I Did A Bad Thing In Al’s Eyes

Last night things were going pretty smooth here at home with Al and his illness. It came time to get his bedtime snack and medications. I popped in to ask him what he wanted and he was asleep.

It took a few moments to get him to actually wake him up. He let me know what he was hungry for and I went and got everything ready. He ate and I played on the computer so I could hear if he needed me.

He had been watching Highway To Heaven, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highway_to_Heaven.

When he rang his bell to let me know he was finished I went in and decided to sit down and chat with him for a while before getting him ready for bed. It was then that everything changed.

I sat down in his wheel chair and he looked at me and his face instantly changed. He went from sober faced to crying big tears. It threw me off guard for sure. I immediately asked, ” What’s the matter bud? Why the tears?”

” You are sitting on God.”

” What, what did you say?

” You are sitting on God. He is sitting right there. He is telling me I am being stubborn.”

I immediately jumped up from the chair and took a seat on his bed. Now granted, I didn’t really think I was sitting on God’s lap, but instincts kicking in, I jumped right a way.  I asked,” What did God tell you again?”

” He just told me I am being stubborn. He said I won’t close my eyes and let him take me to heaven.”

Wow, I was speechless. First I was sitting on God and then I evidently interrupted a very important conversation. Al was calm, then crying, then hysterical. He was screaming loud enough that I had to close his bedroom window for fear of neighbors thinking I may be over here beating Al or some crazy thing.

I actually don’t know if I said it right, did it right, or what ever I was supposed to actually do but I remember using explanations of what could actually be happening.

” Bud, you were sleeping when I came in here. You were probably dreaming. Al it is the show. It is sad and it is about God, maybe we should change the channel and watch Pawn Stars. Bud, maybe it is Satan trying to fool your mind, getting you all upset.”

This is when he let loose on me. He looked at me with big eyes and with the strongest voice I have heard in some time he said, ” No, I am not confused. God was here. You sat on him and now he is gone. He told me I am being stubborn.”

Well, I wasn’t going to argue any points. He was adamant on what he saw and heard. How can I judge or argue anyways? He is the one closer to seeing God than I am, I think.

It took quite a while to get Al settled down enough for me to think I could safely put him to bed. He went through two hankies before I got him into bed.

Finally I got him to stand up and I changed him and placed him in bed. He was correctly positioned and I asked him if he needed anything else. He told me, ” No, I am fine but do me a favor. Don’t sit on God anymore.”

I turned the lights off and left the room. I felt a little spooked inside. I didn’t know what to think. I went straight to bed and lay there in the dark trying to digest what had just taken place.

I don’t know what happened, but I was happy this morning when Al rang his bell letting me know he was ready to get up.

purple candlesriver


I Took Your Advice

I have had a laid back day. I also have had a few comments about the scary truth that happened here last evening. A dear friend named Diane sent Al an anointed cloth a day ago.

I don’t know if this has anything to do with what happened. I have never studied anything about the ever after life. I just always knew and counted on going to heaven, so why question, but maybe I need more answers. This cloth has been prayed over by very strong Christians so it means the world to me. Al keeps it under his pillow.

The advice I took is I did nothing today. Yes, Al is here. He was only up this morning for breakfast and has preferred napping in his recliner or bed and dining in his room. Wow, it must be nice to order room service. LOL

I did sweep the kitchen this morning and clean the kitty box. I did one load of laundry because of Al’s bedding and made my own bed.

Right now he is eating supper and I am eating at my favorite spot, my writing chair. I am listening to some of my favorite music instead of having to hear Pawn Stars in the background. Maybe you would also enjoy this music. Here is a link in case you would. It is Gheorghe Zamfir, full album.

I even took a nap. I feel lazy because I didn’t clean more, but I feel more relaxed, and to dine to my music is divine.


My heart is big enough for two

A little for others  a little for you

Although we are sister and brother

As a sibling there is no other

But we each need our space you know

It makes life such an easier flow

So you listen and watch Pawn Stars

And I will listen to my music and ponder on the stars…………

Written by,

Terry Shepherd


Just Thinking and Thanking

It’s been a while since I just got on here and jabbered on about nothing. I need to get my mind cleared. It has been a hectic week. With Al’s bleeding problem and many nights this week of late-night bedtimes I have been tired.

I don’t look forward to the weekends like most people to get a way from work and frolic. I look forward to sleeping in hopefully for one more hour. I look forward to no appointments with Hospice.

No doctor appointments, although this weekend is rare. Al does have an eye appointment on the weekend. I didn’t want to interrupt his Day Program so I chose a Saturday for him. I look forward to more choices.

Choices of choosing whether I really want to venture out and where I want to go. Asking Al if he feels well enough to do anything, or maybe just staying in my house coat a little longer. I always did hate getting dressed as soon as my feet hit the floor. But what would the bus driver say when he saw me outside waiting with Al in my comfy clothes. I would be the talk of the neighborhood, but then again, that isn’t so bad is it?

If any of you have Dish Satellite you probably realize there are Sirius Music Stations on it. When Al comes inside in the afternoons I have the news on so he can bitch about the government. I keep telling him we don’t need to watch it but I think he gets a kick out of the crazy people who run our country.

You know if things were different for Al he may have run for office. He is opinionated about our country and sees and smells a liar a mile a way.  He would have stuck to the rules and not let himself be swayed for a vote. As soon as supper is over he is exhausted and wants to nap, then I change the TV to the Escape station on Sirius. I think I am becoming addicted to it.

I don’t watch any TV in the evenings anymore. Things will change when American Idol Winning contestant Candice Glover performs at the Season 12 finale of "American Idol" in Los Angelescomes back on unless the repeated changes of the judges has ruined the show. I have always been a watcher of this program.

When I watch TV with Al we must watch Antiques Roadshow, Swamp People, Counting Cars and American Pickers. I must say I enjoy these shows also but not night after night american_3and the repeats, oh I don’t like repeats unless I am in love with them. When Titanic came out at the movie Theaters I went and saw that 13 times. Now that was one sick lady I think. Oh wait that lady was me. I better back track that remark.OSCARS-BEST PICTURE

I had a visit with the Hospice nurse today and Al. Al had his extra strong pain medication this morning. When I went in mid morning his teacher had given him another dose from his complaining of pain.

When I looked at Al his one leg was hanging in mid-air. That is the way those muscles are working. They just shrink up and squeeze him like squeezing out a mop. He didn’t even realize his leg was hanging. He does this with his head also. It will just hang in mid-air.

I am to document from today until Monday when I see the nurse again on which pain medications he has been taking apart from the regular ones and how often. I over heard the nurse telling him that his body was becoming immune to the dosages and will most likely be increased next week. She explained to him that not too very far off he may feel like he can no longer get out of bed and he may not want to go to Day Program. Al said, ” I know.”

Those two little words stabbed at my heart as I can easily see the path we are taking is going to come to a T sooner than later. Al deserves rest though, I am not going to argue. He has fought this battle hard but he is tired, and I understand.

I look out my window

And see leaves not stirring

Quietly sleeping as Al rests

Birds hushed gently flyingfairies.jpeg

Around our home

Protecting his need

As he builds up  his

Strength for another

Night of television

Beautiful flowers

Now petals softly

Falling letting us

Know another

Season will soon

Be upon us

And yet the lives

Within this home

Continue on

Fighting for life

And freedom

To laugh once again

God is writing our chapters                                              book-of-life

And he knows the ending

He has been gently blowing

Words of faith, hope and love

Leading us into undefined

Territory, holding our hands

Preparing us for

What is to come

I will be the child

Holding my hand in Gods

With Al holding mine

We will lean on our Lord

For a better understanding

Of what will follow

Oh Lord I love you

And I know Al does too

Al is tired and he

Needs his rest

I am ready to let go

And let you take both

His hands in yours

And guide him home.

I love you dear brother

Enough to let you go

When you are ready.

Written by

Terry Shepherd



Well tomorrow is Friday. I will get myself in gear and get a nice grocery list in order and head to the store to stock up on essentials for the weekend. Maybe I will get something fun to eat for Al. Why do I say maybe, I always end up doing that once a week for him.

Another weekend coming upon us. Another new day. A day of hope and wonder. A day to give thanks to God for what he has let Al and me experience together. Isn’t life awesome. We can be in the middle of chaos, pain, tears and hurt and yet scream in joy at the knowledge that God is right here by our side, ready to help, if only we let him know.

Well my friends, it is time to get Al up from his nap so he can watch his TV programs. Probably going to be Pawn Stars since it is Wednesday night. So signing off with a smile on my face, a peace in my heart, as I have written my feelings and can now continue out and finish this day we were given. My only prayer for tonight is that Al has a nice weekend, less pain and just a little more in life.


Don’t Ever Do This to Me Again!

Scrambled Eggs Super!

Don’t you ever do this to me again, do you hear me? Today was something else. A day out of my routine. I had to get up at the crack of dawn and drive in the 16 degree temps and light snow flurries. I had to have my three-month blood draw.

I stopped at Al‘s  and my favorite restaurant and sat quietly and had breakfast. I was having  an impromptu conversation with God while I was eating my two scrambled eggs, bacon and two slices of whole-wheat toast.

I was telling him I should not have come here. It is just a reminder of what a loner I am. I want friends around when I am out, but I like solitude when I am home. Does this make any sense? I was telling God, this is ridiculous, I need to get up and go home.

Then suddenly someone said my name. I turned around and I was greeted with a big hug by a dear friend. She worked for years at my bank, but I don’t see her much anymore since she retired. We sat and talked for about an hour while she ordered and ate. I sipped my coffee and found myself just smiling and yakking a way. God is good. Once again he listened and answered my prayer.

I came home to my warm house and went to get on the internet and nothing. I ran my virus cleaners twice. I unplugged the wireless router three times. I turned off my PC twice and restarted it twice also. Finally I got a light bulb idea. Call the internet company.

You know the routine, automated answer people, never anyone real. The robot named off my phone number and I pushed the correct buttons in responses. It then said to me in monotone, We are having a  problem with the internet connections in your area. The technicians are aware of it and are working on as we speak. It will be on sometime before 8am on Friday.

Oh brother, what in the world am I going to do without my internet? What about my WP friends? My games on Facebook, my yahoo mail? I thought I was going to have a major meltdown.

I looked at the clock and it was almost time for the mid-day news and my only soap opera I watch. I have watched it since the day it started. The Young and the Restless. Guess what? It wasn’t on either. Some dumb basketball game was on and will continue for several hours. I know there are sports fans out there, and that is fine, but I am not one of them. No soap opera either? No internet? Oh my gosh!

I knew I had to do something. It was too cold to go anywhere, and I had no money to waste. For six months I have gazed at the shelves above my kitchen cupboards. This is where a lot of my antiques sit. I have colored indoor outdoor lights that light the entire shelves. I also knew that dust and grease from the stove were piling up. I figured any day the grease bunnies would pop their heads out and start laughing at me.

I tried one more time to get the internet and it was a no go. Darn, darn. I got up and got the vinegar water with a touch of dish soap and took each piece down and wiped them shiny again and cleaned the wrap-a-round shelves. I cleaned off the top of the refrigerator and cleaned my antique bowls and miniature antique animal collections.

I couldn’t stop there. I was on a roll by now. I did sit to rest a minute and checked the internet again, nope nothing. Darn I have to keep on trucking. I stripped my bed and washed the sheets and re-made the bed. I took my bedroom curtains down along with all the living room curtains and washed them. I washed my bedroom window and when the laundry was done I rehung them. I totally changed the curtains in my bedroom.

Since it used to be my brother’s bedroom there were blue checked curtains hanging. Now they are clean, folded and placed in a closet. I now have white blinds with white shears and a pretty pink print valance. Looks much more feminem now.

I steam-mopped the tiles in my kitchen and hallway and bathrooms. I ended up sweeping the entire house. Darn, I was pooped. My feet were burning. I had no feelings left in my toes. It was time to sit and rub my feet trying to gain some feeling and burn relief.

I sat down at the computer naturally. Ya I know, no internet, but I had to try. It has now been eight hours and I feel like I am having with draws. I take my shoes and socks off and rub my feet back to some feeling. I put my shoes and socks back on and try one more time.

Yippee, I have internet. You would have thought I won the lottery.  I yelled in joy. I started to play one game and I received a text from my son. They were inviting me, their mom to supper. Oh yeah, I sure will go. To be with people and better yet family, hot dog!!!

We ate at Golden Coral. I had a super sized salad and a small dish of ice-cream for dessert. Then we went to Wal-Mart. I bought a new shower curtain for my now new bathroom. It is very colorful. I am not quite sure what colors they are as I am color-blind, but my daughter-in-law said it was a thumbs up color.

The best came at the end as it usually does. Since the grandkids went to the toy section I thought I would check out the cars Al loves. He had been telling me about this one car he saw on an outing. It was like the owner of Pawn Stars  had. It was green. My son said, No Mom, it isn’t green. It is aqua blue. Whatever, it was green to me. LOL. I bought it for him and got two more cars that are the coolest unique antique police cars. I am saving those for his birthday in May. The aqua blue one? I am definitely taking it to him tomorrow. Oh wow, I can’t wait. He is going to smile so big, I hope.

So a big day of work work work. Internet don’t ever do that to me again. Cleaning upper shelves and antiques should be saved for some other type of day!

I Am Sorry

Pawn Stars

For almost two days I have been a ghost, and no one has seen me, but I am alright. I have been answering the phone, that has been ringing off the hook, from the ad I placed. I received calls from very young girls to elderly ladies of 76 years old. Not that 76 is so old, but I think too old to pick Al up from the floor when he falls.

Last night I did end up giving Al a few moments of sunshine after talking to many strangers. I took him out to eat and then went to Wal-Mart to window shop. This morning he got up at nine thirty and I stood at the corner of the desk, and watched his legs freeze while coming down the hall. He gets about five feet from me and starts to walk towards me and before I could blink one eye, forward he fell. He missed the desk and went straight to the floor. It was almost a graceful fall, no hard thump, just going down.

I tried to pick him up, but I couldn’t do it. When you have an ill person and they can not help themselves much, and then fall, it is like dead weight, times two. I managed to get a table chair over to  him, and with much coaxing and patience, the chair, he and I made it to the sitting position and in the chair. He was alright, but he doesn’t understand why he falls.

I am the first to question, are we going into a different stage or advancing in the stage we are in of Parkinson’s? This is the third fall in less than two weeks. I fixed his complete breakfast today, as I didn’t want him to try to get up and do anything. He ate, but with not much gusto. He seemed tired.

After breakfast, he did clean up his mess and went to his bathroom and brushed his teeth, then instead of coming out here in the living room he went to his bedroom to his recliner. He had a clean brief ready to put on, but never did, until I prompted him. He said that he had forgotten.

I am finding this more and more. Part of it could be explained by the many pain pills he is on, and some of it can be blamed on the true culprit, the Parkinson’s. He thinks of what he needs to do, but I find he doesn’t carry the thought out.

We had two interviews today. The first one was a nice lady who has a special needs child of her own. Her husband works second shift, while she stays home and cares for her child. She has seven years as a CNA and has much experience. She quit her job when the doctors told her that her child was special needs. Now the parents care for their own child by rearranging their own work schedules. I think this is nice, that they think of him first over the money.

The second person was a male and he had many credentials. He seemed very nice also, but we talked more of the religion than anything else. Religion, as you all know, does not bother me, but at this interview it was Al that I wanted the topic to be based upon.

Each interview, Al came out at my prompting, to see and hear the people, but he dozed off for most of the time. His ears were open, but his eyes were closed. He smiled at both of them and answered when questioned.

His interests were perked up when he discovered that the lady loved Storage Wars, and Pawn Stars. He talked the most to her. After both interviews left, Al took his nap and when he got up we discussed what he liked about each interviewer and who he liked best. He chose the lady. His biggest reason was that she was a lady.

Ladies have always cared for him, and I think that was a pull for his side, but I am sure that he liked it because of the Pawn Stars and different shows they both loved.

She will be here six days a week for four hours each day. She will start on Monday. She, Al, and I are very excited. I promised myself that this time, I will not get my hopes up of the forever fairy tales, but I can hope.