I went to watch a band sing tonight with some friends. I was trying real hard to have fun and at times I was. I had been struggling a little today. My best friend’s dog was laid to rest and I was able to talk to her a few minutes.
Hearing her cry and recognizing my own emotions from Al started a little bit of that emotional roller coaster ride which always goes down and never back up until it…
I went to watch a band sing tonight with some friends. I was trying real hard to have fun and at times I was. I had been struggling a little today. My best friend’s dog was laid to rest and I was able to talk to her a few minutes.
Hearing her cry and recognizing my own emotions from Al started a little bit of that emotional roller coaster ride which always goes down and never back up until it passes.
I had a friend take this photo of me tonight so you could see a better me. I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette and a few ladies were out there too. They were talking about car shows and I instantly started to feel my heart bump up the beat.
My hands got cold and my legs felt numb or tingly. I thought surely this is my sugar dropping, so I excused myself and came home. For my supper tonight I had a big salad so it wouldn’t have surprised me to see my sugars on the low side.
Once home AJ was so excited to see me. What a loving companion I have. He is always full of joy and love. He never puts me down, usually he lifts me up. After taking him out to do his business I checked my blood pressure first. It was within normal range. I checked my sugar level and it was fine.
I was in the middle of having a mild panic attack. How could I have slipped into this so easy? I hadn’t had one for a couple of weeks. I knew that was what it was when the other checks came out fine.
I did some deep breathing and it helped some. My shoulders are tense and my fingers are still cold, but I am safe at home behind closed doors. How could learning of a dog’s death and hearing about car shows set me off so smoothly. I was a little embarrassed by having to leave the dance early but I knew if I stayed and tried to pretend I was alright I would actually get worse.
I looked at the photo I had taken of me at the dance and I just sat and stared at it. Who is that? Is that me? I don’t recognize that face. How could I be having a panic attack and yet smile for the camera.
I miss Al so bad, in fact I miss my entire family; but I am no different from anyone else who has lost a loved one. I think I am doing better but I still have my rough days and I now assume that certain words can set me off.
I still can’t watch Pawn Stars or Bonanza. In fact I can’t even put the TV on the station Al always requested. Silly little things that mean nothing to anyone but can cause the tears to drip for me.
I had the oddest thing happen to me this afternoon. Me and AJ were laying on my bed. I was drifting off but not yet asleep as AJ couldn’t settle too quick. He had to sniff everything out.
I closed my eyes waiting for him to calm down and I saw a video going on in my head. Not a clear one, sort of foggy but yet I could make out certain things. I saw a table and there were many people sitting around it. Every once in a while I saw a familiar face. It was Al’s and he was smiling big and chattering away like he used to do here. They were passing food and getting ready to eat. AJ finally came to lay down and nap and so did I, but I kept thinking about the video as I drifted off.
I have had a lot of stuff happen in the past eight years. I look at myself in this photo and I can see some wear and tear lines around my eyes. Wrinkles from stress and drained eyes. Make-up does wonder I have to admit.
This moment and evening shall pass. A new day begins tomorrow when I rise up from my bed. The sun is to be out and the temps back in the sixties. It is a chance for me to start again one more time.
As each day goes by, I battle more and more to remain the person I know I am. It scares me, even if it is normal to be so stressed at this point in life. I am scared of being addicted to the little white pill. Scared of being weak. Scared of letting Al down.
Last night I was having a panic attack. I swear it came out of nowhere. I felt so dizzy and I felt like I was just going to pass out right…
As each day goes by, I battle more and more to remain the person I know I am. It scares me, even if it is normal to be so stressed at this point in life. I am scared of being addicted to the little white pill. Scared of being weak. Scared of letting Al down.
Last night I was having a panic attack. I swear it came out of nowhere. I felt so dizzy and I felt like I was just going to pass out right there on the floor. I was trying to give Al his sherbet for his bedtime snack but couldn’t pull it off.
I refuse to let Al see me ill or not feeling quite right. I don’t need him to start worrying about me on top of all he goes through. Al has had some changes. Sores have broken out on his ear. His head is locked in a position so that it touches he shoulder bone. Bone on bone and the ear problem are all on the same side. Medications to take care of this.
Constant turning him from side to side. The big, bad medications have been added back into his routine for comfort and relief from pain. He may not be able to get out of that bed, and yet he takes more care and looking after now than ever before.
So I was glad that my friend was here last night. I just looked at her and handed her the ice-cream bowl and ran for my bedroom. Laying down on my bed, flat on my stomach, I prayed to God to please help heal me from this terrible panic mode that has seemed to attach itself to me without invitation.
Slowly I worked myself out of it and came out of it in time to be able to return to Al to finish the nightly things that have to be done for him. I want it to stop. I want to return to the gal I used to be. I want to laugh again, shrug off the small stuff in life, but I can’t.
My shoulders are tight, my mind races constantly. I feel like I am spinning but with the medicine I am able to stay a way from falling off the tight rope.
Today my girlfriend took me out. I had to prepare myself ahead of time. Tell myself that I could be back in the crazy crowds of people. I took my medicine before I left. In the end I made it through it.
I bought me some good smelling perfume I had been wanting for over twenty years. Chanel. I bought me some new finger nail polish. I bought some new eye make-up brushes.
We went to an antique store and I bought a vintage pin. I felt guilt over buying stuff I did not need. She insisted that once in a while we just have to buy things we enjoy. Maybe I am just an old tight wad like my dad.
Either way, I made it, I fought through it. On our way home we stopped at Taco Bell and had a late lunch. Tomorrow we are going back out because Al is almost out of sherbet and baby food. Maybe we will stop at Shoe Carnival and TJ Maxx, who knows.
I make it through one day, hopefully I will make it through one more. I have to keep the faith in myself that this stress and panic crap too shall pass. When I got home I got on the computer and there was a big beautiful bouquet of roses from a dear friend, Connie. A nice way to end the day.
Who I am 