Thoughts And Prayers
This is starting the second day now with a new change, that isn’t good in our home. Al has declined
This is starting the second day now with a new change, that isn’t good in our home. Al has declined eating. Not entirely, but quite a bit. Yesterday he had one item for breakfast, an Ensure for lunch, and he did eat a pretty good supper.
This morning I was happy. He asked for pancakes. He also wanted his usual craving for sugar. He never used to eat sweets but he does now. He wanted a cherry turnover. I happily fixed him the pancakes.
He ate the cherry turnover and one bite of pancakes. Well, I tried. I tried a bite to see if they were edible. Yes, they were it was just Al.
He woke up with telling me of bad dreams he has had the past few days. This morning his bad dream was that he found out he had cancer. I laughed it off telling him that this wasn’t a bad dream, it was a silly dream as we both knew he didn’t have any cancers.
Sometimes I wonder in the back of my mind if he could have prostate cancer with all the dark on his bed pads. He also told me that the other dream he had was that I got sick and I was in a wheelchair just like him.
Now he had hit a tender spot with me. Although I told him he could see with his own eyes that I was walking; it reminds me of my constant bartering with God. I always pray, Lord, you can take me home when ever you wish. You can give me any illness you want; but wait until Al takes his last breath.
I took a deep breath and changed his brief and changed the subject. His tremors were a mess this morning. I didn’t know it for a while but Al has M.S.A.-P. This means that Al has Multiple System Atrophy with Parkinson’s Disease being prominent. So this is why we see so many tremors with him.
Al told me through tears this morning after breakfast, ” I’m sorry Terry. I am sorry I can’t eat. I feel funny.”
” How do you feel funny bud?”
” I can’t describe it Terry. I just feel funny.”
He wanted to go back to bed. He had his shower and a clean brief and was put back in bed. At least he is not thinking when he is asleep. His body gets a break from the terrible tremors when he is sleeping.
My chin is up, my prayers are strong, but my hope is diminishing and my heart is breaking as I have to walk this journey with Al, seeing him fade a way from me and this world. I think Al knows it too. I think this is what he is talking about when he refers to he can’t explain it.
I remember him lining up cars
On the carpet, being very quiet
Living in a world all his own.
I remember his first scooter
And how proud he was
He smiled as he rode by me.
I remember his first car
And the excitement in his eyes
Independence he had never experienced
Was now his forever more.
I remember his baring his soul
When he could no longer walk
The tears in his eyes
Questions with no answers.
As God prepares to take him home
His memories I will hold dear in my heart
Nothing on the inside will ever change
He will always be my brother.
Although Al is 58 years old he has the mind of an older child. I am constantly looking at ways to make his food more interesting.
The best way I get him to eat is make it appealing as if I am making if for a nine or ten-year old.
Today, I spent some time in the kitchen creating. I use my imagination, add here, change this or that, and hopefully I create some fun tasting foods that he will eat.
He has always been a big, big eater but with his illness there are plenty of days that he doesn’t want to eat and I force him by my creations or he will only eat part of what I fix.
Here is what I did today.
I took some graham cracker crumbs that I had in my cupboard. I tossed some butter in the microwave. Threw both of these into a 9×13 pan and stirred and patted. Next, I had the cheapest, generic brownie mix the store offers. I added the one egg, and the one-third cup of oil. Then I was to add two teaspoons of water but I held off on that for a moment.
I mixed to the egg and oil mixture, or should I say tossed, I don’t measure out the added items, chocolate chips, coconut, stirred and then added enough water to make it moist like cake mix. I poured this over the graham cracker mixture and baked at 350 degrees until it was done. Here is how it looks.
The next thing I did was make a batch of pancakes a head of time. Al is a pancake lover. I buy frozen ones, blueberry for him but I like the added touch that shows him I think he is special.
This is what I did.
I took Hungry Jack pancake mix. The kind you only add water. I poured out half of a new box into a bowl. I sliced up two bananas, added chocolate chips and some coconut. Then I added enough water to my eye’s liking.
Here is how these turned out, and by the way, I had to sample one of these. They do not even require syrup they are so yummy.
Lastly, I wanted to thank Lezlie and Angel for the cards they sent Al yesterday. They were very nice. I took a photo of the cards he has received so far. Just a quick F.Y. I. if anyone wants to still send Al a card of get well or something cute, please email me at
I will be glad to send you his address.