The days just keep getting worse. Al surprised us with another big mess when he awoke. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked any longer, this is now three days in a row. You know what I am talking about. The brown package, and no, it isn’t delivered in the mail.
Al is getting a little mean. He told the shower girl and caregiver to get out of his room. He told everyone who visited with him that they just…
The days just keep getting worse. Al surprised us with another big mess when he awoke. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked any longer, this is now three days in a row. You know what I am talking about. The brown package, and no, it isn’t delivered in the mail.
Al is getting a little mean. He told the shower girl and caregiver to get out of his room. He told everyone who visited with him that they just come and leave; that no one stays. He moaned a lot in pain. He didn’t sleep today much.
I have made many comments about Al’s medicines. I feel like I should spend a few minutes talking about them. I am sure it is no secret that Al is on the stronger medications. But with Al, he has brain damage, so medications do not do the job they are intended to do. Instead any of those feel-good meds make him wired and wide-awake.
He can cuss and scream, stay awake, be hateful. Many types of medications have been tried with success until you start giving higher doses. Al seems to do fine with a new prescription. Then it happens; he becomes immune quickly and the physicians raise the dose. This is when everything goes hay-wire and we are back at the blackboard again.
The nurses are frustrated and no one seems to know what to do next. Meanwhile I have this sick guy in pain. There has to be a medication somewhere in the middle. If you have ideas or want to talk to me about any of this topic, you can find me at tellmenolies2004@yahoo.com I am also on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/terry.shepherd1
He was finally given an irrigation with a numbing agent in it for his tissue tear. I hope this works as he has complained of a stinging feeling. He says he hurts all over. It just really rips my heart apart and I find myself looking to the heavens and asking, ” Why, why wait?”
This evening it is quiet. The nurse has gone home. The caregiver has left. Her two bosses were here today and they are gone, and now Al is sleeping. For how long I do not know, but I am grateful. Asleep means feeling no pain.
He cries to me, ” How do I get to heaven? I can’t get there. I feel like I am in jail. Why is God not answering me?” He states many times he wants to die. I can’t say that I blame him. If I felt like he did and was in a bed 24/7 I may want to die also. We fight sores on his body from him laying there so much.
He eats a few bites at meals. He takes very little water, and yet he remains to suffer. Hospice mentioned that maybe one reason Al didn’t sleep today is because there were too many people here.
Maybe she has a point, I am not sure. I will change things around the next time there are more than one person here. One visitor at a time. If the Hospice nurse is here, then there will be her and me or the caregiver and no one else.
Bathing will have to go back to two bathing. If there is something to this; I will do what I can to help make things calmer for him. I am sure visitors will understand. Al tries to talk but gets frustrated. This causes tremors to speed-up and then leads to tears and anger.
Maybe what Al needs now is peace. He hates any light. He says he can’t see very well anymore. Maybe his peace will be more darkness with the light of the TV on and one visitor per room for a few minutes.
I have decided to test this starting tonight. I will take good care of him and then tell him I love him. I will wait to see if he ask for anything and then I will leave the room. I never wanted Al to feel like I didn’t care. I am sure that is the way others feel also.
Guilt for myself can be a heavy load. Satisfying my own needs of making Al feel this way or that may actually be doing more harm than good. So I will try to limit the amount of time. I know that I fed him some yogurt for supper. I gave him his medications and a syringe full of water. I told him I loved him. I waited for him to say anything, then I left the room. I just got up and checked on him and he is sleeping.
Heaven from what I have heard is a peaceful setting and maybe I and anyone who visits can help him to get this wonderful feeling right here in his own room. The Pastor dropped by earlier and made a comment to Al that brought that one smile to Al’s face. He said, ” Al, one of these days you won’t be looking at all your cars in their boxes. You will be driving them.” Al brought a tear to his eye but there was that one smile.
For years I have been
Building memories
Of your face as you
Walk through bumpy paths
Of pain, sorrow, and laughter
For years I have stood by your side
Wiped a tear, brushed your hair
Our hearts shared the pain
Of what this terrible disease has done
We watched it take a way your step
Stripped you of your pride
Made you beg for more pain medicine
I have heard you cry at nights
Begging God to take you home
I have wept in my own pool
Al, I will always remember
The man you were
The man you are today
And when these chapters are closed
Know that you are alive in my memories
And that my heart will always go on
Helping to fight until the battle is o’er
And M.S.A. fades
Quietly into memories.
Written by,
Terry Shepherd
10/29/2013
I wanted to go to bed. I am tired and worn from today. Being out in the sun and pushing Al in his wheelchair, lifting it in and out of the car drains me. I was going to go to bed but I had to change Al once more for the evening.
That was it, it was over. No more happy minutes for this day. Ending in sadness, and too many tears.
My brother is so scared
And yet wants the pain to leave
He and I notice too many changes
His body is wearing down
Tears and tears streaming
Questions about mainly why
He wants to go to heaven
But he is too scared
He wants to get better
But he knows it isn’t going to happen
Sitting on his bed
Holding his hands
Tremors from him
Shaking my body
Gives me some sense
Of what he is going through
Each minute of the day
I used every word I could
I tried to bring him comfort
But it is impossible to do
When he knows he is
Slipping a way
Hearing his words
Breaks my heart
As he tells me he
Feels like he won’t
Be here next week
How can I go
To my own bed
And rest knowing
He is still crying
I could not stop the tears.
Written by,
Terry Shepherd
08/25/2013
Whispers in the morning
Dew upon the ground
Leaves standing still
No one around
Hush little baby
Don’t say a word
Sister’s walking softly
Not even a tweet from a bird
As long as you are sleeping
Your pain is resting too
These are the moments I treasure
When you are back to you
And when you wake up brother
I’ll try to do my best
To make your day go quickly
Then you can lay and rest 
Hush little baby
Don’t say a word
Sister’s got it covered
Only silence will be heard.
Written by,
Terry Shepherd
08/17/2013
After I Said Good Night
My brother is crying
I can see his fear
I just left his bed
And closed his door with my tearsHe was…
We talked about him running
And walking and no pain
He asked if he could drive again
And I told him to just say when
The questions went on
And his tears fell deep
I fell to my knees and I began to weep
I prayed for my brother
To be released from all pain
I told God he could have him
That Al would surely gain
Yet I prayed for a moment
A selfish prayer I did
Because I love my brother
And there will never be another
Like him.
Written by Terry Shepherd
Who I am 