one day at a time

As each day goes by, I battle more and more to remain the person I know I am. It scares me, even if it is normal to be so stressed at this point in life. I am scared of being addicted to the little white pill. Scared of being weak. Scared of letting Al down.

Last night I was having a panic attack. I swear it came out of nowhere. I felt so dizzy and I felt like I was just going to pass out right there on the floor. I was trying to give Al his sherbet for his bedtime snack but couldn’t pull it off.

I refuse to let Al see me ill or not feeling quite right. I don’t need him to start worrying about me on top of all he goes through. Al has had some changes. Sores have broken out on his ear. His head is locked in a position so that it touches he shoulder bone. Bone on bone and the ear problem are all on the same side. Medications to take care of this.

Constant turning him from side to side. The big, bad medications have been added back into his routine for comfort and relief from pain. He may not be able to get out of that bed, and yet he takes more care and looking after now than ever before.

So I was glad that my friend was here last night. I just looked at her and handed her the ice-cream bowl and ran for my bedroom. Laying down on my bed, flat on my stomach, I prayed to God to please help heal me from this terrible panic mode that has seemed to attach itself to me without invitation.

Slowly I worked myself out of it and came out of it in time to be able to return to Al to finish the nightly things that have to be done for him. I want it to stop. I want to return to the gal I used to be. I want to laugh again, shrug off the small stuff in life, but I can’t.

My shoulders are tight, my mind races constantly. I feel like I am spinning but with the medicine I am able to stay a way from falling off the tight rope.

Today my girlfriend took me out. I had to prepare myself ahead of time. Tell myself that I could be back in the crazy crowds of people. I took my medicine before I left. In the end I made it through it.

I bought me some good smelling perfume I had been wanting for over twenty years. Chanel. I bought me some new finger nail polish. I bought some new eye make-up brushes.

We went to an antique store and I bought a vintage pin. I felt guilt over buying stuff I did not need. She insisted that once in a while we just have to buy things we enjoy. Maybe I am just an old tight wad like my dad.

Either way, I made it, I fought through it. On our way home we stopped at Taco Bell and had a late lunch. Tomorrow we are going back out because Al is almost out of sherbet and baby food. Maybe we will stop at Shoe Carnival and TJ Maxx, who knows.

I make it through one day, hopefully I will make it through one more. I have to keep the faith in myself that this stress and panic crap too shall pass. When I got home I got on the computer and there was a big beautiful bouquet of roses from a dear friend, Connie. A nice way to end the day.