perfectionist | Who I am

I don’t know why I have to be a perfectionist. There is no such thing as one, but I have always tried ever since I can think back to around eleven years of age. I think it stemmed in the beginning from always trying to please my parents.

If I cleaned house good enough they would acknowledge me. If I got good grades they would say something. If and if and if. It doesn’t work. It didn’t work in my younger ages, it didn’t work in my marriage and it doesn’t work with Al.

But yet I keep trying. I still have my house as clean as possible. Don’t get me wrong. I still don’t do outside windows. I only clean walls and closets in the Spring and Fall, so I am not terribly bad, just bad enough.

It took me all morning to get over the incident with Al and the shower. I even had to lay down and take a nap because the whole incident wiped me out of energy. Finally I got it together as good as I do, and I read all the comments and sucked in my sponge brain what they said.

I guess with Al the real issue is losing him. Not losing him to death, but losing him to the system. Those words from the hospital saying they were going to have to report his falls, even though they knew why he was falling still haunt me.

What if I make a mistake.What if I speak too loudly. What if I accidentally hurt him or let him fall or anything? Abuse is a big deal into day’s world. Everyone has to prove they are innocent. I don’t want to ever have to go through that because deep down inside I know I am the best sister ever to Al. I love him with all my heart.

I need to learn that I am alright. I am doing a good job with him. I need to realize I can never make him truly happy and I can’t do everything he wishes. He is a sick man living or trying to live as if he is not ill.

I worried about what the bath aide thought as she observed the scene, but then I thought to myself, nothing happened. She just made me feel as if I didn’t do things right. Her telling me I should have sat him back down and explained was her thoughts. I didn’t do anything wrong, I just didn’t think of her idea.

After I woke up I went to the store and bought one more safety guard for the bathroom and a bath mat. There is nothing else I can do as far as the bathroom goes. I have done all that I can think of. There are now three bars in that little room, a bath mat, new lighting so we can all see better, a good bath aide and a loving sister. Anything else that is needed is up to God and Al.