The Gift and The Miracle

I know that it is very important to find the little things in life that are good. I also realize that there are days that I find this difficult to do. I would almost say out loud that I have a mild case of depression.

I hate the taste of those words  on my tongue when I say that but I miss my brother and I think I miss the life I once had. Although looking back the things that made me so happy are no longer here. My Dad and Mom and my family.

Sometimes I wonder why I am so different from others. While others are out drinking on Friday and Saturday nights, I am home. While others have so many dates I have none. So I look very hard for those small miracles and gifts from God. When I find them it can actually make an entire difference in my day.

I had one particular gift last week. As you all know my children’s Grandma passed a way. I was very saddened by her loss and so was surprised when I opened the door to let my family in, there was a bouquet of flowers from the funeral for me.grandma's flowers












It is so nice to have a piece of the funeral here with me to watch over and water each day. I love them.

Then on last Wednesday I had to have my three-month A-1-C test done for my Diabetes. I will go back this Wednesday for the results. They have never called me in between these two visits, but this time they called Thursday morning.

I was told that I needed to come back in on Friday and have one of the test redone. The doctor was concerned about my Potassium levels. They explained how normal levels were between 3.4 and 4.3. My level was 5.7.

I was instantly scared. I didn’t know much about Potassium except that bananas were full of them. To eat more than one banana a day is not a good thing. I began an internet search trying to discover what I had done to my eating habits that had made this raise so high.

What I learned was little. The search didn’t really say too much on foods. The ones that it did mention the P word I didn’t eat. I was I would say doing what I usually do. Leaning on me for answers instead of God.

Years ago I used to suffer bad Panic Attacks. It was so awful. I think people thought I was a nut case. I think I even believed them too. With the help of a Christian counselor I was able to overcome the worst of it. Now when I am afraid or very tired a Panic Attack can show its ugly teeth.

The nurse who drew my blood on Friday morning sort of laughed at me because when I went in to have the second draw the first words out of my mouth were,” Am I going to die?” She laughed and said no. She told me,” Ever since you have started coming here your P levels have always been on the high side. The doctor believes this may just be a part of your genes. Your levels are always at number 5.”

I got the blood draw but sweated it out all weekend long. You have to understand that the one sentence that stuck in my head during my research was death. The articles I read said that if your P levels go above 6 it can cause your heart to go nuts and cause a heart attack. Understand here that my worst fear is dying before my brother. I don’t know how I could rest peacefully knowing that he needs me and I am not here for him. So all weekend I smiled when I was around others but inside I was a wreck.

Finally last night I turned to God. I was sitting on my bed. It was around midnight. I was going through my Bible and the thought hit me out of nowhere. Pray to me for what you need.

I very seldom pray for myself. I will pray for my blogger friends who are in need. I pray for my brother constantly. I pray for my children and anyone but myself. I turned my TV off and sat in bed silent for a few minutes thinking, should I really pray for me? Isn’t that selfish?

I decided to go forward with it and so in darkness and silence I prayed for God to heal me of this P level. This morning about 9am the phone rang. I saw on the caller ID that it was the doctor’s office. I picked it up and this was the conversation.


Nurse, ” Good morning. Is this Terry?”

Me, “Yes

Nurse,” I have your lab results. You are fine. I don’t know what happened last week with your test results but this test showed normal levels. They were 4.3. You are going to be fine.”

Me, ” Oh thank-you Jesus. You don’t know how I have worried about this all weekend. I am so relieved. Thank-you so much for calling. Thank-you for the good news.”

Nurse,” You are welcome. See you on Wednesday. Bye.”

I hung up the phone and looked at the skies and said to myself, Thank-you Jesus. You are the one who told me to pray to you. I did as you asked and you answered.

Fight or Flight

Panic attack

Panic attack (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

She sat hidden in her home, afraid to even peek out the window. Her palms were sweaty, and her breathing was rapid. Her life consisted of being part owner of an antique store and  caring for her dog and two cats. Inside, her four walls, life seemed pretty normal, but if someone came to the door,or she was in the public eye, you could observe her body gently quivering, a paleness white washing through out  her face. Her eyes would become large with fear. Once she was at work, and her partner she worked with had an appointment that  morning, and wouldn’t be in for about two hours. The building they rented became silent. She could hear the creaks coming through the walls. The floors crackled as she walked from room to room, straightening items on tables and shelves. A customer came in. She glued on her nicest smile, and welcomed them to their antique store. After a nice sale, she could feel her heart starting to race a little bit. She immediately told herself to stop it. This is ridiculous. She was at work and she wasn’t going to deal with this. Go away! As she went about her morning  checking on her inventory, she could feel her fingers start to shake and the back of her hair was beginning to cling to her neck. She walked into the bathroom, and took a couple of paper towels and wet them in cold water. She wiped her forehead off, and the back of her neck. She sat on the stool, with her head bent between her legs, trying to get the dizziness to stop. The doctors had told her before that the only thing that was going on with her was inside her head. She was becoming an emotional mess.That if she didn’t get control of this she would end up in some loony farm. The doctors had offered her  nerve medicine, but she refused to fill the scripts, knowing that wasn’t her problem. Another doctor had told her she was having panic attacks, and that she would feel this way, but to just let herself feel each thing that was happening, and she would realize after wards she wasn’t going to die. After feeling like she was going to pass out, and feeling the trembling going on all over her body, it did stop. Her heart started to slow down. She got up from the stool, and forced herself to open the back door and walk outside into the bright summer day. She inhaled the fresh air and forced a smile  back on her face. In about ten minutes, she was back to her normal self. It had worked! She had honed in on the reactions her body was going through, and realized she was not going to die. She fought it! She made it! She still had the panic attacks happen, but each time they did, she would practice repeatedly staying in touch with what has happening inside. Eventually, the panic attacks would only visit if she was extremely tired. She would take control, and often times take a nap, waking, feeling refreshed and able to go on with her day.