Joy of watching the sun rise. The silence of the traffic. The quietness coming from my brother’s room. Yes, the aroma coming through my nostrils of my coffee being made. To look outside my windows and see the calmness in the trees. The cat walking down the road without fear of being hit by a speeding car. Birds at my bird feeder. These non important, tiny little, routine things I do each morning are the basis of who I am. Then the television is turned on as my brother comes out for his breakfast. Instantly my world changes. It is like night and day. Are you an allergy sufferer? Do you have trouble keeping an erection? Do you feel bloated? Does your lipstick wear off before its time? Are you depressed? Have you started your new exercise program so you can be in your bikini by summer? Do you have thinning hair? Do you have enough life insurance, or are you going to be a burden for you family? Do you need to dial lonely chat phone line, because you have no love life? Have you been injured by someone and need to sue? The list goes on and on. With being a caregiver, I am more at home then out of the home. FAMILIAR words that I hear, come from the television. Doubts start entering my once peaceful, accepting world. I look at my face in the mirror, and see the signs of aging staring back at me. I look at myself fully in mirror, and see  more than a pinch in too many places. I look through my kitchen cupboards, and see all too familiar foods, waiting for me to open. I look at my coffee cup, now  filled with disgusting caffeine. My cigarettes are sitting beside my cup, waiting to be inhaled, filling me with black tar. I should change everything in my life. The television has told me so. I am not who I am supposed to be. I have not become a person of a health conscience world. I have not went and thrown everything out of my cupboards and replaced them with complete, healthy foods. I don’t call a plastic surgeon and schedule my Botox appointment. I didn’t call the most popular diet program. I didn’t give up my cigarettes  for today. Instead, I have chosen to do what? Be myself? Be lazy? Worry about someone else besides me? Decide to accept me for who I am? Maybe I am just plain lazy. Maybe I have just made the determination that this is who I am. This is who God hath made. For today, I will be a caregiver. Today, I will try my best to do what is the right thing for me. There is room for improvement, but for today I will accept that I will fail at something. Today, I will try to give comfort and love to another human being. Today, I will try to be proud of the fact, that where I started is not the same as today. Just for today, I will be satisfied with who I am.