What We Think
I was so busy today. Two doctor’s appointments, one for Aland one for me. Running errands for Al…
I was so busy today. Two doctor’s appointments, one for Al and one for me. Running errands for Al here and there. I am beat. Another reason I am beat is for the last two nights Al has slept for about five hours each night.
I want to apologize for not doing what I enjoy and commenting and liking your posts today. I just can’t do it. I am too exhausted and am praying for an early sleep.
Last night Al was having a rough night. Not with the illness itself, but with the mental part of understanding of his illness.
He evidently had been pondering on his funeral. He was asking me questions and I was answering the best I could. Then he started crying and was actually getting upset. He started getting mad at our Aunt in Florida and our half-sister.
The conversation went pretty much like this.
” This illness is going to take my life and no one cares. I fight and fight and I can’t get it to go a way. One of these days I am going to lay in a casket. Who is going to be at my funeral? I bet Aunt Mary won’t be there. She don’t like me. She wouldn’t come see me when we were in Florida. She never sends you letters through your computer. She never calls me. She don’t like me. I bet she don’t even remember who I am. Do you think Julie will come? Julie doesn’t care about me either. You told her I was sick and she doesn’t come see me. Do you think she will be at my funeral?”
This is a good part of the conversation I heard last night. He was really crying and I think he really wishes his aunt and sister would come to his funeral. He told me no one would be there but me.
I told him all of us would be there. I told him everyone from his old work place would be there and his church. I told him that it would be one of the biggest funerals I have ever been too.
I don’t know what or will be there, but I do know when I told him it would be a big funeral and so many there would be just for him, he seemed to settle a little. The tears went from gushing to a slow stream.
Al must be doing a lot of thinking. It feels strange because he is having good days again but yet his mind is on his death.
What are you more comfortable with — routine and planning, or laissez-faire spontaneity?
I am weird. I am the one who looks through the new calendars in January. I look to see who’s birthdays fall on what days. When are the holidays?
If I could book my life year to year, I would be quite content. There is a large part of me that finds great comfort in the word routine. Surprises I enjoy if it is my Birthday.
I really believe this is something that God has been trying to teach me for years. I call it getting set in my own ways. He describes it as be ready at all times.
For me not making too much effort in being flexible I am thrown a lot of curve balls. Even a habit has formed from this. I look in the mirror at the reflections I see. Watching my own picture show. Next I pray, then I come to you, my friends for support.
Does this make me stronger or more wimpy? In my opinion it doesn’t make me wimpy. It allows me to grow stronger. I still go to God and you for help and support. But I am always shocked at the new challenges thrown at me more often than not, and I remain standing.
Al has Congested Heart Failure, Parkinson’s Disease and is mentally challenged. If I wasn’t strong I don’t think I would ever consider letting him move back home. With God’s help I can do it along with help of caregivers.
We are much stronger than we give ourselves credit. Look at the man who is crushed under a car. No one around is there to help him. You take quick action and race to save his life. Without thinking you lift the car up and a way from him.
Yes, strength is within us just waiting to come out. But until it is needed we continue to live in our daily comfort zones, well at least I do. Routine is comfortable to me indeed, but I can still stand strong when I need to.